If you don't know now, you never will

Swiss is shocked.

All lessons have been done. All ticked off the giant calendar in the hall, smiley faces on the chart on the fridge, and there is no more to learn in either Criminal stuff, or civil stuff, or any other type of stuff stuff.

Can that be right? Does Swiss possess the entire field of knowledge required to be a Barrister?

Looking back over the last two years of turning up at CofL, playing in the sand pit, doing potato paintings, basket weaving, raffia work, dot the dot and colouring in, all to the required standard set by those chaps at the Bar Council, is this really it?

Is Swiss now able to stand up and defend a guilty scumbag and mitigate his sentence? Slim chance if the teachers comments are anything to go by. 'Yeah, that was all OK Swiss, but you forgot to mention the sentence.'

Your default injunction was good, but you got the claimant and defendant mixed up.

Your cross examination was good until you burst into tears.

Your opinion was good, but completely wrong.

Your non leading questions were good, but were leading.

Your particulars of claim were good but you forgot to mention the case once.

Is Swiss really able to do anything in real life?

Buggered if Swiss would ever instruct a Barrister if this is what they get taught.

Shocking, thats what it is.

Prisoner on the loose

Swizz is shocked. (Seems like a good opening phrase, and it tends to be used quite a lot lately)

Monday, Swizz was in his local County Court, waiting to lodge some papers to get an emergency hearing. The counter opened at 10.00 and Swizz was there bright and early at 09.58, to join the queue of miserable looking people.

The doors opened, Swizz was closest, so he stepped through and held the door open for the attractive young thing that was first in the queue.

Big fat man behind her said in a very gruff and sinister voice 'Oi you *******, theres a *****ing queue, and *****'s like you don't ******ing help jumping it, you ******.'

Rather taken aback at the courseness of said fat gits language, Swizz squared up and offered him outside.

Oh no, sorry, that was the story in the pub later, Swizz apologised and smiled as he held the door open (a bit wider than necessary) for the fat git to squeeze through.

Fat git stepped up tp the counter, and, shocked Swizz to the core.

'I am on day release from prison and have to present myself 'ere tomorrow for something or other, but I am 'ere today and it seems like a waste of f***ing time to come back tomorrow'

At that point his mobile rang, he said 'Nah, see ya down the pub in five' and hung up.

Is this really the state of the prison system nowadays, to let crims out for the day, with mobiles, and money to spend down the pub?

Bloody crims don't even need to escape anymore. They just get allowed out for the day to get some Xmas shopping and meet their mates down the pub. And be rude to Swizz. That fat git needed stringing up for that.

Shocking

Skool is grate

Swiss is alarmed to find that having just spent a weekend (thoroughly enjoyable and the best of fun) studying 'Dot to Dot' and plasticine, there is but one more weekend of frivolity ahead, and then the course all seems to go a bit haywire.

Next weekends studying is the weekend before Xmas, so its sure to have mince pies laid on in class, and the finest fizzy drinks, and if we are lucky, chocolate fingers too. Isn't CofL just the best place to spend a weekend. Its brill.

After that, its a mystery. Apparently, there are options and assessments. No idea what that entails, so Swiss is going to try and ignore it until it can be ignored no longer.

Swiss did pick two subjects to study for his options, advanced basket weaving and international finger painting, but CofL has yet to confirm that he can do those.

But the assessment things seems to have a greater meaning that Swiss can acknowledge at the moment.

There are 8 weekends of attendance required, and it looks like 72 assessments and a mock trial. OK, maybe not 72, but at least 10. Some weekends have multiple assessments. Sod that for a game of soldiers. As good as Swiss is at colouring in, it isn't easy to do it under pressure. Every study weekend has an assessment. Struth.

Nevertheless, there is a Mock Trial at a real Court, with real Judges, and real Policeman as witnesses. Excellent opportunity to knock a Policemans hat off. Swiss has always wanted to do that.

We shall see how it goes, but seeing as Swiss has asked for the Latest High School Musical video for Xmas, and a pair of roller skates, its hard to think about what follows.

Incidentally, Swiss can report that despite his best endevours to study Dot in a very advanced way, she has made a complaint about him to teacher.

Swiss don't wanna play no more!

It has been a strange day for Swiss. He has been in London and had cause to pass through Temple Station. That's on the underground don't you know. Its the closest stop to where those Barrister types go to work.

Well, where they go to have a cup of tea and hang their coats up before hurrying to the Royal Courts of Justice wearing wigs and stuff, looking rather dashing as they majestically sweep across The Strand, avoiding the television crews assembled to film the latest naughty celebrity to be found guilty of something or another.

So following a busy day doing his rounds of the Chambers and Courts with his mobile shoe shine business, (He is hoping to franchise the business and make some money), he parked his bike outside the station and went down to the platform.

It was 5.00pm. Home time, office kicking out time. End of the day. Time to go home to the missus and say hello to the kids.

Temple Station was deserted. Not a soul in sight.

Swiss was puzzled. So he sat and waited. At 6pm, a couple of hassled junior Barrister types came running down to the platform, still wearing their gowns, loaded down with lever arch files with loose papers flying out to board the train.

7pm, a couple more.

Then at 8pm, an exodus of Barristers arrived, with equally heavy laden lever arch files and boarded the train. Thousands of the buggers there was.

They all sat down, opened their files, took out their highlighter pens, and started work.

Sod that for a game of soldiers. Swiss is not going to be playing that game thank you very much.

Swiss expects to be home every day by 6pm, ready for his boiled egg and soldiers for dipping, watch the One Show and get ready for beddie byes.

After the BVC, failed pupillage applicants moan that they should have given up earlier, that they should have known they would never make it, if only they had been more honest with themselves, they would have stopped the fruitless effort to qualify.

Well, Swiss can tell you that he has made his mind up. This is not a game he wants to play anymore. Sod leaving the office at 8pm, taking work home, and being too late for the One Show.

Swiss is happy to carry on with his shoe shine business, polishing the brogues of those dashing Barristers, and maintain a measure of work/life balance. Stuff the BVC. Admittedly, it has taught him all he ever needed to know about Dot to Dot, and not colouring over the edges, and he loves the way that CofL is sponsored by Crayola, but for goodenss sake, missing the One Show and boiled egg and soldiers?

Never.

I Submit

When Swiss was a young lad, he often said 'I submit' Usually it was because his older brother was sitting on his face and farting, or had him pinned down and was kneeing him in the ribs. It was enough to make his eyes well up and scream for Mater.

No longer will Mater come and assist. (Swiss always admired the way she would throw a headlock on big brother and fart in his face to teach him to take a more refined approach to brotherly love)

Now Swiss is on his own with submissions, submitting and anything else that involves trying to swing the Judge round to his point of view.

So, last lesson, Swiss is making a submission. He is unsure if he is making the right point, unsure if he has the right client, a little unclear if he is even in the right class because all the other children appear to be looking at him in a strange way.

