Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Swiss is Shocked

Swiss is shocked

Look what he has just found in his Spam folder.

If there is one good thing to be said about Yahoo, it certainly recognises crap when it sees it:

Following many months of research and visiting thousands of law blogs from around the world, the team at Solicitorsblog.com have now identified what we deem to be the best law blogs on the internet based upon quality, relevancy, content and reputation.

As we feel the content of your blog fits the high standard and quality solicitorsblog.com wishes to offer, we wish to formally invite you to become a valued contributor of the site for the benefit of the global legal community

The day that Swiss Tony starts to post anything that is relevant, has quality anywhere associated with it, or fits anybodies high standards, is the day that Bar Boy will start to wear long trousers.

It just not going to happen is it.

It begs the question, are all Solicitors the same, or is it just this bunch of chancers?

Bloody amateurs!

To be honest, Swiss can't even be bothered to be shocked anymore.


Thursday, 28 October 2010

Scholarship offer

Swiss is shocked.

So shocked in fact, that he can hardly contain himself.

Perusing T'internet, and more especially the very fine blog of Simon Myerson QC, he spotted something that gave him a wizard wheeze of an idea, which laid in Swisses emptyish head, became fueled by 5 pints of Doom Bar, (a real ale with Toffee overtones, although whilst Swiss thought that it might be like drinking a pint with a Curley Wurley in the bottom, after 5 pints all taste sensations had gone), but BINGO, the idea came to fruition.

SM QC had donated £300 to the Middle Temple(?) scholarship fund, and Swiss thought that he would do a similar thing, but create the Swiss Tony Scholarship for Mature Students.

Oh yes, what a wheeze.

Incidentally, last week, although hell hadn't frozen over, and no piggies had been seen flying anywhere, the impossible happened, Swiss was Called.

Ha ha, now its you thats shocked!

Anyway, Swiss listened intently at the ceremony as each person was called. The one in line in front of Swiss was called:

Tarquin Posonby, Bachelor of Law, Oxford University, Bachelor of Science, Cambridge, King Henry the Eighth Scholarship, Master of Law, Toronto University, Upper Class twat, Eton.

Then It was Swisses turn

Swiss Tony, GCSE Maths, (Grade C), Comprehensive School, Tufty Club member.

Swiss felt slightly flat.

Whilst being presented with a certificate, which to be honest was a cut above the CofL offering, and is now proudly hanging in the downstairs toilet at Swiss Towers, HRH Princess Anne winked at Swiss, raised an eyebrow and said 'Alright Swiss, howzit going?'

Swiss was a little puzzled because from what he saw throughout the ceremony, he was the only person that HRH high fived.


Following on from the scholarship idea, Swiss made enquiries, checked with the bank, made the funds available, composed a certificate for the winner of the scholarship, (And the lucky winner will be the proud owner of a REAL certificate with glitter and everything), and put the call through to the Treasurer of Inner Temple with his once in a life time offer of the scholarship fund.

Swiss is shocked.

Where did the Treasurer learn such words?

OK, so calling out Felicity Parker-Smythe, Swiss Tony Scholarship for old fags, each year might be a bit of a mouthful, but wash your mouth out sir with soap and water, that kind of language is reserved for Mummy Swiss when she has had too much to drink.

Swiss is shocked.

If anyone fancies applying for the fund, which is guaranteed to be a life changing scholarship of £25 (things are a bit tight at the moment), all enquiries via this blog.

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

The crayons have come back to bite Swiss in the arse

Swiss is shocked.

Having spent two years at CofL attending regularly at weekends to do crayoning, papermache models and basket weaving, playing in the sandpit and graduating to potato painting and even felt pens, it has finally dawned on Swiss what it was all about.

Throughout the course, the brightest and best students were whisked off to a special room in the deepest darkest recess of CofL to do 'Special work' Swiss obviously never was selected, but the rumour was that they were playing with a John Bull printing set. Swiss feels all nostalgic and excited just typing those words!

Having passed the course, well, scrapped through, but who cares, its done, Postman Pat delivers a fine A4 envelope, with DO NOT BEND across it, and a CofL frank.

Wow, this is exciting.

Swiss gingerly opens the envelope, withdraws the content, and stands back in amazement.

Swiss is shocked.

In his hands, shaking with excitement is a certificate for passing the course. Confirmation that he is a Barrister (well, in 3 weeks time he will be) and that he is a thoroughly good egg all round.

Swiss is shocked.

Did a first year student make the certificate with the John Bull printing set? Its the most useless and uninspiring certificate Swiss has ever seen.Swiss has spent his life achieving the impossible and collecting certificates to prove his worth. All lined up on his wall, ranging from his 25metre swimming certificate, his cycling proficiency, and pride of place, his membership of the Tufty club all look a darn sight more impressive than this shoddy piece of work.

