Sunday, 17 January 2010

Swiss meets King Edward

Swiss is shocked.

Assessment time is here, and what a laugh it all is. No, seriously, Swiss is still laughing.

Colouring in has been done. Swiss did it yesterday. It wasn't as bad as he feared, and to be honest, not going over the edges isn't that difficult if you concentrate. The trouble with concentrating is that you tend to poke your tongue out a bit, and look silly, but hey, look around the room and see 50 others all with their tongues sticking out.

The paper was interesting, but Swiss did learn that before committing crayon to paper, you need to give the exercise some thought, sit back, hands behind head, lift a cheek and fart, scratch your ear, ask to go to the toilet, and then make a start. Starting too soon doesn't leave enough time for the whole problem to sink in which makes it hard to change tack part way through. An event which Swiss miraculously avoided when his colouring in was adapted half way through to create a starship out of a bus.

Always keep an eye on the time, because Swiss nearly didn't finish, but being highly skilled and dedicated to the task, he finished with a flourish with seconds to spare. Next time, he has been asked to not shoute YEEEEEESSSSSS at the top of his voice as he does the flourish. It woke teacher up and frightened the Bejesus out of the rest of the class.

Today, was potato stamping. This is trickier than you imagine, and however much planning is put in, unless you really concentrate it is easy to lose track of time and not grab those easy final marks for finishing on time. Paired off, Amanda got to stamp her potatos into poster paint and make a picture for ten minutes. Swiss then had twelve minutes to change the picture and make his impression, and then Amanda had two minutes to try and rescue her picture. Swiss put up quite an impressive attempt, but to be fair to Amanda, she had a ponytail and a pink fluffy pencilcase and Swiss was understandably distracted.

The difference between CofL and BPP is, as Swiss understand it, that CofL uses the superior quality King Edward potato for its stamping. BPP goes for some inferior foreign potato, and CLS uses instant mash. Choosing the right college can pay dividends if done correctly.

All in all, a nice start to the assessment season. It was fun, exciting, and funny. Especially when Duncan wet himself, Gordon fell off his seat, and Judith screamed when a spider escaped from Martins safekeeping. Swiss is still laughing. The results are out sometime, but Swiss is feeling OK(ish) about it all so far.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Surly not!

Swizz is shocked.

Yesterday, while wandering around a County Court with his mobile shoe shine business, he wandered through the Youth Court section. Blimey O'Reilly, what an eye opener.

Sitting slouched low in the seats were four youths. Scallywags the lot of them. Two lads and 2 girls.

Surly is simply not enough to describe the little toe rags. Insolent, cocky, rude, impolite and thoroughly unpleasant individuals, the lot of them.

None of them could talk. They grunted and sneered, but words were simply not in their vocabulary, if that makes sense!

One of them was being asked to turn off the rap music he was playing on his mobile. He grunted, the other three laughed, they all grunted at each other and he turned the music up.

Putting aside the fact that they must all have committed a crime, all been arrested, all about to go in front of a Magistrate and be told off and told to be good little children, they clearly did not give a shit about it. It was all just a laugh and I am afraid that Swiss saw red.

Clearly, they felt that being in Court was a distraction from sitting at home watching Jeremy Kyle, but as they would be recording the show on the DVD's they had nicked it was but a minor inconveneince to them. Getting up earlier than normal was probably the greatest inconvenience.

They needed a damn good slapping with a house brick. Swiss can't do anything in the Youth Courts now. Having seen the type of client, he would be done for assault and battery within the first day of being there.

Fortunately, as they were all wearing trainers there was no work to be had cleaning shoes, so Swiss moved on to the grown up waiting room. It has to be said that the clientele wasn't a great deal better there, but at least there was an overall look of misery on their faces, so it is fair to assume that at least some of them had thoughts of regret at being in Court.

Yoof, don't you just hate em?