Something is not right, yet Swiss can't quite put his finger on it.

But Swiss knows he must soldier on. he ignores the little giggles, the looks, the girlies whispering to each other and sniggering. He soldiers on regardless.

The Judge is trying not to smile. What is it. What has Swiss done wrong. he is submitting his little heart out, and all he gets is giggles.

Swiss self conciously checks his flies. He checks his papers. He looks down to check he hasn't spilt anything down his shirt.

This is not nice.

What has he done?

At the end of the submission, the Judge congratulates him on his fine delivery, attention to detail and use of the appropriate law. The girlies are still giggling.

He checks his flies again.

WHAT CAN IT BE?

Damn the new milk monitor at College of Law.

New News, Old News, Crap News

Last night, despite being a really tired lad, and desperate to go to bed and close his eyes, Swiss wanted to watch the news. There was a clip of a Victor Bomber taking off accidentally with the question 'What did the pilot do when his plane took off by accident?' Swiss thought, Hmm, what did he do?

So he endured the news. Blimey, ENDURED the news. What a complete and utter tabloid crappy pathetic waste of time that was.

The BMA want to ban just about everything and anything to do with alcohol. 'We will be speaking to a mother who's 24 year old son died of alcohol poisoning'

Ah thinks Swiss, good objective journalism then. Nice balanced view. Fair debate then.

Apparently, he was on a six pack of Stella at 13, and moved on to Vodka and then Cider, before falling off the bar to his death. Linking the story to how banning promotion of alcohol would stop all this. The mother wants all kids to see how awful it is.

WTF?

Isn't it illegal for 13 year olds to be downing Stella? Shouldn't the existing law, which admittedly makes sense to ban kids from drinking, just be, well, sort of, enforced?

At least it wasn't the mothers fault. (No mention of the father, but there rarely is nowadays. Probably left her because she kept nipping down the 'offie to get her son another 6 pack of lager) But its never her fault is it. Always blame someone else. Her own son dead, drunk as a skunk for half his life, unable to function without a shot of vodka with a whisky chaser every ten minutes, but its all those adverts what done him in. Was it the Hofmeister dancing bear, or the Leonard Rossiter Cinzano advert what caught him by their evil ways? We can't tell which, so ban then all.

Swiss is sick and tired of this crap.

If ever there was a time to not buy a pub, its now.

One of the things necessary for a good pupillage interview is a grasp of current affairs. Well, stop watching the ten o'clock news then if news is what you want, because the last thing you will ever see on there is actual news. What a crock of shite they are.

Right, Swiss is moving back to Switzerland to binge drink scnapps and eat Toblerones without any poncy BMA interference.

As for the plane, what did it do? It landed again. Humpfff. Swiss ENDURED 25 minutes of crap, AND the weather, (cloudy in the South) and the frigging plane took off and then landed. No spectaculer crash, no loop the loops, no nothing. Up, down. Bahhhhhgggggg.

Swiss is tired and grumpy today and no bloody wonder.

Rude awakening

Swiss has been kicking back and enjoying the school summer holiday. He knew that there was some homework, but being a persuasive and determined kind of guy, he was extremely successful in persuading himself that 'there is loads of time', I can do that later.

Bugger.

In the last few hours, he has realised his typically teenage mistake. Time is not always on your side, especially when it is most needed. The simple homework from year one is not necessarily the same as year two!

Bugger.

Swiss laid in the sun only the other day thinking about the MCT's that he had to do. (Multiple Choice Tests) Oh how easy they are. 4 answers, ABC or D, and only one of them even remotely likely. The last MCT that Swiss did was to do with Health and Safety on a Building Site. (Long story) Typical question:

You are walking across the site, and notice a Polish electrician drilling a hole in a wall. It is raining and he is using an electric drill. Do you:

A - Run for shelter because its raining.
B - Lend him your drill because its faster.
C - Offer him a cup of tea.
D - Tell him to stop because the rain will short circuit the drill and cause an electric shock.

Admittedly, Swiss failed the test, due mainly to his pride in his new Black and Decker Power Blaster Twin Speed Hammer Drill, and he picked B!

But MCT's are simple aren't they?

As he laid in the sun, he pondered the mock MCT he had done last term at CofL. Not to imply that they are really really simple, but here was a typical question:

See the picture of the fire engine. Choose a colour from your crayons and colour it in. Match the colour to the coloured boxes below and choose the one that you think closely matches the big RED fire engine. If your RED crayon is broken, put your hand up and ask the teacher for a new RED crayon.

A - Red
B - Green
C - Blue
D - Yellow

But, something has gone badly wrong with Swiss's plans. Either CofL have been making iot all seem too easy, or he has been given an MCT test from BPP.

Bugger.

Each question starts off with a full page story about some scumbag drug dealing villian that has burgled, stolen, escaped, been chased, caught, charged and is facing trial. Swiss has an hour to do the test, but each goddamn story takes twenty minutes to read and understand.

The question is then something horribly complicated relating to some practice direction, law, rule, or procedure.

The four options are each ten paragraphs long. It takes five minutes to read each answer. It then takes a further five minutes to spot the difference between each one.

Bugger.

After 12 hours of studious contemplation, Swiss has decided that he has two choices. Either tick all the boxes with A, B, C, D alternating through, and making quite a snazzy pattern on the marking sheet, or complain that his paper must be wrong because it came from BPP.

Bugger

Dissapointed

Swiss is a law abiding soul. Ever since he was caught stealing his neighbours car and joy riding at the age of 5, ram raiding the local sweet shop for gobstoppers and licorice laces, he has been a good boy. He is unsure if it was the bollocking he got from Dixon of Dock Green, or the way his dear old pater took his belt to him, but suffice it to say, since then Swiss has been good.

Any transgressions have been either minor, or undetected. He did nick the toy fire engine from under the nose of one of his classmates at nursery school, and he did try passing off a cardboard 5p in a sweet shop while at Junior school, but on the whole, if you are looking for good, law abiding and exemplary behaviour, Swiss is your man.

Last night, whilst meeting a friend for a chat, he was waiting in McDonalds. It was a HUGE place, and Swiss suspecst that they were expecting Jesus to turn up because there was seating for 5000. Swiss selected a table in the deepest reaches of the place because the friend had some juicy gossip to impart and didn't want to be overheard. That, and the screaming kids everywhere but the dark corner seemed to help persuade him to go there.

So, Swiss is there, all alone and looking towards the entrance. And in walk one of Blunkets plastic bobbies. Flak jacket, stab proof vest, handcuffs, truncteon, tazer gun, machine gun and notebook to take down particulars.

Trust me, Swiss has a very healthy opinion of the police. He likes them. He admires them. He sometimes wonders why he didn't become one, because where respect is due, they are up there with doctors, nurses and Baby Spice. And here is the dissapointing thing.