Swiss can only hope that when he is Called next month, that they present him with some form of super dooper certificate to make amends for the pile of pooh that CofL think justifies passing the course. He is thinking a bit of gold leaf, a ribbon, copperplate script and a badge.

Hang your heads CofL. Its not good enough.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

The Annual Blog Conference 2010

Swiss is shocked.

Once again, the top bloggers across the globe have met to discuss the future of blogging, how to assist law students by providing better and more informative posts, how to solve global poverty, and the price of crisps. And not one of them told Swiss they were meeting.

At the Presidential Suite at Inner Temple, last Monday at 7pm, the conference kicked off with a champagne reception, with nibbles, and the participants were led into the dining room promptly at 8.00 to the sound of a big gong thing.

It was generally accepted that the dinner conversation was in the main polite and dignified, although Law Minx was seen to stand up and shout 'Whats this bloody microwave jacket potato all about then?' as she threw it with a remarkably skilful spinball that anyone in the Pakistan Cricket team would have been proud of, directly at the Head Chef, knocking his chefs hat off and into the soup course.

The second course of carrot and parsley soup was canceled, not just because of the chefs hat, but also because Barmaid had coaxed Hercules, her pride and joy of a full 25 hands and plated mane, to carry her in a rendition of Lady Godiva to the inner sanctum of Inner, where he promptly ate all the carrots. Parsley soup is naff, and so the meal proceeded to the main course of Beef Wellington.

Barboy, (why does he insist on wearing short trousers to these functions) cried at this point because everyone laughed when he asked for his meat to be cut up into smaller pieces.

Andropov, who admittedly by this stage was worse the wear for Vodka, tried to help out, as she is kind like that, but the knife slipped and cut one of Travis the Trouts pony tails off. Unfortunately it spoiled the look of her Princess Laie outfit, and only having one ponytail wrapped around an ear made her walk lopsided for the rest of the evening. She was OK turning left, but the toilets were in the wrong direction, and she was forced to walk all around the outside of the building in order to obtain relief.Michael, in a fit of laughing at Barboy, dropped his microphone which he had taken with him and seized the opportunity to interview the guest of honour, Mr Blobby. (The organisers have promised to not let Barboy book to guest next year)

Unilooney was seated between both girls that he has been dating, known as Stalin and Hitler. Both lookers in their own right, but the moustaches looked a bit out of place. Still, Unilooney was happy, and was seen to leave early in the direction of a local cheap hotel.

Pupilbean was deep in discussion with 50yearoldpupil, about the way the young people were being too loud, incontinence and pension rights. 50yearold had just returned from a SAGA coach trip to the Lake District, and later in the evening he professionally completed a slide presentation.

Following the meal, the conference commenced, with LegalyGinge chairing the meeting, with Barboy taking the minutes in crayon. (Yes, the ones he nicked from CofL)

Apologies were made for everyone that runs a proper blog who were too dignified to grace the event with their presence, and short video clip was played by Simon Myerson QC and Bar, who was in the middle of something important, but wished everyone well.

Attention turned to the Blog Awards, and a short introduction was made by Michael and Andropov (who by this time was even worse the wear for Vodka) and the nominations were read out.

It was at this stage, that Barboy explained that as it was past 8.30pm, he had to go home to bed as it was late, so no further minutes were taken and no further information is available, although interestingly, further documentary evidence has come into Swiss's possession by requesting disclosure from the Metropolitain Police, who broke up the ensuing fight which had spilled out into Fleet Street.

Apparently, LawMinx failed to retrieve her fur coat from the cloakroom, and was given a Barristers gown to wear. She was most upset because her fur coat was made out of the skins of 100 hedgehogs she had found at a farm near her house. It was known as Tiddeywinks Heddgehog Sanctuary, but how was she to know, as like a demon she collected them up in a sack for future use.

Hercules refused to allow BarMaid to stick her hand up his backside, again, and galloped across the Presidential Suite making for the door. Michael, being sensible and clever started to remark that she was too late trying to bolt the door after......, and BarMaid gave him a left hook.

Andropov jumped in with both feet first, catching Legally Ginge and Aimless Wanderer in a bear grip, which was only released when Andropov was thrown in the back of a Police van in handcuffs. All the newby Bloggers, of which some appeared, dissapeared, dont blog enough, and worry too much, looked on in amazement as LawMinx karate kicked Mr Blobby, falling to the floor in fits of giggles.

All were bailed the following morning, and are due to appear in Snaresbrook Magistrates Court next week.

It was accepted by all that this years conference was a roaring success, and plans are underway for next years event. Tickets available from Swiss for £450 a head. Cash only please, preferably in used notes.

