Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Crime and punishment

Swiss is shocked

Only today, whilst touring a local Court with his mobile shoe shine business (Franchises available), he was kicking back and just looking about.

The above photo was taken on the steps of the Court. It was todays misfits and miscreants dragging themsleves out of bed to face truth, justice and to repay society for their misdeeds. You can see they are dressed to impress the Court, they are humble, embarrassed and nervous. They clearly don't want to be there, and regret whatever it was they did.

Fat bloke next to Swiss, talking to 'is missis, commented 'This is the first time I have been in Court and not seen none of my mates about' Is this really what the country has come to. Why can't we bring back the birch and sort these wasters out once and for all. Beat any thoughts of criminal behaviour out of them rather than treat them with kid gloves. How may times has that toe rag been in Court, how many of his mates have been in Court, and why is he back for more. Give him a kicking, and then shoot him. That will stop whatever it is he is up to.

Rather attractive blonde (you know Swiss is a sucker for blondes) walked nervously up to reception and says she is there for a declaration for something. She was posh, well dressed, nervous and a little scared. Reception guy says 'Oh don't worry, go over there, sign a form and you can go, nothing to worry about. Bloody hell, talk about make it all easy for them. Swiss would have bigged it up a bit, put the shits up her, and seen her crying before letting her go and sign the form.

Swiss was in a Court in a fairly affluent area of the country, but the customers were all pretty much trashy, dirty, smelly oiks. Funnily enough, one of the trashy, dirty and smelly oiks happened to be a Court Clerk, so maybe the area wasn't as affluent as he thought!

Swiss is shocked. Really, he is.


barmaid said...

Swizz, you really do need to get out more, you're simply too shocked these days.

And by the way, the Court Clerk wasn't exactly complimentary about you either. He said that you were offering to shine ladies shoes for free, so that you could look up their skirts. Really! Now I'm the one who's shocked!

Swiss Tony said...

BM, come on, if I wasn't looking up their skirts you would have been shocked!

Law Minx said...

My Dear Swiss

given that your average chavette takes to wearing tracksuite bottoms ala addidas or reebok, I can only conclude that your nefarious activities with respect to skirt peeking relate to lady members of the magistrates bench, circuite judges and barristers.
This is deeply worrying!!

Anonymous said...

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Bar-barella said...

Dear Swiss,

Wondering if you can help me?
The lovely BarMaid informs me that you know of Col.
Do you know what the Family and Mediation options are like?


PS If you want real action go to Horseferry Rd/Westminster Magistrates' that will really shock you!

Swiss Tony said...


You really shouldn't go listening to what Barmaid says. She promised, yes promised to attend my MCT and pretend to be me. Did she? Nah, let down badly, and I ended up getting Barboy to do it for me. Resits in July!

If you can email Swiss at the email address on the top left of the blog he will provide all the info you could imagine possible.

He won't let you down.


Bar-barella said...

Oh Swiss,

I truly believe you won't let me down (despite sounding like the Sure Ad.

The email on its way to you!