Swiss avoided eye contact and tried to slink down in his chair to avoid being noticed. All because although Swiss knew he had done no wrong, PC Plastic could find a million and one ways to arrest him. Terrorist, maybe, he could be waiting for his 'contact' to arrive before going to blow something up, whats in his bag, where has he been, why does he look suspicious, why is he sitting all alone, why is he wearing a bulky jacket, etc etc.

Admittedly, PC Plastic looked across, and wandered off. (He may have only been looking for a table to sit down at to eat his Happy Meal)

But Swiss is dissapointed. Why did he behave that way. Why did he feel vulnerable. What a shocking state of affairs.

He had left his machete at home, sold all his drugs, parked legally, worn gloves and left no dabs at the scene, and managed to wash off all traces of Cemtex.

What a bloody stupid f***ing travesty, when the innocent are made ot feel guilty.

Swiss is seriously pissed off with it all.

Chambers are missing a trick

There currently seems to be a bit of a backlash against the Pupillage system flowing through various blogs and friends I speak to. (OK, I don't have any friends but if I did they would tell me how bad it all is)

For my part, I am bemused by it all. It has been hammered into my head, time and time again, that I am not to make the sacred ground of Barristership. All the signs were there, and all were ignored in search of something to be able to look back on life and say I made it to the top.

Nevertheless, I am as happy as a pig in shit and therefore not beaten down or upset by it all.

I will continue to make applications, because it seems like a bit of a game, but to be honest, when far more worthy individuals than good old Swiss are being turned down, there is little hope left.

THE LAST BUS

Earlier today, I was in Court. I was helping a poor unfortunate that needed me to hold their hand. I enjoy doing it, because it helps them. They are scared and frightened to go to Court, but are left with no choice.

Today, maybe for the first time, I felt the deepest loathing and hatred of their opponent. I wanted to stab their eyes out with a rusty nail. As for their Solicitor, rusty nails were too good for them. And it struck me, the Bus Stop Rule is one hell of a good reason to not want to be a Barrister. If I am helping someone, and they rub me up the wrong way, I can walk away, adios tosser, do it yourself because Swiss is pissed off with you. That freedom is worth a lot, especially when you see opposition like today. I have seen many a client that I could never in a month of Sundays assist. Presumably I would be disbarred if I had them as a client and had poked their eyes out with a rusty nail. If it ever happens, Swiss will let you all know.

ANDROPOV IS A STAR

Anyway, to the point of my post. Last week I asked the very bright and capable Andropov of http://accedas-ad-curiam.blogspot.com/ fame to do a little job for me. (I should point out that she did once tell me how to put links in posts, but sorry Andropov, I wasn't listening properly)

You will now notice at the top of my Blog that my little award from Minxy is displayed like a poster on a little boys bedroom wall. I just had to have it there to show off, and remind me of my place. Contender for awards, but not giver of awards. Hence the picture for this post. It isn't as far as I know Andropov, although I hear she is a bit of a looker, but it is typical of posters that boys had on their bedroom walls when Swiss were a lad.

Andropov set up this blog, in exactly the design I wanted. No fuss, no bother, no flowers or nothing. She just did the job, smiled, and got on with things. She has also designed the incredibly clever site for Minxy http://minx610.blogspot.com/ (Andropov, I will listen if you tell me again how to do it, but don't tell me in HTML code like last time. Simple step by step guide in English will be best. Write it slowly, you know I can't read fast)

Admittedly, Minxy's blog has more bells and whistles than Swiss's, but she obviously learnt a lot doing this blog before embarking on her pride of place Blog.

So, Chambers are missing a trick. Come on Swiss you old fart, get on with the story. (Its like listening to Ronnie Corbet at times) Some of the websites are atrocious. Awful sites. What they need to do is give Andropov a Pupillage on the condition that she redesigns their site for them.

Thanks Andropov, you have my never ending thanks for setting up the blog, and keeping it running like a well oiled machine. Don't forget to let me know when you visit old smokey London and I will treat you to dinner at Inner. Forget Minx's tedious comments about their baked potatoes. She joined the wrong Inn and is just trying to make herself feel better about it.

Swiss

The votes are in!

Blimey.

Swiss has been getting on with his stuff, working hard, doing his homework for school, and little did he know that his efforts have been rewarded in a way never dreamt of.

Assessments will mean nothing in future. Aspirations of getting a pass in at least one subject is no longer his goal.

He has been watched. He has been assessed. He has been found to be the best at something.

Last time this happened, he was still living with Mater and Pater. He was mollycoddled and cared for like never before, or since in his life. Anything he wanted was handed to him on a plate, which goes some way to describing the size of the fat git. Pater would work in the city in order to provide more and more for Swiss. Mater would cook and clean and tidy up behind him. Life was bliss.

And then one day, it all went pear shaped. Some people say that Swiss is over sensitive and can't take criticism, and that all stemmed from an incident when Pater arrived home from the office to discover Swiss rifling through the kitchen drawer, where he discovered his adoption papers.

At this point, I bet you are all suspecting that little Swiss was sat down and told how mater and pater has chosen him because he was the best. How that made him special. How he was loved.

Actually, the papers simply showed that they had put him up for adoption, as in the words of papa, 'you are a right bloody pest Swiss'

It was years before he recovered. Before he realised that when dear old pater said pest, he hadn't said best. Until he realised that when he said pest, he really meant %^$£*&^$%.

As he types this tale of woe, even now, tears are welling up for dear old Swiss. Life can be cruel.

And then, BAM, life becomes sweet once again. Troubles are lifted from tired old shoulders, and he can walk with a sping in his step.

He has been recognised as a winner. No longer the loser in life. No longer the fumble fingered idiot that cant speak to girls. No longer the stammer. No longer the nervous tick.

Swiss is a winner.
And the prize? The prize of his life? The pinnacle of achievement?

The Mostly Blonde Charges Award for Expert Colouring in Without EVER Going over the Edges(EVER) Award

And all it took, was some of these:
And a few of these:


Nominated by some of these:
Swiss is a happy man

Swizzle

EXCLUSIVE - Pupillage Portal to be taken over

A leaked government paper has come Swiss Tony's way under highly suspicious and scurrilous circumstances, and it makes interesting reading.

Sir Hugh Farting-Fartington QC, head of the Bar Councils Pupillage Council has said that he will not be seeking re-election at the next voting round. He claims its for family reasons. Sources close to Sir Hugh (Fartface to his friends) say that he was so busy flipping his various houses that he took his eye off the Pupillage Portal (PP) ball, and the scandalous state of it is down to him. Other sources say that there is a lot of back stabbing going on, and that Fartface did everything he possibly could under difficult circumstances to make it work, but the decision to raise the word limit from 150 to 350 words was a step too far.

Swiss Tony called the Bar Council to confirm reports that the PP has been outsourced to a new entity to resolve, and Lucy Snellsnortsworth, who was gamely manning the phones during this difficult period would only put him through to the right department if he could explain in no more than 350 words why she should. Having done so, she hung up. A fax was received 3 weeks later saying 'REJECTED'

It seems clear that nobody responsible for the PP will admit to being in the country at the time, knowing what it is, or even why it exists, so further enquiries were made via various undercover sources to get to the truth.