Swiss is most upset, and yes, shocked, at being left out. He hates to miss seeing Barboy blubbing.

If anyone that deserves a mention hasn't been, Swiss will look into whats gone wrong. Mr Chang, you won't be getting any mention until you stop spamming my blog!

Thursday, 26 August 2010

A rebuttable Presumption

Swiss is shocked.

He has been to a class reunion. Yes, another one, although a lot more planning went into the first event, at which Swiss became as drunk as a Lord Chief Justice and just about made it home without throwing up on the train. This was a bigger affair, with no alcohol. Only 2 of the class couldn’t make it, and their reason was, because they were too clever to mix with the rest of the class. How so? Read on!

There is a legal term known as a Rebuttable Presumption, which to be honest means nothing to Swiss, but it was in the Civil Litigation revision notes which wussie Bar Boy sent and it is in the Civil Litigation Manual, so it must mean something important.

There is a point to this. As far as Swiss in concerned, there is a presumption that anyone that writes a law blog is clever. Looking back, inspired by the likes of Law Minx, Andropov and Michael, and then being blown over by BarMaid and BarBoy, young Swiss felt it best to keep quiet about the flaws in his cleverness, and pretend he was cruising with the clever players. Nobody questioned his abilities, and the presumption that all bloggers are clever clogs rubbed off a bit on Swiss, albeit in his own mind, and he walked with an air of superiority, he pretended he understood hearsay, and was even known to offer legal advice to friends and relatives when they got caught by the Rozzers.

Alas, there is a rebutable part to the presumption, which is where you can show that the presumption is just plain wrong. Finding that all of his relatives are now serving time having relied on Swiss's legal advice, and that the course finished on a bit of a bum note, Swiss wondered if he could maybe slip into a post, in passing, with a flourish and an air of indifference, that a VC was on the cards just like all the other bloggers have, when to be honest Swiss was way off that mark.

Swiss should have known.

Daddy Swiss always looked with pity and an element of distress at Swiss and said that he was as thick as two short planks.

Mummy Swiss, being more eloquent, and knowing far more words than Daddy Swiss could ever hope to, said he was as thick as shit.

What is it with Civil Litigation then? What is it with the MCT's that is just plain unfair, horrible and utterly wrong? Multiple Choice Tests where none of the 4 suggested answers are right. Where sometimes all 4 answers were right. But you only have to pick ONE correct answer. What evil and nasty person thought up MCT's?

On the bright side, and Swiss tends to look for the bright side in all he does, BarMaid was her usual helpful and encouraging self. She managed to keep her patience when explaining for the 20th time that just because the Small Claims Court is called small it doesn't mean its a tiny building, and just because Bar Boy is a wuss it doesn't mean his revision notes are any the less effective. He very carefully had condensed the Civil Litigation manual, some 380 pages worth, compressed, squeezed out the fluff, kept the quality parts, explained and highlighted only what was important into 500 pages worth. It still meant nothing to Swiss, but it propped up his chair with the broken leg, and still does.

Bar Boys notes should be turned into a book. (Swiss almost wishes he had made his own notes but he was too busy partying and pretending he was clever) The Dummies Guide to Civil Litigation would be a winner.

CofL just held the resits. Swiss looks upon them not as a failure of prospective candidates for the Bar, but he realised that they were in reality a class reunion. 90% of the class turned up. High fives all round, cheers and exclamations of delight as we all appeared. Smiles all round, as Lord Hipwell would say. Party time. CofL had to hire the Albert Hall as they didn't have enough seats for all the resitting candidates. Thousands of students coming out of the woodwork, this years dummies, last years dummies, even some from BPP that just can’t cope with their higher demands. CofL doesn't insist on joined up writing.

And do you think that they would make a resit easier than the first time round, to assist people a bit, to get the thicko's through? Nah, bastards. Still vague questions with no answers that match.

The moral of the story, if you write a blog, you can pretend to be clever, but you will get caught out in the end. Swiss has been revealed in all his stupidity, but as his dear old mother would say ‘Who gives a shit’

Monday, 5 July 2010

Swizzle Sticks

Swiss is shocked.

Only a couple of days ago, Swiss was guest of honour at a class reunion with his bestest friends from the BVC. Admittedly he had pleaded and cajoled them to turn up so it wasn't as much guest of honour as being allowed to mix with the clever people, and sitting outside the pub on a warm July evening all on his lonesome, he felt that they had let him down, until one by one they all arrived and sat before Swiss and marveled at his exploits and hung on his every word.

The merry group laughed, reminisced and laid out their plans for the future. Swiss had a little problem though, which seemed to magnify itself as the evening wore on. Much as Swiss likes a pint in convivial company, he isn't used to downing 6 pints of 'Tail Shaker', and his words became more slurred as the evening wore on.

