Wednesday, 26 August 2009


Swiss is a law abiding soul. Ever since he was caught stealing his neighbours car and joy riding at the age of 5, ram raiding the local sweet shop for gobstoppers and licorice laces, he has been a good boy. He is unsure if it was the bollocking he got from Dixon of Dock Green, or the way his dear old pater took his belt to him, but suffice it to say, since then Swiss has been good.

Any transgressions have been either minor, or undetected. He did nick the toy fire engine from under the nose of one of his classmates at nursery school, and he did try passing off a cardboard 5p in a sweet shop while at Junior school, but on the whole, if you are looking for good, law abiding and exemplary behaviour, Swiss is your man.

Last night, whilst meeting a friend for a chat, he was waiting in McDonalds. It was a HUGE place, and Swiss suspecst that they were expecting Jesus to turn up because there was seating for 5000. Swiss selected a table in the deepest reaches of the place because the friend had some juicy gossip to impart and didn't want to be overheard. That, and the screaming kids everywhere but the dark corner seemed to help persuade him to go there.

So, Swiss is there, all alone and looking towards the entrance. And in walk one of Blunkets plastic bobbies. Flak jacket, stab proof vest, handcuffs, truncteon, tazer gun, machine gun and notebook to take down particulars.

Trust me, Swiss has a very healthy opinion of the police. He likes them. He admires them. He sometimes wonders why he didn't become one, because where respect is due, they are up there with doctors, nurses and Baby Spice. And here is the dissapointing thing.

Swiss avoided eye contact and tried to slink down in his chair to avoid being noticed. All because although Swiss knew he had done no wrong, PC Plastic could find a million and one ways to arrest him. Terrorist, maybe, he could be waiting for his 'contact' to arrive before going to blow something up, whats in his bag, where has he been, why does he look suspicious, why is he sitting all alone, why is he wearing a bulky jacket, etc etc.

Admittedly, PC Plastic looked across, and wandered off. (He may have only been looking for a table to sit down at to eat his Happy Meal)

But Swiss is dissapointed. Why did he behave that way. Why did he feel vulnerable. What a shocking state of affairs.

He had left his machete at home, sold all his drugs, parked legally, worn gloves and left no dabs at the scene, and managed to wash off all traces of Cemtex.

What a bloody stupid f***ing travesty, when the innocent are made ot feel guilty.

Swiss is seriously pissed off with it all.


barmaid said...

Don't be disappointed in our police force Swizz, you're probably just a dodgy looking geezer.

barboy said...

Swiss, you're a brave one. I never leave home without my machete. I tell ya, it's a jungle out there.

Law Minx said...

My Dear Swizz

You ACTUALLY saw a Policeman out and about on the BEAT?! Surely this is a finding of such extraordinarily RARE magnitude it simply MUST be reported to Ripley's 'Believe it or Not' or some other such missive related to urban legend!

Are You SURE you werent hallucinating, having been overcome by the fumes eminating from the Ronald Macdonald Kitchens?!?!

Swiss Tony said...

My disappointment has been magnified by the fact that when I visited ASDA last night and was cruising the sweetie aisle, I noticed that I had spelt liquorice correctly the first time, and then been persuaded by my spell checker that I had made a mistake, and changed it. Bloody yanks trying to make me look stoopid.

Admittedly, truncheon is probably wrong as is Tazer, but they are policey words and not related to sweets. Swiss knows sweets you know.

BM, I may look dodgy normally, but I was wearing a Burkha. All he would have seen was the whites of my eyes. Eyes wide open and fearful of arrest I admit, but not enough to raise suspicion.

BB, oh you really are the biggest wuzz ever. I am surprised that you didn't notice the devious timelapse writing in my little tale, that when I nicked the red bus from one of my playmates, it was last term at CogL during lunch break. After playtime we have to go and lay down in the sleep room for half an hour too. Next time I see you, it will be a dead leg for you.

Minxy, This was Central London, well, West End, and at a major terrorist target. Drugs dogs roam the area and armed response vehicles are parked up outside. Bobbies all over the place ready to swoop on the unsuspecting, but PC Plastic must have been on a break. I am sure that being on the beat does not allow them to sit eating a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal, and play with the free toy. He also had a balloon given to him by one of the staff. He seemed happy, so the meal must have worked.


Templar said...

I always get a weird feeling in my stomach when i see a PC (the law enforcement type and the crappy-compared-to-Mac type) and Templar is about as cute and innocent looking as people in their tweens come. Yes tis tres sad. :( Join the club.

Oliver Smith said...

It is a sad state of affairs when innocent people are fearful of arrest. Those of us with legal knowledge are acutely aware of all the wonderful powers that the police now have and how wide ranging some of them are. I always look dodgy when the police are around as well. In fact I looked so dodgy on a train once that the BTP officer patrolling the train said so and decided to have “a chat” with me.

The criminals are not afraid because they know the law is on their side and that they’ll virtually get away with anything other than murder (and even then the chances are good).

Swiss Tony said...

Temps, in my next Bail application I shall allege that my client is cute and innocent looking. Not sure if it will work on scumbag Burglar Billie, but it has a certain ring to it.

Olly, one of the things I worry about is that if they decided to have a 'chat' with me, and knowing my rights I ensured I got them, they would have me spreadeagled on the floor with a gun to my head. I would be screaming about breaches of PACE, Code C unlawful interview, and they would blow me into the middle of next week.

I shall do what I do best, and am proficient at, especially at CofL, act dumb.


Oliver Smith said...


We don't have the delights of PACE up here in good old tartan land...we do though have the Criminal Procedure (Scotland) Act 1995, Criminal Procedure (Amendment) (Scotland) Act 2004 and other such wonderful Acts (but they are not as laborious on the police as PACE is)