Finally, a whistleblower for Kings Cross Train Station (I think he is the Station Master) revealed what is to become of it all.

Secret cabinet talks have been underway since Lawminx started moaning about PP last year, and it seems that the Government have taken control of it. They sat back this year to allow it to nail the last nail into its coffin lid, and are now set to transform the BVC, Pupillage, and Tenancy.

A non party committee has been set up to consider the cost of the BVC and its content. It is to hold talks in secret, and comprises three noble parties. BPP, CofL and CLS. They are promising to revamp the course to ensure that no longer will students get ripped off and given crap lessons, and have revolutionary ideas to dumb down the course a lot more than it is to encourage those less able to pass, and to raise the cost of the course, but to give vouchers to the useless to half their costs so that they can participate and feel part of the process. Students unable to speak english will be given free entry to the course and some lessons will be held in foreign so that there is no discrimination. Mayor of London, Boris said 'Don't you just love the multicultural London nowadays'

Gordon Brown has promised to align the PP with other government examinations, and is to take his lead from the UK Border Agencies 'Citizen Test' For those who don't know, it begins with a demonstration of how to use a mouse, and then asks a series of questions about rubbish. If you get a question wrong, you can try it again. You can answer it as many times as you want to until you get it right. You can even buy a book from HM Stationers with all the answers in it. having passed the test you get citizenship, a nice certificate and benefits.

Gordon said 'I believe that anyone that wants to be a Barrister should be given the opportunity to do so, and not be hindered by their nationality, language, intelligence, or financial position. As a Government, we want to open the opportunities up so that anyone can have a bash at representing our ever growing criminal fraternity. Crime has risen so fast that we just can't expect the current crop of Barristers to cope. The Conservatives would throw them all in prison, because they are bastards, but we feel that if we can get their cases thrown out of Court at an early stage by incompetent representation, we will save so much money from no longer having to pay for prisons, and Probation Officers that we can all go back to the good old days of claiming expenses for everything.'

Mandy Mandelson has been caught dressing up in a wig and gown in preparation for the new term. Alistair darling has been caught with his shoes and socks off, using his toes as well as his fingers to count up just how much money the Government will be saving. Chipmunk Blears is grinning like a insane insane thing, and Harriet Hardman is promising that there will be no men allowed on the next years intake of students to allow for equality to reach a level playing field.

Sources close to Sir Hugh (fartface) Farting-Fartington QC say that if you think this year was a disaster, next year will be worse. Sir Hugh has been advised to not go walking in any woods on his own.

A Government insider was heard to say that the current system is unfair and does not serve the Country the way that all other areas of life do. If the rest of the country is so fucked up that it is collapsing, whats the point of the Legal profession continuing the same old same old way. The sign of a good Government that is really in colntrol is to bring everything to the same level. This government is determined to bring Barristers in line with Teachers, the Police and Lollipop ladies (and men) (Lollipop persons?)

Lawminx was unavailable for comment, but seems likely to have a few words to say about it when she has cleared her hangover. Admittedly, one hangover seems to merge into the next, but she is expected to be sober at some point in October.

BarMaid welcomes the opportunity to pay more for her course and says that if Ho Chow Mong and Fransesca Gratelli, Stanislaw Gregolov and Helga Kreutzberg on her course can get next years lessons for free, and all advocacy lessons in future will be rotated through Chinese, Italian, Polish and German it will be good for racial harmony and a good thing, as they struggled a bit last year with making submissions for no case to answer and she felt guilty at being so good.

Barboy is still just crying.

Andropov is glad that she has finished with it all and never has to go back.

Lost is still lost.

Unilooney is also lost in action. Some say that Stalin girl has him held in a gulag somewhere and he is doing hard labour.

Swiss Tony has decided to tuen his back on it all and is back to selling cars for a living. Selfish bastard. Its people like him that contribute nothing to society that ruined this country. Good riddance I say.

Half time whistle

And so the referee blows his whistle, and the half way point has been reached. No point turning back now, because it would take just as long to do that as carry on, although the path ahead is littered with unknown obstacles, while I know that the road already traveled has been pretty smooth, nice scenic views, nice people met along the way, and level walking.

Which brings me to the point of my post. A year ago before I began the BVC I worried that I was a numbskull and would be laughed out of class on day one. I worried that I may not be up to the job, that the lessons would be too hard, the homework overwhelming, and the rest of the class pretensious and obnoxious twits.

With the exception of the latter, I have been proven wrong on every front. I have loved the course, relished the lessons (Hmm, maybe not relished!), enjoyed it all. I will be the first to admit that trying to get my head around Hearsay was never going to be easy, and still isn't, but nothing else has been so difficult that I felt out of my depth.

Enjoyable is the word for it. The teaching staff have been wonderful, the challenge has been manageable, and I feel that despite my fears I have done alright.

So as I approach a few weeks off, eight actually, and as I consider the amount of homework I have to get through, which admittedly is probably less than 1 days worth of BPP finest homework challenges, I am looking forward to the second half.

Criminal and Civil are pretty much dealt with now, and advocacy seems to be the biggie for next year, and of course the selectives we can choose, so I feel that the hardest part is probably behind me now, and even if it isn't, bring it on.

So to anyone beginning the BVC in September, you have nothing to fear, it is enjoyable if you put your mind to it, apply yourself and make the effort to study and do your homework.

Of course, maybe its just CofL that is enjoyable.

What struck me as funny yeterday on the underground was I chose CofL because I could get there with a direct connection on the tube. If I went to BPP I would have had to change lines. Blow me down if every bloody weekend TFL are doing engineering works and I need to change lines anyway. Now that is a Swizz

Swizz

Assessing the Assessments

OK, so you all know I have done the Legal Research nightmare. On balance, I think i did alright. I managed to find some stuff to write about in a knowledgeable way, and made it sound as if I knew what I was talking about. Added a few diagrams and pictures to illustrate my thoughts, created a rather snazzy pop-up section to illustrate the use of the Gents toilets after dark, and ended with a cartoon strip to illustrate my views on dogs.

And here is the clever bit, the part that I feel will make me stand out from the rest, the cartoon strip featured Snoopy. Blimey, I can hear the whoops and cheering from here. I know, I know, damn clever. Not being one to sabotage others attempts, but I did throw in some pretty clear suggestions to the rest of the class to feature Garfield, and he is a cat! Ha ha ha, that will fix 'em.
I have also done the Conference Assessment. Now this is a strange one. The theory is that as a barrister, you meet your guilty scumbag client 20 minutes before stepping into Court. You have the Prosecution papers and need to get your clients version of events so that you are clear about whats occurring when you try and persuade the Judge that your client is not as guilty as we all know they are.

