Monday, 23 February 2009


Now I have found this an interesting thought. Admittedly, I find a lot of the course interesting, but in the depths of this 'slightly less than interesting' lesson, I struck gold in the interest stakes.

An Indictment is a document listing all of the offences that a scumbag criminal has carried out.

Coppers arrest a white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag for dangerous driving and find a silver candlestick in his trouser pocket. 'No, honest officer, I was just pleased to see you'

Back at the nick, a report comes in for a burglary. Plod hot foots it round to the crime scene and take a witness statement. Homeowner came home an hour ago and found a tooled up scumbag climbing out of the bathroom window. Describes him as white, 6'2 and dark hair.

Following a search of the premises, guess whats missing! No, go on, have a guess.

Did you say a silver candlestick? Oooooh, how did you know.

Homeowner attends an id parade. Doesn't pick the white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag. SOCO doesn't find any dabs on the window frame, or anywhere. Blasted white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag must have worn gloves.

Now, to the interesting bit, although to be honest, I think all the excitement has been spent on this scenario, the blues and twos and done and dusted, the tooled up white 6'2 dark haired scumbag didn't give the homeowner a kicking, nobody resisted arrest, no guns, and even more scary, no Police dogs. Police interview was exciting, lots of questions from good cop/bad cop returned with 'No comment'

So I have to make a list of offences that the white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag has committed.

Theft? How do I know? Crappy witness identification. Could have been anyone that is white, 6'2 and dark haired.

Handling? Well, yes, banged to rights, but is he the thieving white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag? Actually, did he know that the candlestick was stolen? I would look it up if I could be bothered but I suspect that lets him off that charge. Surely walking around in broad daylight with a candlestick in your pocket is quite normal? (OK, I looked it up for the sake of authenticity, and to prevent clever clogs spouting legislation at me. He has to know its stolen to count as handling)

Come on, come on, come on, says the Judge, list his offences properly on the Indictment or we will let him off, and pay him thousands because we falsely arrested him. What to do? Quickly, quickly, Theft or just handling, or nothing?

For now, until I get some suggestions, I will follow the usual procedure and do him for drug dealing, Public Order, and not putting his bins out on the correct day. He will not see the light of day while I am clearing the courts of white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbags.

Send him down.



barmaid said...

Swizzler,just stick to the one offence you can be sure will be a dead cert. - speeding:-) Or maybe not if it was a hand held, speed catching thingy that hadn't been calibrated that day.

barmaid said...

p.s. note how my vocabulary shows a wealth of experience in these matters - 'speed catching thingy'

Law Minx said...

My Dear Swizz,

Judge Dredd has absolutely NOTHING on you......!

Swiss Tony said...

BM, speed catching thingy? No wonder BPP have such a fine reputation.

I had actually forgotten the dangerous driving charge, which has to stick because the good cop/bad cops saw him doing it. I bet they had a helicopter filming it all too. You can't beat a bit if cop filming.

Minxy, Sesame Street has nothing on me you mean?

I watched a tv cop show last week where they had guns and everything, and they do a 'Hard Stop'. I like that. They go in kicking and punching and shouting lot of naughty words. Just like playtime at CofL.

Speed catching thingy. I really do like that, and if you don't mind BM, I will use it one day in Court.

Swiss Bob said...

Hello Swiss Tony,

Just dropped by and read the first post.

The only people worth doing are those that can pay the fines, the one exception being those caught bang to rights for murder where the guilty will plead to manslaughter and get on average, three and a half years nick.

I hope this clears everything up for you.