It came to the point where Swiss was unable to think clearly, and so in a rash moment, totally unexpectedly he announced to cheers and whoops of delight that he was in fact SWISS TONY.

Swiss was shocked.

The cheers and whoops were all in his head, fuddled by alcohol of a greater strength than he was used to, because truth be known he might just as well announced that he had a blister on his left foot. Lead balloons don't go down much faster than the announcement.

Swiss was shocked to discover, that of the most learned and cleverest people he knew, none of them had been following his exploits. None of them had picked up his tips for passing the BVC, none of them had even heard of him before. Have they never seen the statue erected at CofLaw in his honour? Have they not been entered for the Swiss Tony Scholarship? Had they not eyed the Swiss Tony Advocacy prize with envy?

Oh the shame.

Swiss truly is shocked.

Monday, 24 May 2010

Suits you sir!

Swiss is shocked.

He was due to spend an evening in fine surroundings and amongst the brightest people in the land (No, it wasn't another one of Law Minx's Tupperware parties) and to his shock and horror, he found that his suit was just not up to scratch, and some desperate action was necessary to avert public humiliation and embarrassment.

However he tried, and whichever angle he peeked through his fingers at the mirror, this suit was past its best. Only one thing for it decided Swiss, a new suit was needed.

So off to the shops with a crisp five pound note in his hand ready to find something suitable. He arrived at the shop from whence he was certain that a purchase would not only be smart, but also would last long enough to see him through any pupillage interview that in this mixed up crazy world he may be offered.

So a suitable suit was selected, something that looked appropriately Barristerish, very dark with wide pinstripes and braces, topped off with a bow tie, and so Swiss approached the changing rooms.

He slid into the cubicle, changed into the suit, and decided to go out front to check his dashing good looks and magnificence in the mirror. Ah, join the queue apparently. So behind 4 men, looking slightly silly in smart suits, a T-shirt underneath and no shoes on. Shuffle forward and admire himself in the mirror.

At this point, Mother Swiss who was accompanying young Swiss to the shops piped up, 'You look a right tit Swiss me old mucker' Swiss felt a little embarrassed, and wondered why he wasn't being accompanied by a tasty blonde in a mini skirt like the bloke behind him in the queue. Swiss smiled at the blonde and pretended that Mother Swiss was with someone else. Unfortunately, Mother Swiss leant forward, grabbed the loose material around his backside and said 'Swiss, you look like you have shat yourself'

No pretending now, Swiss had to face up to the humiliation and find a way to redeem himself in front of the tasty blonde.

'I do believe that the trousers are a little on the large size young man, Swiss said to the shop assistant who was twittering all about it. Mother Swiss piped in again 'Swiss you twat, what size is the jacket'

Young man smiled at the further embarrassment and threw in 'Its a 38 large'

Swiss was shocked. Genuinely, how on earth did the young spotty youth know the size of his suit jacket. Thats incredible. Swiss turned to the youth, 'I say, thats rather clever of you, you must be highly experienced and expert at judging these thing sir'

'No, you have the label hanging out the back of the jacket'

Swiss was mortified. Young man went back to twittering, and Mother Swiss let out a fart and went off to look at other styles.

So the next time you see Swiss in a suit, you will understand why he looks like he has shat himself, why the jacket is too small, why the bow tie is red (to hide the embarasment) and why he has no shoes on.

To his credit though, he looks pretty darn smart, dashing, accomplished, and one of the in crowd. Some may say that a silver suit is a little OTT, but Swiss is convinced that he can set a new trend amongst the finest chambers that this fair land has to offer.

Nobody can say that Primark don't stock good suits nowadays. And the change out of the fiver came in handy for the bus fare home.

Unfortunately, and the sad ending to this tale, is that Bar Boy upon seeing him across Inner Temple Dining Hall called out for all to hear:

'You look a right tit Swiss me old mucker'

Swiss is shocked!

Thursday, 22 April 2010

The dishonest Chambers

Swiss is shocked.

Yes, he really is. He is shocked to the core.

As a child, dreaming of a rosy future when he would make something of his life, drag himself out of the Council estate, work hard at remedial school, really push himself, he always felt that he could reach heights never before seen, or believed, by the Swiss household.

He trusted his ability to count up to ten without moving his mouth, to colour in pictures without sticking his tongue out, to say the alphabet without getting stuck on M, N, O, P like his older brother still does.

Having passed a spelling test one Monday morning in Junior school, he realised that if he set his mind to it, if he studied and worked hard, he could achieve anything in life. The world would be his oyster, and he could really fly high.