So arriving at CofL, led into a room under exam conditions and given some papers concerning the case. Guilty sod has ram raided a bakery and stolen some pies and donuts, and was caught twenty minutes later by plod with crumbs around his mouth, and 2 jam donuts in his pocket.

I had one hour to read the papers, which was about 30 minutes too much, and wrote down some theories about my client, ready to question the guilty swine about his misdemeanors. (Spell check is quite clever isn't it)

Led to room where my client is sitting waiting. Not to put too fine a point on it, but what a fat lardy arse he was. He was sitting 4 feet away from the table. Well his body was, but his fat lardy stomach was resting on the table.
There is a defined procedure for what is allowed, not allowed, and what is critical to say to your client. Relax them, get them on side, trusting you, putty in your hands. Read carefully, because this will get you a pass when you do your assessment. Follow my words to the letter and you will be fine.

Hi mate, I am Swiss Tony, here to save your sorry fat arse from clink, so listen in and I will give you the run down, and tell you what to say to Judgeyboy. You wasn't there, can't drive and are on a diet. You were in McDonalds eating a Bigmac. Its a set up, and you don't even like pies.

He looked at me through little piggy eyes, and said 'Oh Swiss, when they told me that you would be representing me I knew I was safe.'

The twenty minutes passed in a blur. We discussed chips at length, pizzas and curry. We both like Mars Bars, and Coke. The time flew.

Never before have I had to represent such a nice guilty burglar before, so I enjoyed myself.

Now, I just need to wait for the results to come out, but I have a good feeling about these two assessments. Roll on next year where we have 10 more to do. They are fun, and I like them.

Swizzy

Legal Research

One of the required elements of the BVC is legal research. You will be given a scenario by your over worked Pupil Master who has asked you to look into what will happen to their client. Its a case of dumping the file on your desk, leaving a note with a few questions on it, and then departing to the Caribbean for a month while they take a holiday, safe in the knowledge that you will discover everything necessary to get answer the problem.

Therein lies the problem with being a Barrister. How can you ever get on when your Pupil Master is an over optimistic idiot. Surely they know that you are an inept bumbling fool that shouldn't be left in charge of making a cup of tea, let alone offering an opinion on a legal issue.

OK, so first thing to do is to check if anyone has a number for the hotel in the Caribbean. Second thing is to let the wave of panic run its course through your veins. Third is to cry.

Opening the file, you will find that the problem isn't quite as bad as you feared. Then you read a bit further, and discover its so bloody complicated and has so many twists and turns that it might just be time to call it a day. You have bluffed your way this far, but you have met your match, you cannot keep up the pretense any longer. You realise that admitting defeat is sometimes an honourable thing to do.

Maybe, just maybe, and you will have to humour me here, its worth making a start? Write something down and see what happens. It might flow, it might convince someone that you know what to do. Stop that manic laughing, give it a go.

Summarise the problem. This is relatively easy, but not for the feint hearted. You have to read the 50 pages of bumf, and summarise it in a logical and easy to follow way.

OK, Mr Smith is a guilty scumbag and got drunk and beat up his wife. She is in hospital with broken ribs, and he says she fell down the stairs. He was arrested, and in the car on the way to the cop shop he said to the copper, I will give you ten thousand quid to let me do a runner. Copper accepts a cheque and lets him out the door as they slow for the traffic lights. As Mr Smith runs round the corner, her trips over a dangerous Pit Bull dog and cracks his head open on the pavement. The policeman realises that he can't turn up at the cop shop without a prisoner, so he goes to the park and arrests a deaf dumb and blind tramp called Kevin. Kevin thinks he is being mugged, so punches the copper who falls backwards and impails himself on the railings outside the parks public convenience. Two man gainfully employed in using a cubicle in the toilets for a pupose not specified to the Parks Committee, hear the screams of the dying policeman and rush outside and nick his wallet. As they run off, one of them gets hit by the ambulance rushing to assist the Policeman and dies. The Policeman is taken to the hospital where he is placed in a bed alongside Mrs Smith.

OK, that was OK. See how it all comes together once you make a stab at it.

Right, what does the idiotic Pupil Master want me to do? Ah, investigate the dangerous dogs act, and advise on what can be done to clean up the park.

Go online, check the cost of a flight to anywhere that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the UK, and go. Just go. Get out of here, because sometimes the law is a bitch and a complicated one at that.

Does anyone ever actually pass Legal Research? Seriously, is it possible?

Bloody hell, I can't read the cost of the tickets through my tears.

Swine Fever and OLPAS Fruits

Swiss is a worried man. Yes, truly worried.

Listening to the radio during breakfast this morning, he nearly choked on his bacon sarnie. Swine fever is at pandemic proportions. Apparently, the honeymooning coupe who first caught it have recovered and gone home, but they passed the lurgy to a friend who is now in hospital.

The figures announced were that FIVE are in hospital, but they still expect 750,000 deaths, and 1.5 Million hospital admissions. Swiss doesn't like to swear, but what the fuck? What sort of distortion of a story is that?

Knowing that the media have been allowed into Family Courts, he wonders at the sort of stories they will come up with for cases they are allowed to see, but are not allowed to report on. (What the fuck?)

Swiss allowed his mind to wander at how reporting would appear in the newspapers and on radio for the OLPAS Fruity Pupillage Portal. He can imagine reports of 250 Million applications being made for only 5 places. The Ministry of Justice has reported a Pandemic and the imminent collapse of justice in this country. All Judges will wear masks, and defendants will appear in Court in isolation tanks whipped from hospitals due to the risk of spreading disease. Solicitor Advoctes will be shipped to Mexico (so not all bad news then) and bacon sarnies will no longer be served in Court canteens.

The government will legislate on pork chops and dogs will no longer be allowed to eat pigs ears. Any child with a bedroom looking like a pig sty will be sent to a Youth Detention Centre until they mend their ways. Members of Parliament will be given an allowance for setting up decontamination facilities at their first, second and third homes.

Anyone caught giving a child a piggy back ride in public will be given an on the spot fine for £5000. If they are talking on their mobile at the time they will be shot.

You may wonder why Swiss is worried? He has heard that Gordon Brown, stateman, world saver and marvel of government has taken charge. Be worried. Be very worried. It is slowly dawning on Swiss why it is actually possible that what is currently only 5 people with the sniffles could result in 750,000 deaths. Gordon is dealing with it.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Swiss was emailed this article which has been released by the Bar Council.

"The Pupillage Portal has had its deadline extended. Whilst we accept that it has been open for applications for over a month, and we are seeking applicants with a bit of common sense to not wait until the deadline before crashing the system, potential barristers who understand the need to be prepared, to manage their time so that they can do what's important, to prioritise their lives, to bloody well meet deadlines, we will give them another days grace."

Swiss has said it before, he will say it again, 'what the fuck?'

Swissle

Made to make your mouth water!!!

There is a rumour going around that the Pupillage Portal will be renamed after this round of applications to the Starburst Portal.

Why can't they just leave things alone.

