Monday, 24 May 2010

Suits you sir!

Swiss is shocked.

He was due to spend an evening in fine surroundings and amongst the brightest people in the land (No, it wasn't another one of Law Minx's Tupperware parties) and to his shock and horror, he found that his suit was just not up to scratch, and some desperate action was necessary to avert public humiliation and embarrassment.

However he tried, and whichever angle he peeked through his fingers at the mirror, this suit was past its best. Only one thing for it decided Swiss, a new suit was needed.

So off to the shops with a crisp five pound note in his hand ready to find something suitable. He arrived at the shop from whence he was certain that a purchase would not only be smart, but also would last long enough to see him through any pupillage interview that in this mixed up crazy world he may be offered.

So a suitable suit was selected, something that looked appropriately Barristerish, very dark with wide pinstripes and braces, topped off with a bow tie, and so Swiss approached the changing rooms.

He slid into the cubicle, changed into the suit, and decided to go out front to check his dashing good looks and magnificence in the mirror. Ah, join the queue apparently. So behind 4 men, looking slightly silly in smart suits, a T-shirt underneath and no shoes on. Shuffle forward and admire himself in the mirror.

At this point, Mother Swiss who was accompanying young Swiss to the shops piped up, 'You look a right tit Swiss me old mucker' Swiss felt a little embarrassed, and wondered why he wasn't being accompanied by a tasty blonde in a mini skirt like the bloke behind him in the queue. Swiss smiled at the blonde and pretended that Mother Swiss was with someone else. Unfortunately, Mother Swiss leant forward, grabbed the loose material around his backside and said 'Swiss, you look like you have shat yourself'

No pretending now, Swiss had to face up to the humiliation and find a way to redeem himself in front of the tasty blonde.

'I do believe that the trousers are a little on the large size young man, Swiss said to the shop assistant who was twittering all about it. Mother Swiss piped in again 'Swiss you twat, what size is the jacket'

Young man smiled at the further embarrassment and threw in 'Its a 38 large'

Swiss was shocked. Genuinely, how on earth did the young spotty youth know the size of his suit jacket. Thats incredible. Swiss turned to the youth, 'I say, thats rather clever of you, you must be highly experienced and expert at judging these thing sir'

'No, you have the label hanging out the back of the jacket'

Swiss was mortified. Young man went back to twittering, and Mother Swiss let out a fart and went off to look at other styles.

So the next time you see Swiss in a suit, you will understand why he looks like he has shat himself, why the jacket is too small, why the bow tie is red (to hide the embarasment) and why he has no shoes on.

To his credit though, he looks pretty darn smart, dashing, accomplished, and one of the in crowd. Some may say that a silver suit is a little OTT, but Swiss is convinced that he can set a new trend amongst the finest chambers that this fair land has to offer.

Nobody can say that Primark don't stock good suits nowadays. And the change out of the fiver came in handy for the bus fare home.

Unfortunately, and the sad ending to this tale, is that Bar Boy upon seeing him across Inner Temple Dining Hall called out for all to hear:

'You look a right tit Swiss me old mucker'

Swiss is shocked!