He will be the first to admit that it hasn't been easy, and there have been many pitfalls along the way. Not least of which was his realisation that he was, despite his good intentions, a lazy bugger that generally couldn't be arsed to do any homework or listen in class.

Through the struggles, the determination, the constant encouragement from Daddy Swiss, who was convinced that if he could push himself and perform well at school he could become a roadsweeper, Mummy Swiss who thought that there must have been a mix up in the hospital and she brought the wrong baby home, because never before had anyone in the Swiss family been able to do a tie, despite all of that, Swiss marched on with a determination and steadfastness that amazed all who witnessed it.

And fast forward too many years to think about, and Swiss is close to the pinnacle of achievement. Never before has this been imagined. Statues of Swiss have been erected by his school, in a bid to encourage others to work hard, he has been featured in the local press, and on the tv, (Embarrassing bodies), he has slogged his little heart out, worked damn hard, tried, tried, and tried again, resat all of his GCSE's in a bid to pass, nothing stood in his way, because Swiss had a dream.

To be a Barrister.

Someone that was honest, reliable, intelligent, respected and trusted. People laughed at him, they scoffed and ridiculed him, but against the odds, Swiss won through.

And then it has all come crashing down. The dream is shattered. Swiss's faith in the system has been shot to pieces. He is a broken man and thoughts of anger and frustration are coursing through his body.

Encouraged and persuaded by CofL's careers service who were hoping that Swiss would succeed so they could erect a statue of him to inspire others, and by Minx who told him he owed it to the Western World to try, he filled in the Pupillage Portal. He saw that an additional question was being asked by a set of Chambers he was keen to join. 500 words on something he would change about the law.

In a bid to discover more about what they were looking for, he took a trip to London to look at their front door. He had seen important people coming and going, he had followed them to try and learn about their movements, (He should have realised that the guy with DHL on the back of his jacket was not a good choice to follow, to Liverpool!), he phoned up on the pretext of being interested in using them just to hear their voices, to gain an edge, he rooted through their bins to learn their likes and dislikes. It would be fair to say he studied this set of chambers with meticulous precision. he knew them inside out.

He wrote 500 words. He agonised over every single word. The meaning, how the sentence went together. How it flowed. How it looked. He was in top form and submitted his 500 word work of art.

It was rejected as having too many words.

He shuffled a few bits together. Still rejected. he repleaced, 'I reckon it is like that in it' to 'Because' in order to reduce the word count. Still rejected.


Eventually, 472 words was accepted! Can you believe that. What a lack of honesty. Surely thats fraud? Bad form? Utter, utter, nonsense.

Can they not count? Do they move their mouths when they count? Is Microsoft Office not able to count?

Its a mystery at the moment, but Swiss will get to the bottom of it, and will not let this rest. he will take this further.

Once he has finished this weeks round with his mobile shoe shine business he will write a letter (OF MORE THAN 500 WORDS) to someone. He just has to work out who to. But in the meantime.....

Swiss is shocked.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Time waits for no man

Swiss is shocked.

No really, he is. he heard words spoken to a Judge that he never thought he would ever hear.

Swiss, being an amenable chap with good intentions coursing through his veins was asked to go to Court with a friend of a friend who we shall call Dave, who was owed some dosh, having lent some to a work colleague, Derek, in 2002. The money was due to be returned in full by 2004, and when requested by Dave, who seemed a decent enough bloke, Derek told him to *&£% OFF. At this point, Derek seems like a twat and Dave is a good guy, and thats how the story unfolds.

Dave resigns himself to never getting his £3000 back, and time was a healer, and in the end it seemed like too much trouble to bother with.

Time moves on.

In 2010, Derek bumped into Dave, who asked if the money would ever be forthcoming. Derek not only repeated the previous comment, but threw in a few threats.

Dave became a tad irritated at this naughty behaviour, so made an application to the Court for the return of his £3000 plus interest. Fortunately, there was a written agreement concerning the loan, in which the amount, mention of interest and a pay back date were the only terms.

Derek made a counterclaim which amounted to £3,500 for some reason which however you read the words did not make sense. Something about being let down, spending money trying to find Dave to give him the money, and general expenses incurred as a result of the item purchased with the loan being stolen. Little Derek felt that he shouldn't have had to suffer the loss.

Dave and Swiss turn up at Court and in walks Derek, who you could tell was a cocky bastard that needed to be taught a lesson, and Swiss was the man to do it.

The Judge opened up with the agreement and Derek admitted the loan, admitted that he owed the money and waved a cheque for £3000. Then Derek asked for one in return for £3,500. The Judge then, in Swiss's opinion, spent too much time discussing the theft of the item, the steps taken to find Dave and exploring the Counterclaim. As far as Swiss was concerned, it was irrelevant.

