Wednesday, 15 July 2009

EXCLUSIVE - Pupillage Portal to be taken over

A leaked government paper has come Swiss Tony's way under highly suspicious and scurrilous circumstances, and it makes interesting reading.

Sir Hugh Farting-Fartington QC, head of the Bar Councils Pupillage Council has said that he will not be seeking re-election at the next voting round. He claims its for family reasons. Sources close to Sir Hugh (Fartface to his friends) say that he was so busy flipping his various houses that he took his eye off the Pupillage Portal (PP) ball, and the scandalous state of it is down to him. Other sources say that there is a lot of back stabbing going on, and that Fartface did everything he possibly could under difficult circumstances to make it work, but the decision to raise the word limit from 150 to 350 words was a step too far.

Swiss Tony called the Bar Council to confirm reports that the PP has been outsourced to a new entity to resolve, and Lucy Snellsnortsworth, who was gamely manning the phones during this difficult period would only put him through to the right department if he could explain in no more than 350 words why she should. Having done so, she hung up. A fax was received 3 weeks later saying 'REJECTED'

It seems clear that nobody responsible for the PP will admit to being in the country at the time, knowing what it is, or even why it exists, so further enquiries were made via various undercover sources to get to the truth.

Finally, a whistleblower for Kings Cross Train Station (I think he is the Station Master) revealed what is to become of it all.

Secret cabinet talks have been underway since Lawminx started moaning about PP last year, and it seems that the Government have taken control of it. They sat back this year to allow it to nail the last nail into its coffin lid, and are now set to transform the BVC, Pupillage, and Tenancy.

A non party committee has been set up to consider the cost of the BVC and its content. It is to hold talks in secret, and comprises three noble parties. BPP, CofL and CLS. They are promising to revamp the course to ensure that no longer will students get ripped off and given crap lessons, and have revolutionary ideas to dumb down the course a lot more than it is to encourage those less able to pass, and to raise the cost of the course, but to give vouchers to the useless to half their costs so that they can participate and feel part of the process. Students unable to speak english will be given free entry to the course and some lessons will be held in foreign so that there is no discrimination. Mayor of London, Boris said 'Don't you just love the multicultural London nowadays'

Gordon Brown has promised to align the PP with other government examinations, and is to take his lead from the UK Border Agencies 'Citizen Test' For those who don't know, it begins with a demonstration of how to use a mouse, and then asks a series of questions about rubbish. If you get a question wrong, you can try it again. You can answer it as many times as you want to until you get it right. You can even buy a book from HM Stationers with all the answers in it. having passed the test you get citizenship, a nice certificate and benefits.

Gordon said 'I believe that anyone that wants to be a Barrister should be given the opportunity to do so, and not be hindered by their nationality, language, intelligence, or financial position. As a Government, we want to open the opportunities up so that anyone can have a bash at representing our ever growing criminal fraternity. Crime has risen so fast that we just can't expect the current crop of Barristers to cope. The Conservatives would throw them all in prison, because they are bastards, but we feel that if we can get their cases thrown out of Court at an early stage by incompetent representation, we will save so much money from no longer having to pay for prisons, and Probation Officers that we can all go back to the good old days of claiming expenses for everything.'

Mandy Mandelson has been caught dressing up in a wig and gown in preparation for the new term. Alistair darling has been caught with his shoes and socks off, using his toes as well as his fingers to count up just how much money the Government will be saving. Chipmunk Blears is grinning like a insane insane thing, and Harriet Hardman is promising that there will be no men allowed on the next years intake of students to allow for equality to reach a level playing field.

Sources close to Sir Hugh (fartface) Farting-Fartington QC say that if you think this year was a disaster, next year will be worse. Sir Hugh has been advised to not go walking in any woods on his own.

A Government insider was heard to say that the current system is unfair and does not serve the Country the way that all other areas of life do. If the rest of the country is so fucked up that it is collapsing, whats the point of the Legal profession continuing the same old same old way. The sign of a good Government that is really in colntrol is to bring everything to the same level. This government is determined to bring Barristers in line with Teachers, the Police and Lollipop ladies (and men) (Lollipop persons?)

Lawminx was unavailable for comment, but seems likely to have a few words to say about it when she has cleared her hangover. Admittedly, one hangover seems to merge into the next, but she is expected to be sober at some point in October.

BarMaid welcomes the opportunity to pay more for her course and says that if Ho Chow Mong and Fransesca Gratelli, Stanislaw Gregolov and Helga Kreutzberg on her course can get next years lessons for free, and all advocacy lessons in future will be rotated through Chinese, Italian, Polish and German it will be good for racial harmony and a good thing, as they struggled a bit last year with making submissions for no case to answer and she felt guilty at being so good.

Barboy is still just crying.

Andropov is glad that she has finished with it all and never has to go back.

Lost is still lost.

Unilooney is also lost in action. Some say that Stalin girl has him held in a gulag somewhere and he is doing hard labour.

Swiss Tony has decided to tuen his back on it all and is back to selling cars for a living. Selfish bastard. Its people like him that contribute nothing to society that ruined this country. Good riddance I say.


Law Minx said...

My Dear Swizzle,

I speak to you from behind a large pair of dark glasses having been dragged through those drinking establishments(and I use that term LOOSELY) in the minx locale deemed fit for graduation celebration by the mostly blonde charges ( It was NOT pretty) Consequently, I may not even recover in order to be able to pass effective comment with respect to the takeover of the Portal by OCTOBER.

In the meantime, I shall carry on WHINGEING about it.( The portal that is. Well, that AND the new batch of mostly blonde charges, of course.....)

(Ps: I noted a comment on Mel's blog but didnt want to hijack her thread - do you really feel unwell?)

barmaid said...

I can assure you most definitely Minxy that Swizzle is not unwell at all, in fact he is in rude health. His claim that he is unwell is nothing more than a cheap trick in order to receive a blanket bath from your good lady self, dressed in a nurses uniform.

Swiss Tony said...

Damn you BM. Only this morning I heard the sound of what I thought was a siren. I leapt out of bed all excited thinking that LM was on her way, in a ambulance, kitted out in uniform ready to give me a blanket bath. She would have one of those little watches dangling prevocatively above her right ... erm.... breast, and have the hat and everything.

Only as I looked out of the window in my excitement, did I notice that it was an ice cream van.

I had a pineapple Mivvi instead, but I am sure it wasn't the same.


Law Minx said...

My Dear Swizzle,

Since I would personally HATE to pour ( quite literally) icy COLD water over your cherished nursing fantasies with respect to a blanket bath, I shall refer you in the alternative, to - and indeed, into- the allegedly capable hands of the Mostly Blonde Charges and accept no responsibility WHATSOEVER for the consequences!!

( NB: Fob watches are jolly useful things, given that they are accompanied with a rather sharp PIN, but then, so are curved and TOOTHED Spencer Wells Artery Forceps, a fine impliment which I often threatened to clamp to the goolies of expectant fathers whenever their wives had contractions and had the affrontery to complain that her obvious pain/crippling AGONY could not POSSIBLY be "all THAT bad"....)