Well, I am not mentioning the word, but I am done with it. I have chewed, tried all flavours, removed that little bit of paper that always managed to stick to the sweet and only revealed itself after a bit of chewing, and am not going back for a month or so.

Good or bad, Swizzy has done his bit. If they can't see the benefits of having me on their team, then sod them. In fact, before they reject me sod them anyway. Nah nah nah nah nah, I got in first.

Back to my day job in ASDA, and I am once again, saying nuffink.

Jobs a good'un

Swizzlestick

OLPAS - I aint saying nothing, right!

It appears to me that too much is being written, and complained about with OLPAS at the moment. So I have decided that this Blog will be an OLPAS complaint free zone.

Therefore, I have nothing to say on the matter.

I did look for a picture of Marcel Marceau to illustrate the silence, but decided that this picture of me working hard in another of my part time jobs was a better way of putting it.

This is me outside BPP, which I have found is a very lucrative place to stand at weekends for change to be thrown in my little pot. It seems that BPP students are desperate to pay anyone anything to get ahead, so money pours forth from their grubby little hands. CLS students ignored me in a superior way, and CofL students nicked my hat and pushed me off the box.

Its disgraceful, the state of education in this country.

So, I will not mention OLPAS, here, now, tomorrow, or thereafter. I will do it, if I can summon the enthusuasm and work out how to log on, but for now, I am keeping schtum.

You aint seen me, right!

Swizz

Its enough to give you a headache

Whats the big difference between studying a subject full time or part time?

Its just clicked. I know it takes me a while for obvious things to sink in, but I have realised this evening what the MAJOR disadvantage is in studying the BVC part time. I was happy go lucky until now.

Three weeks ago I was given a pile of homework to do. Admittedly, by the standards of BPP it was a teensy weensy little pile, but to me it was a mission. Lets not forget that I have a full time job to hold down, and my part time job as a strip-o-gram to fit in.

So Criminal gave us four items. Civil gave us four. Ignoring the weekends, because I don't want to study during them if I can help it, so we have fifteen evenings available.

What I usually do, is apply myself to homework between say 5pm and 7.30. Then I stop for din dins. Sometimes I do more, often I do less. I have always managed to do whats been required, I have seldom been able to do more than is required, but that has been the gist of my academic life throughout. I am desperate to change that, desperate to shine on the BVC, but its just not happening, life keeps getting in the way.

Anyway, three weeks ago I did the first session of homework, read the text books, made some notes, checked on-line a little, thought about it, worked out my plan, and job done.

The next evening I was out, but the following one I did session 2. Etc etc.

Now, the evening before the weekend of lessons, I have looked at the first piece of homework I did, and I can't remember doing it. Not one part of it is familiar, and the reason that I think I wasn't responsible for it, is because it is shite!

As my dad would say, Shite on a stick!

Mum would say that if it looks like shite, it is shite! (My parents have a way with words)

So three weeks ago I knew it, now I don't. Tomorrow I will turn up for classes, and be clueless aver something that I did know, but have forgotton.

Had I been doing this game fulltime, I would have read it tonight, gone to class tomorrow, done the business, been given the next piece to do, and how easily it would have flowed, a steady drip drip of homework and lessons, all intermingling into a simple, straightforward delight.

Biggest scare of all, is what happens at exam time? I have flicked through past work in panic to see if any of it did sink in, but its not looking good.

I have a feeling of impending doom before me.

I have a headache.

Swizzle (on a stick)

Don't like it

I am not sure that I quite like the exercise I am currently working on, and have a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I have a very strong desire to restrict my submission to a single line 'I have nothing to add your honour'

I am representing a young lad who has beaten up a gang rival in a pub fight. The other side want to bring in evidence of him having been previously arrested and convicted for being drunk, and for fighting, and for drunken fighting, and being a general tosser. They think it will convince the jury that he is a bad'un, a naughty boy that has a propensity for getting drunk and fighting.

I am arguing for the poor lad, sticking up for him because nobody else will, but he is a scumbag drunken twat. I know it has to be done, and innocent until proven guilty and all that, but he is soooo guilty that bad character evidence or not, he did it. I can smell the alcohol on his breath and I haven't even met him yet.

Give me five minutes with him in a cell, and he won't be drinking anything except through a straw, M'lud.

Criminal Law is just not for me i am afraid. Any areas of law that involve pressing pretty wild flowers and making daisy chains?

I just don't like it.

Buggered if I know what to do!

Further to my previous posting about persuading someone to my point of view in 100 words, I have been set a new challenge.

What part of legislation or area of law would I change in 750 words.

Blimey, where to begin!

There is so much that makes me angry. So many things that reduce me to a state of apoplexy. People should avoid me when I even think about some of the stoopid rules that govern this fine and beautiful land.

Trouble is that as this is for a pupillage application, and I just don’t think getting up on my soapbox, or punching people is the way forward, once again the problem becomes harder to deal with.

It needs to be well thought through, considered and eloquent. Not something I have ever been famed for doing. It also needs to be something that I am not that bothered about changing, because when I tried writing about the main antagonising issues that create a red mist across my eyes, I end up bashing the keyboard so hard the letters go all wrong.

So the real question is, what area of law am I not that bothered about, don’t give a flying fig about, but can manage to write a couple of pages about without getting too angry or shouting about.

That excludes ASBO’s. To be honest I quite like them. Mine is hanging in a frame behind my desk. It excludes the death penalty which I would introduce, especially for drivers using the phone on roundabouts. It excludes anything related to driving actually. Parking in disabled spaces is the thing that REALLY makes me mad. Speed cameras… ooh, I am getting annoyed again.

It excludes most laws that we have, but not anything in Blackstones, which are all proper laws and don’t annoy me whatsoever. Ah, so that’s where I need to begin my search. The Big Book of Law. Normal laws, find something with an edge to it, and then write about how I would change it.

Nothing too off the wall because I don’t want the pupillage committee thinking I am a nutcase. Let them find that out once they select me, but not at the interview. This needs some cunning and strategy. It needs thought, and that, I am afraid, is where I fall down.

Crickey Moses, this pupillage lark is a real nuisance.

Dining

As part of the system of qualifying as a Barrister, you have to get hold of 12 dining sessions. Its obviously vitally important to ensure that anyone that makes it to the ultimate golden towers of pupillage, knows how to eat. So over the duration of your course, one year full time, or two years part time, you have to attend the Temple and prove that you can eat.

In the scheme of things then, when compared with some of the more demanding features of the course, like standing up in front of your class and making a fool of yourself because you haven't got a clue how to present your clients best interests properly., or messing up any of the writing skills because you cannot grasp the fundamentals of Contract Law, Tort or Criminal Law, proving that you can eat is relatively simple.

12 points are required. You get one for the call night, which is the final hurdle, when you are actually made a Barrister and called to the bar. So you only need 11. Attending educational things tend to give you points, so in theory you haven't got to prove the ability to eat, but its so easy anything else seems like hard work in comparison.