Eventually, with Derek interrupting every 2 minutes, talking the Judge down, and glaring quite a bit, the Judge decided that she had heard enough and would pass Judgment. And then the words were spoken. Swiss was shocked. The Judge was flustered. The Court room was silent and all eyes were on the Judge to see what she would do. (OK, so there were only 3 of us in there, but you could have heard a pin drop) The words? Well.....

'Can you get a move on, I wanna get back to work'


The Judge began to give Judgment which basically revolved around the written agreement, money was owed, interest accrued, and if anything else had been important to the parties it would have been written down. As nothing else was, the agreement was the deciding factor.

Derek let out a HUUUUGE sigh, looked at his watch, wriggled in his seat and said.....

'Come on for God sake, I have got a job to get back to'

Pindrop time again.

Judge decided that the £3000 was due and had to be paid. Derek threw the cheque across the Court and stood up. The Judge said, AND NOW IF YOU WILL SIT DOWN WE CAN WORK OUT THE INTEREST YOU NEED TO PAY.'

'Oh for God's sake, can you hurry up'

Have you ever sat in class with a calculator in hand trying to work out the interest rate over a period of time, without a great deal of success? Well Swiss has done it in Court! So has the Judge! While Derek huffed and puffed, Swiss and the Judge were finding ever more ingenious methods of working out how many days there had been in the last 8 years, leap years, bank holidays and dirty weekends in Hastings, until eventually a figure was agreed upon, despite the huffing and puffing of Derek, and the Judge pronounced the interest that had accrued.


Derek wrote out another cheque amidst scenes of dramatic arm flailing, pen writing, huffing, flourishing cheque book, ripping cheque out quite dramatically, and then launching it in the general direction of Dave.

Lessons learned that day.

1. The Limitation Act works. 6 years worth of interest is handy.
2. Judges don't like to be hassled.
3. If the hearing is listed for 3 hours, be prepared for 3 hours.
4. Be polite and courteous to Judges.
5. If you are owed money, use the Courts.
6. If you lend money, get a written agreement.
7. If someone is in a rush, you can create delay by punching a calculator and giving the Judge a different figure to the one they have worked out, resulting in a 'Lets start again shall we' comment.
7. Swiss is a bloody good bloke, despite his inability to use a calculator.
8. If you owe money, pay it back.

From a £3000 loan, Dave secured payment of £6200. Not bad for an hour in Court.

Swiss was shocked, really he was.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Crime and punishment

Swiss is shocked

Only today, whilst touring a local Court with his mobile shoe shine business (Franchises available), he was kicking back and just looking about.

The above photo was taken on the steps of the Court. It was todays misfits and miscreants dragging themsleves out of bed to face truth, justice and to repay society for their misdeeds. You can see they are dressed to impress the Court, they are humble, embarrassed and nervous. They clearly don't want to be there, and regret whatever it was they did.

Fat bloke next to Swiss, talking to 'is missis, commented 'This is the first time I have been in Court and not seen none of my mates about' Is this really what the country has come to. Why can't we bring back the birch and sort these wasters out once and for all. Beat any thoughts of criminal behaviour out of them rather than treat them with kid gloves. How may times has that toe rag been in Court, how many of his mates have been in Court, and why is he back for more. Give him a kicking, and then shoot him. That will stop whatever it is he is up to.

Rather attractive blonde (you know Swiss is a sucker for blondes) walked nervously up to reception and says she is there for a declaration for something. She was posh, well dressed, nervous and a little scared. Reception guy says 'Oh don't worry, go over there, sign a form and you can go, nothing to worry about. Bloody hell, talk about make it all easy for them. Swiss would have bigged it up a bit, put the shits up her, and seen her crying before letting her go and sign the form.

Swiss was in a Court in a fairly affluent area of the country, but the customers were all pretty much trashy, dirty, smelly oiks. Funnily enough, one of the trashy, dirty and smelly oiks happened to be a Court Clerk, so maybe the area wasn't as affluent as he thought!

Swiss is shocked. Really, he is.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Lead poisoning

Swiss is shocked.

He has been busily revising for the forthcoming funny weekend ahead, which CofL has decreed will be MCT weekend. Swiss tried working out what MCT stood for, and the best he managed in his dyslexic state was Maths times tables. Unfortunately for Swiss, he does suffer from Dyslexia from time to time, but following extensive research and medical examination it has been blamed on drinking too much beer. In all fairness to the doctor that suggested he lay off the alcohol consumption, or at least try and keep it within single figures, he had a job to do and was trying his best. When they manage to remove the stethoscope from his backside and he returns to work, I am sure things will blow over and Swiss will be let off bail.

