Thursday, 4 June 2009

Assessing the Assessments

OK, so you all know I have done the Legal Research nightmare. On balance, I think i did alright. I managed to find some stuff to write about in a knowledgeable way, and made it sound as if I knew what I was talking about. Added a few diagrams and pictures to illustrate my thoughts, created a rather snazzy pop-up section to illustrate the use of the Gents toilets after dark, and ended with a cartoon strip to illustrate my views on dogs.

And here is the clever bit, the part that I feel will make me stand out from the rest, the cartoon strip featured Snoopy. Blimey, I can hear the whoops and cheering from here. I know, I know, damn clever. Not being one to sabotage others attempts, but I did throw in some pretty clear suggestions to the rest of the class to feature Garfield, and he is a cat! Ha ha ha, that will fix 'em.
I have also done the Conference Assessment. Now this is a strange one. The theory is that as a barrister, you meet your guilty scumbag client 20 minutes before stepping into Court. You have the Prosecution papers and need to get your clients version of events so that you are clear about whats occurring when you try and persuade the Judge that your client is not as guilty as we all know they are.

So arriving at CofL, led into a room under exam conditions and given some papers concerning the case. Guilty sod has ram raided a bakery and stolen some pies and donuts, and was caught twenty minutes later by plod with crumbs around his mouth, and 2 jam donuts in his pocket.

I had one hour to read the papers, which was about 30 minutes too much, and wrote down some theories about my client, ready to question the guilty swine about his misdemeanors. (Spell check is quite clever isn't it)

Led to room where my client is sitting waiting. Not to put too fine a point on it, but what a fat lardy arse he was. He was sitting 4 feet away from the table. Well his body was, but his fat lardy stomach was resting on the table.
There is a defined procedure for what is allowed, not allowed, and what is critical to say to your client. Relax them, get them on side, trusting you, putty in your hands. Read carefully, because this will get you a pass when you do your assessment. Follow my words to the letter and you will be fine.

Hi mate, I am Swiss Tony, here to save your sorry fat arse from clink, so listen in and I will give you the run down, and tell you what to say to Judgeyboy. You wasn't there, can't drive and are on a diet. You were in McDonalds eating a Bigmac. Its a set up, and you don't even like pies.

He looked at me through little piggy eyes, and said 'Oh Swiss, when they told me that you would be representing me I knew I was safe.'

The twenty minutes passed in a blur. We discussed chips at length, pizzas and curry. We both like Mars Bars, and Coke. The time flew.

Never before have I had to represent such a nice guilty burglar before, so I enjoyed myself.

Now, I just need to wait for the results to come out, but I have a good feeling about these two assessments. Roll on next year where we have 10 more to do. They are fun, and I like them.



barmaid said...

Not wanting to rain on your parade Swizzle, but I know for a fact that Donut Boy's first choice of barrister was Rumpole. Unfortunately, in sitting opposite to one another it became apparent that R and D.B's respective tummies were such that it was impossible to hold a confidential conference due to the considerable distance between the 2 men.

Still I'm sure you did just fine, but I'm not so sure that licking jam off the defendant's chin wasn't a professional ethics issue???

Swiss Tony said...

BM, bugger, I forgot the old 'Red light Rule'

I should have seen it coming. He sold me a custard slice and a Ginsters pastie for 50p, and said he had a mate that could get me more.

Damn, damn, damn.

He didn't seem to mind me licking his chin though.

Damn, damn, damn.

Anonymous said...

You have all your assessments except 2 next year? That seems super harsh on a P/T course?

Law Minx said...

Gawd I think If I'd have had to do aLL of my finals one go on my version of the part time course I think I would have had a complete nervous breakdown!!

Swiss Tony said...

LG, thats how to tell the part timers apart from the full timers. Solid, hardworking, dedicated, mad.

According to my chart:
Feb - Opinion writing, Advocacy 1, Negotiation. (Bloody hell, all on the same weekend!)
March - Civil MCT, Crim MCT. (Bloody hell, both on the same weekend
May - Advocacy 2 and Advocacy 3. (Bloody hell, same weekend)
June - Options assessments. (3 of those, and I bet they are on the same day)

So yes, 10 in the space of 4 months.

Are we scared? Nah, bring it on.

Barristergirl said...

Hi Swizzle!

Conference was a gooden. Love the fact that we have to complete these conference sessions in this book taught fashion. "Real" conferences, consist of the brief giving the lag a fag and the lag saying "so wot, can I buss my case den" and the brief saying "as long as you listen to me you'll be Ok!"....loved doing them in the controlled conditions and then observing a real on at Snaresbrook Crown Court.

Swiss Tony said...

BG, funny how all through our education it is taught by the text book, yet real life in nothing like it.

I was talking to someone this morning who had a Barrister at a hearing, and the Barrister chatted her up, took her out for a meal, and when she rejected his advances refused to represent her again.

Must be something in the Code of Ethics about hitting on clients!