You would imagine that marks would be lost for getting gravy down your shirt, or knocking over your wine glass, but its so simple to dine that just turning up, eating and leaving is all thats required. Its a cracking part of the course.

So, Swiss Tony turned up looking pretty darn smart in his best suit, shiny shoes and white shirt, tie strategically placed to hide the previous gravy stains. Hair brushed, teeth shining, healthy glow to his boyish good looks. (I know, quite a catch actually)

All students require a gown. There were racks with hundreds to choose from. Swiss spent a while looking through them and selected a nice black full length number, and became only slightly dissapointed that it clashed with every other student.

Into the big posh room for an apperatif. I didn't find any of those, but had a glass of wine instead. And catch this, waiters walking about with more wine topping you up as they go. (This actually became a problem as the evening wore on!)

Making small talk with other students, or their mums and dads, friends, wifes and husbands, civil partners, and anyone else they chose to invite, and then GOOOOONNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG, 'Dinner is served' I looked across to where I thought a strapping semi naked man wielding a huge hammer had whacked a massive gong, and was only slightly dissapointed to see a waitress with a cow bell and a drum stick. I know times are hard, but hadn't realised that the credit crunch had reached this far.

Into the big hall. To describe it isn't easy, but its a hall, and its big.

Sit anywhere you like. This is the tricky bit. Do you head towards the good looking girlie students that will make the evening pass with an attractive edge to it, but realising that good looking students often tend to be nerdy, vacant, clueless, pretentious, idiots, or head towards the less good looking students, that often tend to be nerdy, vacant, clueless, pretentious, idiots.

(Swiss Tony would like to make it very clear at this point that all of his blogging friends do not fit into this category, although as he has never met any of them, its a moot point)

One lesson Swiss did learn, was do not sit next to groups of students from the same establishment. They will not allow you into their conversation. Admittedly, you wouldn't want to get into their conversation, and you will spend the evening thanking your lucky stars that you didn't go where they attend.

Best bit is to either sit at the end of a table so there is only a risk of sititng next to one nerdy, vacant, clueless, pretentious, idiotic student, or find someones parent to sit next to, because they at least will be nice to you. Probably thinking that you are a judge or something important.

The eating part is actually quite easy. Waiters bring you the food, you eat it, they bring you the next course, and before you know it, you have the qualifying session under your belt, in Swiss's case it joined the gravy stains.

As BarMaid found, and reported previously, the gown does enable you to swish. Best is to walk past someone and swish, or walk through a doorway, turn left, and notice that your gown is following in the slipstream so you depart the room before your presence has left with a resounding SWISH.

Dining is great, and if you take a guest its even better.

Swish Tony (See, I said that the bottomless wine glass had an effect!)

Indictments

Now I have found this an interesting thought. Admittedly, I find a lot of the course interesting, but in the depths of this 'slightly less than interesting' lesson, I struck gold in the interest stakes.

An Indictment is a document listing all of the offences that a scumbag criminal has carried out.

Scenario:
Coppers arrest a white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag for dangerous driving and find a silver candlestick in his trouser pocket. 'No, honest officer, I was just pleased to see you'

Back at the nick, a report comes in for a burglary. Plod hot foots it round to the crime scene and take a witness statement. Homeowner came home an hour ago and found a tooled up scumbag climbing out of the bathroom window. Describes him as white, 6'2 and dark hair.

Following a search of the premises, guess whats missing! No, go on, have a guess.

Did you say a silver candlestick? Oooooh, how did you know.

Homeowner attends an id parade. Doesn't pick the white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag. SOCO doesn't find any dabs on the window frame, or anywhere. Blasted white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag must have worn gloves.

Now, to the interesting bit, although to be honest, I think all the excitement has been spent on this scenario, the blues and twos and done and dusted, the tooled up white 6'2 dark haired scumbag didn't give the homeowner a kicking, nobody resisted arrest, no guns, and even more scary, no Police dogs. Police interview was exciting, lots of questions from good cop/bad cop returned with 'No comment'

So I have to make a list of offences that the white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag has committed.

Theft? How do I know? Crappy witness identification. Could have been anyone that is white, 6'2 and dark haired.

Handling? Well, yes, banged to rights, but is he the thieving white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag? Actually, did he know that the candlestick was stolen? I would look it up if I could be bothered but I suspect that lets him off that charge. Surely walking around in broad daylight with a candlestick in your pocket is quite normal? (OK, I looked it up for the sake of authenticity, and to prevent clever clogs spouting legislation at me. He has to know its stolen to count as handling)

Come on, come on, come on, says the Judge, list his offences properly on the Indictment or we will let him off, and pay him thousands because we falsely arrested him. What to do? Quickly, quickly, Theft or just handling, or nothing?

For now, until I get some suggestions, I will follow the usual procedure and do him for drug dealing, Public Order, and not putting his bins out on the correct day. He will not see the light of day while I am clearing the courts of white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbags.

Send him down.

Swizz

So what is the BVC all about then?

When I first found blogs, I was desperate to find out what the BVC was all about. I searched and searched and couldn't really find what I was looking for. I knew that everybody said 'Its not like the GDL, its different', but nowhere could I find what it was that made it different.

So, I started this blog with the intention of covering that, yet have been sidetracked, and generally just spout drivel and nonsense, so here goes for an attempt to explain what the course is like.

Lessons are divided into Criminal and Civil. Criminal essentially takes us through the route from meeting your client for the first time, through bail, the various courts, to hopefully being let off rather than convicted and locked up for life for a crime they didn't commit and would have been found innocent of, had their Barrister listened in class and known how to do their job properly.

So in a typical lesson, we have pre-reading to do before the lesson so we should know a little about what the lesson is for. Say we are doing Bail. We have been given a set of papers for a naughty person that has been bad, and been caught. We read the papers, and find reasons why he shouldn't be banged up until his trial comes along, but should be allowed back into society so that he can thieve and beat more people up.

You then stand up in front of the class and make your application. Explain how he has turned over a new leaf since coming out of prison for the 5th time, he has a new baby (From the course I think all villians have new babies) has a new job about to start soon, wasn't there, didn't do it, its a set up, honest guv.

Sit down and look to the rest of the class who are either giggling because they went before you and theirs was better, or are crapping themselves because they go next. Lecturer asks you how you think it went, you criticise your own performance, they then tell you it was actually quite good, or crap, depending on their mood. The rest of the class are invited to comment, and everyone just nods their heads and says 'Good'

In the first quarter of the course there have been no more than 5 cases to know about.

In Civil, we take a client from maybe a road traffic accident, or defective goods bought in a shop, through making an application to the Court, to writing a Particulars of Claim which is essentially their whole story about the unfortunate incident and why they want money from the other side. Then writing a defence, just in case your client is the villain that has sold defective goods, or run someone over.

I can't think of a single case we have had to know, but all the rules and procedures are in a bloody thick book with wafer thin paper. There are about 2500 pages, and then they give you volume 2! You could roll your own ciggies out of the paper.

