Thursday, 22 April 2010

The dishonest Chambers

Swiss is shocked.

Yes, he really is. He is shocked to the core.

As a child, dreaming of a rosy future when he would make something of his life, drag himself out of the Council estate, work hard at remedial school, really push himself, he always felt that he could reach heights never before seen, or believed, by the Swiss household.

He trusted his ability to count up to ten without moving his mouth, to colour in pictures without sticking his tongue out, to say the alphabet without getting stuck on M, N, O, P like his older brother still does.

Having passed a spelling test one Monday morning in Junior school, he realised that if he set his mind to it, if he studied and worked hard, he could achieve anything in life. The world would be his oyster, and he could really fly high.

He will be the first to admit that it hasn't been easy, and there have been many pitfalls along the way. Not least of which was his realisation that he was, despite his good intentions, a lazy bugger that generally couldn't be arsed to do any homework or listen in class.

Through the struggles, the determination, the constant encouragement from Daddy Swiss, who was convinced that if he could push himself and perform well at school he could become a roadsweeper, Mummy Swiss who thought that there must have been a mix up in the hospital and she brought the wrong baby home, because never before had anyone in the Swiss family been able to do a tie, despite all of that, Swiss marched on with a determination and steadfastness that amazed all who witnessed it.

And fast forward too many years to think about, and Swiss is close to the pinnacle of achievement. Never before has this been imagined. Statues of Swiss have been erected by his school, in a bid to encourage others to work hard, he has been featured in the local press, and on the tv, (Embarrassing bodies), he has slogged his little heart out, worked damn hard, tried, tried, and tried again, resat all of his GCSE's in a bid to pass, nothing stood in his way, because Swiss had a dream.

To be a Barrister.

Someone that was honest, reliable, intelligent, respected and trusted. People laughed at him, they scoffed and ridiculed him, but against the odds, Swiss won through.

And then it has all come crashing down. The dream is shattered. Swiss's faith in the system has been shot to pieces. He is a broken man and thoughts of anger and frustration are coursing through his body.

Encouraged and persuaded by CofL's careers service who were hoping that Swiss would succeed so they could erect a statue of him to inspire others, and by Minx who told him he owed it to the Western World to try, he filled in the Pupillage Portal. He saw that an additional question was being asked by a set of Chambers he was keen to join. 500 words on something he would change about the law.

In a bid to discover more about what they were looking for, he took a trip to London to look at their front door. He had seen important people coming and going, he had followed them to try and learn about their movements, (He should have realised that the guy with DHL on the back of his jacket was not a good choice to follow, to Liverpool!), he phoned up on the pretext of being interested in using them just to hear their voices, to gain an edge, he rooted through their bins to learn their likes and dislikes. It would be fair to say he studied this set of chambers with meticulous precision. he knew them inside out.

He wrote 500 words. He agonised over every single word. The meaning, how the sentence went together. How it flowed. How it looked. He was in top form and submitted his 500 word work of art.

It was rejected as having too many words.

He shuffled a few bits together. Still rejected. he repleaced, 'I reckon it is like that in it' to 'Because' in order to reduce the word count. Still rejected.


Eventually, 472 words was accepted! Can you believe that. What a lack of honesty. Surely thats fraud? Bad form? Utter, utter, nonsense.

Can they not count? Do they move their mouths when they count? Is Microsoft Office not able to count?

Its a mystery at the moment, but Swiss will get to the bottom of it, and will not let this rest. he will take this further.

Once he has finished this weeks round with his mobile shoe shine business he will write a letter (OF MORE THAN 500 WORDS) to someone. He just has to work out who to. But in the meantime.....

Swiss is shocked.


barmaid said...

Good luck Swizzle :-)

barboy said...

Swiss, a statue outside CoL. Why aim so low ? Dame Heather "Hottie" Hallett will be Treasurer at Inner next year. You could treat her to the Swizzle charm offensive and get a statue slap bang in the centre of the Inner garden. A fitting tribute to Swizzle - the BVC years.

Swiss Tony said...

BB, I was hoping to not have to spoil the surprise, and I had been sworn to secrecy by the Masters at Inner Temple, but they have put up the price of the BVC in order to raise funds to erect a statue of the two of us, along the lines of the one of Eric Morcombe.

We will be shown holding hands and singing 'Bring me sunshine'

I hope it doesn't upset anyone about to fork out additional money to do the BVC in September, but its for a good cause.

The alternative statue which was rejected by a close margin, was you, me and Barmaid, as Bill & Ben with Little Weed in the middle. That was rejected when they discovered the Little Weed was an interloper and was from the wrong temple.

barmaid said...

No, no - they thought 'little weed' was an invitation for an after dinner joint.

Anonymous said...

不願彎腰撿拾一根針的人,永遠不值得一塊錢。 ....................................................

Swiss Tony said...


Thats brilliant. I like the last part.

Unfortunately, the joke was lost in translation, but still, its a good twist on an old joke.


Law Minx said...

... Chambers should be made to sit on the naughty step for shennanigans like this, y'know - havent they learned ANYTHING from last years nonsense?! Would you like me to go and shout at them?!? ( I am in the mood for a blooody good row!!)

Swiss Tony said...


Ignoring the fact that I blame you for getting me involved in all this PP nonsense, shouting at them would be a fair way to absolve yourself of any guilt.

I did receive an email from the naughty chambers this morning apologising for the missing words, and offering me a free 15 words to make up for it. This is what I sent:

Thank you for offering me a further fifteen words that you can shove up your

Damn, cut short again!

I give up, I really do.

barmaid said...


Bar-barella said...


You put your faith in the COL careers service? In CCS we trust.

Good luck with the PP.



PS: A statue in the Cyber Cafe (dark cavern lit up with PCs, machines and a canteen) perhaps? You could even glow in the dark, guiding the weary course beaten students... I digress.

Anonymous said...

Well done!........................................

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