Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Lead poisoning

Swiss is shocked.

He has been busily revising for the forthcoming funny weekend ahead, which CofL has decreed will be MCT weekend. Swiss tried working out what MCT stood for, and the best he managed in his dyslexic state was Maths times tables. Unfortunately for Swiss, he does suffer from Dyslexia from time to time, but following extensive research and medical examination it has been blamed on drinking too much beer. In all fairness to the doctor that suggested he lay off the alcohol consumption, or at least try and keep it within single figures, he had a job to do and was trying his best. When they manage to remove the stethoscope from his backside and he returns to work, I am sure things will blow over and Swiss will be let off bail.

Anyway, the shocking news is that in the instructions for the MCT test, (can you call it a multiple choice test test?) it says that answers are given by drawing a line through the answer by pencil. Bit like selecting National Lottery numbers really.

Following on from the previous post about global warming and killing polar bears, Swiss thinks he is now suffering from lead poisoning. he has been sucking the end of pencil in concentration so much (it hasn't helped) that his tongue has gone blue and his eyes are bulging.

As if the looming weekend wasn't certain to be a disaster all on its own by virtue of the fact that Swiss can't answer a single bloody question anyway, the poisoning is having some pretty calamatous consequences. And to make matters even worser than what they were, Swiss has been banned from the local hospital, and therefore is unable to get his lead poisoning diagnosed. If anyone knows the side effects of this illness, does it reveal itself by uncontrollable wind?

It may just be Swiss's natural state (although in all honesty there isn't much thats natural about his wind), being shut in an exam room for hour after hour of pencil licking concentration, with no windows open and the uncontrollable farting, it seems likely that something will have to give. Last time this happened, the smog that was hanging over the room was described as being like a right pea souper.Therefore, Swiss IS shocked. He is running the risk of being banned from CofL too, of not being able to answer any questions, or collapsing through lead poisoning and if his eyes bulge any further they will pop out, which judging by what happened last time he did that to impress Amanda (her with the fluffy pencil case and all), all hell will break loose this weekend.

Swiss hasn't even got to the exam, and its not looking good already.


Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Carbon emissions

Swiss is shocked.

When he travels by train, which is quite a bit actually because its good for reading and revising, and listening to other peoples conversations, he always checks on the Railway Companies website for times. He knows that if he runs like a looney he can get to the platform from his house in 5 minutes. If he runs normally it is only 2 minutes, but seeing as he walks like a looney, writes like one and speaks like one, running like one seems to follow the general theme.

Anyway, checking the times this very morning, and he noticed a button for Carbon Emissions. WTF?

Although Swiss thought the idiocy and stupidity of global warming had died a death, it hasn't yet. The snow outside is all part of it and its definitely warming up outside. Its almost Mediteranian.

It appears that if he drives to his destination which is the other side of a polluted smoke filled dirty city, he will use 15.7Kg of carbon. If he goes by train, changes to the tube, and gets a further train, he will only use 3.5Kg. If he goes by coach it will only be 1.5Kg.

It begs the question again, WTF?

So Swisses car, which the train company know nothing about is going to kill more Polar Bears than going by a dirty train? Hey, hang on, there is a further button to modify the settings according to the make and model of car. If he goes by Ferrarri it will be 5 Polar Bears, but by his snazzy zippy electric car it will be 2 seals and a penguin.

Having adjusted the settings for optimal performance/CO emissions and seeking negative carbon footprinting, Swiss is travelling by Boeing 747 and if any Polar Bears live between Swiss Towers and Watford Junction, sorry mate.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Shaggy Dog Story

Swiss is shocked.

Law, Courts, Judges, clients, people and the whole darn legal system has done his head in. He can't take it no more and is done with it all

Earlier today, while sitting in Court listening to both parties arguing a point, he was struck by a thought that knocked him sideways and has undermined his whole being.

Family Law may have a slightly dodgy reputation for farcical lunacy and idiotic people, but this really took the biscuit.

Mr and Mrs Smith have separated after a difficult relationship. If you have ever watched that programme on the tv 'Its me or the dog', this was no pretend for the camera, five minutes of fame time, this was real life drama, and unfortunately for Mr Smith, it was the dog that won the competition. The divorce was well under way.

Mr Smith wanted to call his dog Smithy. Mrs Smith, who's maiden name was Jones wanted to call it Jonesy. (Probably after that famous butcher on Dads Army)

Mr Smith had filed his Position Statement in good time, suggesting the name Smithy and backing up his pretty powerful argument with 20 darn fine points which would take some beating. Mr Smith looked confident, assured and cocky.

Mrs Smith had failed to provide her Statement until just before the hearing, a point which failed to win support from the Judge, Mr Woof. Her statement listed but two arguments, but to be fair to Mrs Smith, they were strong arguments and she was blonde and had a short skirt, so it was looking in her favour, and Mr Smith was fuming, obviously wishing he had worn a shorter skirt, and that Judge Woof would stop eyeing up his wife/ex-wife quite so much.

So the scene was set for the big showdown. Swiss sat at the back to watch proceedings, and lets be fair to Swiss, his professionalism had taken over and he was not being swayed by the short skirt or general blondness of young Mrs Smith. (Oh yeah!)

So it was proposed that the dog be called Smithy. It was proposed that it was called Jonesy. The Judge was clearly struggling to think this one through. It was clear that the arguments weighed heavily on his mind. He suggested a compromise. Neither party was prepared to budge. Gunfight at the OK Coral.

The Judge suggested Sminsy. No, rejected.

He suggested Jonithy. Rejected.

The 30 minute hearing stretched into eternity. Four bloody hours! Four bloody hours for arguments to be batted backwards and forwards like a game of tennis. All compromises rejected. All of the Learned Judges suggestions rejected. Neither party was going to back down.

Finally, the Judge said he will pass Judgment. Listen in people, because Judge Woof is about to make a decision.

The dog will henceforth be known as Winston.
Thats settled then, but Swiss has decided that law is not the exciting and interesting job he thought. He is dissapointed that all those years of studying, attending classes, doing homework and writing stuff and nonsense has come to this. Shocking, thats what it is, shocking.

Swiss is settling for his mobile shoe shine business and law can go and take a hike. There has to be more to life that this rubbish.