Tuesday, 29 September 2009

I Submit

When Swiss was a young lad, he often said 'I submit' Usually it was because his older brother was sitting on his face and farting, or had him pinned down and was kneeing him in the ribs. It was enough to make his eyes well up and scream for Mater.

No longer will Mater come and assist. (Swiss always admired the way she would throw a headlock on big brother and fart in his face to teach him to take a more refined approach to brotherly love)

Now Swiss is on his own with submissions, submitting and anything else that involves trying to swing the Judge round to his point of view.

So, last lesson, Swiss is making a submission. He is unsure if he is making the right point, unsure if he has the right client, a little unclear if he is even in the right class because all the other children appear to be looking at him in a strange way.

Something is not right, yet Swiss can't quite put his finger on it.

But Swiss knows he must soldier on. he ignores the little giggles, the looks, the girlies whispering to each other and sniggering. He soldiers on regardless.

The Judge is trying not to smile. What is it. What has Swiss done wrong. he is submitting his little heart out, and all he gets is giggles.

Swiss self conciously checks his flies. He checks his papers. He looks down to check he hasn't spilt anything down his shirt.

This is not nice.

What has he done?

At the end of the submission, the Judge congratulates him on his fine delivery, attention to detail and use of the appropriate law. The girlies are still giggling.

He checks his flies again.


Damn the new milk monitor at College of Law.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

New News, Old News, Crap News

Last night, despite being a really tired lad, and desperate to go to bed and close his eyes, Swiss wanted to watch the news. There was a clip of a Victor Bomber taking off accidentally with the question 'What did the pilot do when his plane took off by accident?' Swiss thought, Hmm, what did he do?

So he endured the news. Blimey, ENDURED the news. What a complete and utter tabloid crappy pathetic waste of time that was.

The BMA want to ban just about everything and anything to do with alcohol. 'We will be speaking to a mother who's 24 year old son died of alcohol poisoning'

Ah thinks Swiss, good objective journalism then. Nice balanced view. Fair debate then.

Apparently, he was on a six pack of Stella at 13, and moved on to Vodka and then Cider, before falling off the bar to his death. Linking the story to how banning promotion of alcohol would stop all this. The mother wants all kids to see how awful it is.


Isn't it illegal for 13 year olds to be downing Stella? Shouldn't the existing law, which admittedly makes sense to ban kids from drinking, just be, well, sort of, enforced?

At least it wasn't the mothers fault. (No mention of the father, but there rarely is nowadays. Probably left her because she kept nipping down the 'offie to get her son another 6 pack of lager) But its never her fault is it. Always blame someone else. Her own son dead, drunk as a skunk for half his life, unable to function without a shot of vodka with a whisky chaser every ten minutes, but its all those adverts what done him in. Was it the Hofmeister dancing bear, or the Leonard Rossiter Cinzano advert what caught him by their evil ways? We can't tell which, so ban then all.

Swiss is sick and tired of this crap.

If ever there was a time to not buy a pub, its now.

One of the things necessary for a good pupillage interview is a grasp of current affairs. Well, stop watching the ten o'clock news then if news is what you want, because the last thing you will ever see on there is actual news. What a crock of shite they are.

Right, Swiss is moving back to Switzerland to binge drink scnapps and eat Toblerones without any poncy BMA interference.

As for the plane, what did it do? It landed again. Humpfff. Swiss ENDURED 25 minutes of crap, AND the weather, (cloudy in the South) and the frigging plane took off and then landed. No spectaculer crash, no loop the loops, no nothing. Up, down. Bahhhhhgggggg.

Swiss is tired and grumpy today and no bloody wonder.

Friday, 4 September 2009

Rude awakening

Swiss has been kicking back and enjoying the school summer holiday. He knew that there was some homework, but being a persuasive and determined kind of guy, he was extremely successful in persuading himself that 'there is loads of time', I can do that later.


In the last few hours, he has realised his typically teenage mistake. Time is not always on your side, especially when it is most needed. The simple homework from year one is not necessarily the same as year two!


Swiss laid in the sun only the other day thinking about the MCT's that he had to do. (Multiple Choice Tests) Oh how easy they are. 4 answers, ABC or D, and only one of them even remotely likely. The last MCT that Swiss did was to do with Health and Safety on a Building Site. (Long story) Typical question:

You are walking across the site, and notice a Polish electrician drilling a hole in a wall. It is raining and he is using an electric drill. Do you:

A - Run for shelter because its raining.
B - Lend him your drill because its faster.
C - Offer him a cup of tea.
D - Tell him to stop because the rain will short circuit the drill and cause an electric shock.

Admittedly, Swiss failed the test, due mainly to his pride in his new Black and Decker Power Blaster Twin Speed Hammer Drill, and he picked B!

But MCT's are simple aren't they?

As he laid in the sun, he pondered the mock MCT he had done last term at CofL. Not to imply that they are really really simple, but here was a typical question:

See the picture of the fire engine. Choose a colour from your crayons and colour it in. Match the colour to the coloured boxes below and choose the one that you think closely matches the big RED fire engine. If your RED crayon is broken, put your hand up and ask the teacher for a new RED crayon.

A - Red
B - Green
C - Blue
D - Yellow

But, something has gone badly wrong with Swiss's plans. Either CofL have been making iot all seem too easy, or he has been given an MCT test from BPP.


Each question starts off with a full page story about some scumbag drug dealing villian that has burgled, stolen, escaped, been chased, caught, charged and is facing trial. Swiss has an hour to do the test, but each goddamn story takes twenty minutes to read and understand.

The question is then something horribly complicated relating to some practice direction, law, rule, or procedure.

The four options are each ten paragraphs long. It takes five minutes to read each answer. It then takes a further five minutes to spot the difference between each one.


After 12 hours of studious contemplation, Swiss has decided that he has two choices. Either tick all the boxes with A, B, C, D alternating through, and making quite a snazzy pattern on the marking sheet, or complain that his paper must be wrong because it came from BPP.