Monday, 27 July 2009

The votes are in!


Swiss has been getting on with his stuff, working hard, doing his homework for school, and little did he know that his efforts have been rewarded in a way never dreamt of.

Assessments will mean nothing in future. Aspirations of getting a pass in at least one subject is no longer his goal.

He has been watched. He has been assessed. He has been found to be the best at something.

Last time this happened, he was still living with Mater and Pater. He was mollycoddled and cared for like never before, or since in his life. Anything he wanted was handed to him on a plate, which goes some way to describing the size of the fat git. Pater would work in the city in order to provide more and more for Swiss. Mater would cook and clean and tidy up behind him. Life was bliss.

And then one day, it all went pear shaped. Some people say that Swiss is over sensitive and can't take criticism, and that all stemmed from an incident when Pater arrived home from the office to discover Swiss rifling through the kitchen drawer, where he discovered his adoption papers.

At this point, I bet you are all suspecting that little Swiss was sat down and told how mater and pater has chosen him because he was the best. How that made him special. How he was loved.

Actually, the papers simply showed that they had put him up for adoption, as in the words of papa, 'you are a right bloody pest Swiss'

It was years before he recovered. Before he realised that when dear old pater said pest, he hadn't said best. Until he realised that when he said pest, he really meant %^$£*&^$%.

As he types this tale of woe, even now, tears are welling up for dear old Swiss. Life can be cruel.

And then, BAM, life becomes sweet once again. Troubles are lifted from tired old shoulders, and he can walk with a sping in his step.

He has been recognised as a winner. No longer the loser in life. No longer the fumble fingered idiot that cant speak to girls. No longer the stammer. No longer the nervous tick.

Swiss is a winner.
And the prize? The prize of his life? The pinnacle of achievement?

The Mostly Blonde Charges Award for Expert Colouring in Without EVER Going over the Edges(EVER) Award

And all it took, was some of these:
And a few of these:

Nominated by some of these:
Swiss is a happy man


Wednesday, 15 July 2009

EXCLUSIVE - Pupillage Portal to be taken over

A leaked government paper has come Swiss Tony's way under highly suspicious and scurrilous circumstances, and it makes interesting reading.

Sir Hugh Farting-Fartington QC, head of the Bar Councils Pupillage Council has said that he will not be seeking re-election at the next voting round. He claims its for family reasons. Sources close to Sir Hugh (Fartface to his friends) say that he was so busy flipping his various houses that he took his eye off the Pupillage Portal (PP) ball, and the scandalous state of it is down to him. Other sources say that there is a lot of back stabbing going on, and that Fartface did everything he possibly could under difficult circumstances to make it work, but the decision to raise the word limit from 150 to 350 words was a step too far.

Swiss Tony called the Bar Council to confirm reports that the PP has been outsourced to a new entity to resolve, and Lucy Snellsnortsworth, who was gamely manning the phones during this difficult period would only put him through to the right department if he could explain in no more than 350 words why she should. Having done so, she hung up. A fax was received 3 weeks later saying 'REJECTED'

It seems clear that nobody responsible for the PP will admit to being in the country at the time, knowing what it is, or even why it exists, so further enquiries were made via various undercover sources to get to the truth.

Finally, a whistleblower for Kings Cross Train Station (I think he is the Station Master) revealed what is to become of it all.

Secret cabinet talks have been underway since Lawminx started moaning about PP last year, and it seems that the Government have taken control of it. They sat back this year to allow it to nail the last nail into its coffin lid, and are now set to transform the BVC, Pupillage, and Tenancy.

A non party committee has been set up to consider the cost of the BVC and its content. It is to hold talks in secret, and comprises three noble parties. BPP, CofL and CLS. They are promising to revamp the course to ensure that no longer will students get ripped off and given crap lessons, and have revolutionary ideas to dumb down the course a lot more than it is to encourage those less able to pass, and to raise the cost of the course, but to give vouchers to the useless to half their costs so that they can participate and feel part of the process. Students unable to speak english will be given free entry to the course and some lessons will be held in foreign so that there is no discrimination. Mayor of London, Boris said 'Don't you just love the multicultural London nowadays'

Gordon Brown has promised to align the PP with other government examinations, and is to take his lead from the UK Border Agencies 'Citizen Test' For those who don't know, it begins with a demonstration of how to use a mouse, and then asks a series of questions about rubbish. If you get a question wrong, you can try it again. You can answer it as many times as you want to until you get it right. You can even buy a book from HM Stationers with all the answers in it. having passed the test you get citizenship, a nice certificate and benefits.

Gordon said 'I believe that anyone that wants to be a Barrister should be given the opportunity to do so, and not be hindered by their nationality, language, intelligence, or financial position. As a Government, we want to open the opportunities up so that anyone can have a bash at representing our ever growing criminal fraternity. Crime has risen so fast that we just can't expect the current crop of Barristers to cope. The Conservatives would throw them all in prison, because they are bastards, but we feel that if we can get their cases thrown out of Court at an early stage by incompetent representation, we will save so much money from no longer having to pay for prisons, and Probation Officers that we can all go back to the good old days of claiming expenses for everything.'

Mandy Mandelson has been caught dressing up in a wig and gown in preparation for the new term. Alistair darling has been caught with his shoes and socks off, using his toes as well as his fingers to count up just how much money the Government will be saving. Chipmunk Blears is grinning like a insane insane thing, and Harriet Hardman is promising that there will be no men allowed on the next years intake of students to allow for equality to reach a level playing field.

Sources close to Sir Hugh (fartface) Farting-Fartington QC say that if you think this year was a disaster, next year will be worse. Sir Hugh has been advised to not go walking in any woods on his own.

A Government insider was heard to say that the current system is unfair and does not serve the Country the way that all other areas of life do. If the rest of the country is so fucked up that it is collapsing, whats the point of the Legal profession continuing the same old same old way. The sign of a good Government that is really in colntrol is to bring everything to the same level. This government is determined to bring Barristers in line with Teachers, the Police and Lollipop ladies (and men) (Lollipop persons?)

Lawminx was unavailable for comment, but seems likely to have a few words to say about it when she has cleared her hangover. Admittedly, one hangover seems to merge into the next, but she is expected to be sober at some point in October.

BarMaid welcomes the opportunity to pay more for her course and says that if Ho Chow Mong and Fransesca Gratelli, Stanislaw Gregolov and Helga Kreutzberg on her course can get next years lessons for free, and all advocacy lessons in future will be rotated through Chinese, Italian, Polish and German it will be good for racial harmony and a good thing, as they struggled a bit last year with making submissions for no case to answer and she felt guilty at being so good.

Barboy is still just crying.

Andropov is glad that she has finished with it all and never has to go back.

Lost is still lost.

Unilooney is also lost in action. Some say that Stalin girl has him held in a gulag somewhere and he is doing hard labour.

Swiss Tony has decided to tuen his back on it all and is back to selling cars for a living. Selfish bastard. Its people like him that contribute nothing to society that ruined this country. Good riddance I say.