So it is different from the GDL. Lectures are not 'you listen to me and make notes', it generally is more a discussion, and is all about procedure rather than law.

You need to know some law though to do well. Contract Law, Tort and Criminal really. Negligence, and breach of contract mainly. In criminal, you need to know what the elements of a crime are so that you can see if your client did commit the crime, or at least if you look it up in another Rizla type book you would understand the elements of the crime.

On the whole, I have found it all quite enjoyable and interesting.

One thing is for sure, it is not like the photo at the top of this post, but more like this one:

Swizz

My Dad. What a guy!

Having spent ages working on my 100 word persuasive argument, in steps my dad with the perfect solution.

You have to admire my dad. He only ever had one pair of shoes which had no soles when he was at school, and only ever had an orange and a penny for Christmas, had never seen bananas until he was 12, was evacuated in the war to a coal mine where he did 12 hour shifts, and was beaten black and blue every night by his big brother, yet he is the happiest person to ever walk the earth. His toothless grin brightens any room.

I know all that sounds a bit Monty Python, but I know its true, because he is my dad and would never fib to me.

During the war he was on a midget submarine with his mate, Chalky White, and they blew up the Bismark all on their own. He also captured Hitler, but had to let him go when he was given a new mission to go and find Churchills laptop which had been left on the train. He found Lord Lucan living in Wolverhampton. He taught Bobby Moore how to play football. He has even been to the moon, but isn't allowed to talk about it. He has done loads of things and is very brave and very very clever.

He taught me all the essential things in life too, like how to make a pair of socks last a week, how to drip gravy down my shirt, how to swear to good effect and how to impress the ladies.

Now, to my eternal thanks, he has solved the 100 word riddle. Emailed to me last night and given a higher priority to him than the Soduku he has been working on since last April, he is rightly proud of his work, and I am too.

So to anyone even thinking of applying to this set of Chambers, give up, go home, save your energy, Swiss Tony is there, first place, winner, top place, because his dad has saved his sorry arse yet again.

***** God Does have a sense of humour *****

Consider God’s creation and things he has given us.

Tsunamis, eathquakes, forest fires, and volcanoes, floods and disease.

Nothing funny about those is there? So would you say that God have no sense of humour?

Wait a minute, what about ducks. Have you ever seen a miserable duck? Never. Always a smile. Listen to their laugh, is it a bare ha ha ha, or a real hearty, quack quack quack.

And just when you think they may be rather cute after all they upturn and show you their arse.

Now believe me when I say that God had a sense of humour.


Thanks Dad, you are the bestest.

Swizz

100 words

Here is an interesting challenge. I have been practicing making Pupillage applications and one of the questionnaires I have asks me to persuade them to accept my point of view in 100 words.

I thought this would be a laugh. It doesn't have to be a serious topic, they do say realistic or otherwise.

I thought of:

Carrots DO help you to see in the dark.

Dogs CAN look up. (Watch Shaun of the Dead)

My mums cooking isn't THAT bad. Hmm, not sure I could convince anyone of that except my dad!

I then thought of a master stroke.

'It is impossible to convince anyone of anything in only 100 words.' My thinking being that at the end of my 100 words I would be able to say that if they are not convinced I must be right.

The trouble with this little exercise is that as soon as you lay out your proposition 25% of your word count has already been used up. There is precious little space left to convince anyone of anything

It then dawned on me what a clever task this is. It is extremely difficult to put into few words a convincing argument. Even saying 'That's just because it is' uses up 1/20th of the allowance.

If/when I get called in for an interview I will reveal what I really did, but I am impressed at the concept. It has had me thinking for a few days.

swizzle

Smash Hits

Last night while driving home in the dark, negotiating a roundabout, some berk in a 4x4 drove into the side of me. He was attempting to cut across two lanes of a roundabout without looking out of his windows. Berk.

We both pulled over to confront each other, and I said 'you were in the wrong lane if you wanted to turn off there' he said 'We will let the insurance sort it out.'

I know people don't like to admit fault, but I was in the right, honest!

While driving the last mile home I thought about it, and feel quite strongly that it is wrong that he probably has fully comprehensive insurance (just like me) so won't give a toss about his stupid negligent driving and will never learn a lesson, and will carry on driving like berk because it doesn't actually cost him anything.

So I thought about all those 'Particulars of Claim' that I have been writing over the last few months, and thinking about all the things he did wrong, and composing my own claim to sue his backside off. That will teach him a lesson and make him look next time.

But in the cold light of day, whats the point. I might even lose in court and have to pay his fees. Surely it is easiest to let the insurance deal with it and move on.

But it annoys me. OK, so my insurance doesn't cost me much, but his stupidity is being paid for by other people. He needs a right good slapping.

Berk

On the bright side, nobody was injured and I will at least get a new door on the car.

Lesson previously learned, DO NOT GO TO COURT ON A PRINCIPLE

Swizz

ps Whatever happened to 'Plastic Bertrand'?

Panic stations

It may just be me, but what a strange feeling it is to be all of a fluster and panicking about having so many things to do and so little time to do it in.

I appreciate that Bar Boy and Bar Maid, and like as not anyone that goes to BPP, spends most of their life in said panic so it seems normal, but this is a new one on me.

Four months into the course and it has all been reasonably laid back, feet up on the desk, playing solitaire on the pc instead of researching something on Lexis Nexis, sometimes it even being so slack that I don't bother getting out of bed.

In addition to my usual working day, I have homework. Probably a little more than usual, but the last month or so it has been minimal. Then an Opinion to write. I did half of it during Xmas, but still have a bit of research to do.

I have begun to realise the shortcomings of my 'plastic' GDL qualification and the lack of depth we went into in subjects. I end up knowing that there must be 'something' that applies in this situation, but buggered if I can find it. All my Uni books are spread across my desk but I still can't find what I am looking for.

I have then discovered FIVE pupillages that I should apply for before their January 30th deadlines. I haven't tried this before, so I have to invent all sorts of stuff to make me sound interesting. Its actually quite a challenge to write the first one, although they get easier as there is an element of cut and paste when you are doing a few together.

And then WHAM, bang, right between the eyes, PANIC STATIONS.

A Mock Legal Research project. Admittedly, it is along the lines of a subject I am familiar with, which thank the Lord it is because it has thrown me into all sorts of palpitations and sleepless nights. Its one thing to KNOW what the court will do, but quite another to actually pinpoint the bit of law that says WHY they will.

The fact that I am writing this post should be indication enough that I have finished it. What a relief. I feel great. I have been punching the air in triumph which is not a good idea when driving, but hey, I feel good.

Bar Boy and Bar Maid, you both have my undying respect. If you have been running around like the headless chicken I have been this week then I am in awe of you both. This week has been interesting, and I am happy to get my knickers in a twist once in a while, but not constantly. I need a chance to let my heartrate get back to a normal level and catch up on some sleep.

Swizzle