Anyway, the shocking news is that in the instructions for the MCT test, (can you call it a multiple choice test test?) it says that answers are given by drawing a line through the answer by pencil. Bit like selecting National Lottery numbers really.

Following on from the previous post about global warming and killing polar bears, Swiss thinks he is now suffering from lead poisoning. he has been sucking the end of pencil in concentration so much (it hasn't helped) that his tongue has gone blue and his eyes are bulging.

As if the looming weekend wasn't certain to be a disaster all on its own by virtue of the fact that Swiss can't answer a single bloody question anyway, the poisoning is having some pretty calamatous consequences. And to make matters even worser than what they were, Swiss has been banned from the local hospital, and therefore is unable to get his lead poisoning diagnosed. If anyone knows the side effects of this illness, does it reveal itself by uncontrollable wind?

It may just be Swiss's natural state (although in all honesty there isn't much thats natural about his wind), being shut in an exam room for hour after hour of pencil licking concentration, with no windows open and the uncontrollable farting, it seems likely that something will have to give. Last time this happened, the smog that was hanging over the room was described as being like a right pea souper.Therefore, Swiss IS shocked. He is running the risk of being banned from CofL too, of not being able to answer any questions, or collapsing through lead poisoning and if his eyes bulge any further they will pop out, which judging by what happened last time he did that to impress Amanda (her with the fluffy pencil case and all), all hell will break loose this weekend.

Swiss hasn't even got to the exam, and its not looking good already.


Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Carbon emissions

Swiss is shocked.

When he travels by train, which is quite a bit actually because its good for reading and revising, and listening to other peoples conversations, he always checks on the Railway Companies website for times. He knows that if he runs like a looney he can get to the platform from his house in 5 minutes. If he runs normally it is only 2 minutes, but seeing as he walks like a looney, writes like one and speaks like one, running like one seems to follow the general theme.

Anyway, checking the times this very morning, and he noticed a button for Carbon Emissions. WTF?

Although Swiss thought the idiocy and stupidity of global warming had died a death, it hasn't yet. The snow outside is all part of it and its definitely warming up outside. Its almost Mediteranian.

It appears that if he drives to his destination which is the other side of a polluted smoke filled dirty city, he will use 15.7Kg of carbon. If he goes by train, changes to the tube, and gets a further train, he will only use 3.5Kg. If he goes by coach it will only be 1.5Kg.

It begs the question again, WTF?

So Swisses car, which the train company know nothing about is going to kill more Polar Bears than going by a dirty train? Hey, hang on, there is a further button to modify the settings according to the make and model of car. If he goes by Ferrarri it will be 5 Polar Bears, but by his snazzy zippy electric car it will be 2 seals and a penguin.

Having adjusted the settings for optimal performance/CO emissions and seeking negative carbon footprinting, Swiss is travelling by Boeing 747 and if any Polar Bears live between Swiss Towers and Watford Junction, sorry mate.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Shaggy Dog Story

Swiss is shocked.

Law, Courts, Judges, clients, people and the whole darn legal system has done his head in. He can't take it no more and is done with it all

Earlier today, while sitting in Court listening to both parties arguing a point, he was struck by a thought that knocked him sideways and has undermined his whole being.

Family Law may have a slightly dodgy reputation for farcical lunacy and idiotic people, but this really took the biscuit.

Mr and Mrs Smith have separated after a difficult relationship. If you have ever watched that programme on the tv 'Its me or the dog', this was no pretend for the camera, five minutes of fame time, this was real life drama, and unfortunately for Mr Smith, it was the dog that won the competition. The divorce was well under way.

Mr Smith wanted to call his dog Smithy. Mrs Smith, who's maiden name was Jones wanted to call it Jonesy. (Probably after that famous butcher on Dads Army)

Mr Smith had filed his Position Statement in good time, suggesting the name Smithy and backing up his pretty powerful argument with 20 darn fine points which would take some beating. Mr Smith looked confident, assured and cocky.

Mrs Smith had failed to provide her Statement until just before the hearing, a point which failed to win support from the Judge, Mr Woof. Her statement listed but two arguments, but to be fair to Mrs Smith, they were strong arguments and she was blonde and had a short skirt, so it was looking in her favour, and Mr Smith was fuming, obviously wishing he had worn a shorter skirt, and that Judge Woof would stop eyeing up his wife/ex-wife quite so much.

So the scene was set for the big showdown. Swiss sat at the back to watch proceedings, and lets be fair to Swiss, his professionalism had taken over and he was not being swayed by the short skirt or general blondness of young Mrs Smith. (Oh yeah!)

So it was proposed that the dog be called Smithy. It was proposed that it was called Jonesy. The Judge was clearly struggling to think this one through. It was clear that the arguments weighed heavily on his mind. He suggested a compromise. Neither party was prepared to budge. Gunfight at the OK Coral.

The Judge suggested Sminsy. No, rejected.

He suggested Jonithy. Rejected.

The 30 minute hearing stretched into eternity. Four bloody hours! Four bloody hours for arguments to be batted backwards and forwards like a game of tennis. All compromises rejected. All of the Learned Judges suggestions rejected. Neither party was going to back down.

Finally, the Judge said he will pass Judgment. Listen in people, because Judge Woof is about to make a decision.

The dog will henceforth be known as Winston.
Thats settled then, but Swiss has decided that law is not the exciting and interesting job he thought. He is dissapointed that all those years of studying, attending classes, doing homework and writing stuff and nonsense has come to this. Shocking, thats what it is, shocking.

Swiss is settling for his mobile shoe shine business and law can go and take a hike. There has to be more to life that this rubbish.


Sunday, 17 January 2010

Swiss meets King Edward

Swiss is shocked.

Assessment time is here, and what a laugh it all is. No, seriously, Swiss is still laughing.

Colouring in has been done. Swiss did it yesterday. It wasn't as bad as he feared, and to be honest, not going over the edges isn't that difficult if you concentrate. The trouble with concentrating is that you tend to poke your tongue out a bit, and look silly, but hey, look around the room and see 50 others all with their tongues sticking out.

The paper was interesting, but Swiss did learn that before committing crayon to paper, you need to give the exercise some thought, sit back, hands behind head, lift a cheek and fart, scratch your ear, ask to go to the toilet, and then make a start. Starting too soon doesn't leave enough time for the whole problem to sink in which makes it hard to change tack part way through. An event which Swiss miraculously avoided when his colouring in was adapted half way through to create a starship out of a bus.

Always keep an eye on the time, because Swiss nearly didn't finish, but being highly skilled and dedicated to the task, he finished with a flourish with seconds to spare. Next time, he has been asked to not shoute YEEEEEESSSSSS at the top of his voice as he does the flourish. It woke teacher up and frightened the Bejesus out of the rest of the class.

Today, was potato stamping. This is trickier than you imagine, and however much planning is put in, unless you really concentrate it is easy to lose track of time and not grab those easy final marks for finishing on time. Paired off, Amanda got to stamp her potatos into poster paint and make a picture for ten minutes. Swiss then had twelve minutes to change the picture and make his impression, and then Amanda had two minutes to try and rescue her picture. Swiss put up quite an impressive attempt, but to be fair to Amanda, she had a ponytail and a pink fluffy pencilcase and Swiss was understandably distracted.

The difference between CofL and BPP is, as Swiss understand it, that CofL uses the superior quality King Edward potato for its stamping. BPP goes for some inferior foreign potato, and CLS uses instant mash. Choosing the right college can pay dividends if done correctly.

All in all, a nice start to the assessment season. It was fun, exciting, and funny. Especially when Duncan wet himself, Gordon fell off his seat, and Judith screamed when a spider escaped from Martins safekeeping. Swiss is still laughing. The results are out sometime, but Swiss is feeling OK(ish) about it all so far.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Surly not!

Swizz is shocked.

Yesterday, while wandering around a County Court with his mobile shoe shine business, he wandered through the Youth Court section. Blimey O'Reilly, what an eye opener.

Sitting slouched low in the seats were four youths. Scallywags the lot of them. Two lads and 2 girls.

Surly is simply not enough to describe the little toe rags. Insolent, cocky, rude, impolite and thoroughly unpleasant individuals, the lot of them.

None of them could talk. They grunted and sneered, but words were simply not in their vocabulary, if that makes sense!

One of them was being asked to turn off the rap music he was playing on his mobile. He grunted, the other three laughed, they all grunted at each other and he turned the music up.

Putting aside the fact that they must all have committed a crime, all been arrested, all about to go in front of a Magistrate and be told off and told to be good little children, they clearly did not give a shit about it. It was all just a laugh and I am afraid that Swiss saw red.

Clearly, they felt that being in Court was a distraction from sitting at home watching Jeremy Kyle, but as they would be recording the show on the DVD's they had nicked it was but a minor inconveneince to them. Getting up earlier than normal was probably the greatest inconvenience.

They needed a damn good slapping with a house brick. Swiss can't do anything in the Youth Courts now. Having seen the type of client, he would be done for assault and battery within the first day of being there.

Fortunately, as they were all wearing trainers there was no work to be had cleaning shoes, so Swiss moved on to the grown up waiting room. It has to be said that the clientele wasn't a great deal better there, but at least there was an overall look of misery on their faces, so it is fair to assume that at least some of them had thoughts of regret at being in Court.

Yoof, don't you just hate em?