The votes are in!

Blimey.

Swiss has been getting on with his stuff, working hard, doing his homework for school, and little did he know that his efforts have been rewarded in a way never dreamt of.

Assessments will mean nothing in future. Aspirations of getting a pass in at least one subject is no longer his goal.

He has been watched. He has been assessed. He has been found to be the best at something.

Last time this happened, he was still living with Mater and Pater. He was mollycoddled and cared for like never before, or since in his life. Anything he wanted was handed to him on a plate, which goes some way to describing the size of the fat git. Pater would work in the city in order to provide more and more for Swiss. Mater would cook and clean and tidy up behind him. Life was bliss.

And then one day, it all went pear shaped. Some people say that Swiss is over sensitive and can't take criticism, and that all stemmed from an incident when Pater arrived home from the office to discover Swiss rifling through the kitchen drawer, where he discovered his adoption papers.

At this point, I bet you are all suspecting that little Swiss was sat down and told how mater and pater has chosen him because he was the best. How that made him special. How he was loved.

Actually, the papers simply showed that they had put him up for adoption, as in the words of papa, 'you are a right bloody pest Swiss'

It was years before he recovered. Before he realised that when dear old pater said pest, he hadn't said best. Until he realised that when he said pest, he really meant %^$£*&^$%.

As he types this tale of woe, even now, tears are welling up for dear old Swiss. Life can be cruel.

And then, BAM, life becomes sweet once again. Troubles are lifted from tired old shoulders, and he can walk with a sping in his step.

He has been recognised as a winner. No longer the loser in life. No longer the fumble fingered idiot that cant speak to girls. No longer the stammer. No longer the nervous tick.

Swiss is a winner.
And the prize? The prize of his life? The pinnacle of achievement?

The Mostly Blonde Charges Award for Expert Colouring in Without EVER Going over the Edges(EVER) Award

And all it took, was some of these:
And a few of these:


Nominated by some of these:
Swiss is a happy man

Swizzle

EXCLUSIVE - Pupillage Portal to be taken over

A leaked government paper has come Swiss Tony's way under highly suspicious and scurrilous circumstances, and it makes interesting reading.

Sir Hugh Farting-Fartington QC, head of the Bar Councils Pupillage Council has said that he will not be seeking re-election at the next voting round. He claims its for family reasons. Sources close to Sir Hugh (Fartface to his friends) say that he was so busy flipping his various houses that he took his eye off the Pupillage Portal (PP) ball, and the scandalous state of it is down to him. Other sources say that there is a lot of back stabbing going on, and that Fartface did everything he possibly could under difficult circumstances to make it work, but the decision to raise the word limit from 150 to 350 words was a step too far.

Swiss Tony called the Bar Council to confirm reports that the PP has been outsourced to a new entity to resolve, and Lucy Snellsnortsworth, who was gamely manning the phones during this difficult period would only put him through to the right department if he could explain in no more than 350 words why she should. Having done so, she hung up. A fax was received 3 weeks later saying 'REJECTED'

It seems clear that nobody responsible for the PP will admit to being in the country at the time, knowing what it is, or even why it exists, so further enquiries were made via various undercover sources to get to the truth.

Finally, a whistleblower for Kings Cross Train Station (I think he is the Station Master) revealed what is to become of it all.

Secret cabinet talks have been underway since Lawminx started moaning about PP last year, and it seems that the Government have taken control of it. They sat back this year to allow it to nail the last nail into its coffin lid, and are now set to transform the BVC, Pupillage, and Tenancy.

A non party committee has been set up to consider the cost of the BVC and its content. It is to hold talks in secret, and comprises three noble parties. BPP, CofL and CLS. They are promising to revamp the course to ensure that no longer will students get ripped off and given crap lessons, and have revolutionary ideas to dumb down the course a lot more than it is to encourage those less able to pass, and to raise the cost of the course, but to give vouchers to the useless to half their costs so that they can participate and feel part of the process. Students unable to speak english will be given free entry to the course and some lessons will be held in foreign so that there is no discrimination. Mayor of London, Boris said 'Don't you just love the multicultural London nowadays'

Gordon Brown has promised to align the PP with other government examinations, and is to take his lead from the UK Border Agencies 'Citizen Test' For those who don't know, it begins with a demonstration of how to use a mouse, and then asks a series of questions about rubbish. If you get a question wrong, you can try it again. You can answer it as many times as you want to until you get it right. You can even buy a book from HM Stationers with all the answers in it. having passed the test you get citizenship, a nice certificate and benefits.

Gordon said 'I believe that anyone that wants to be a Barrister should be given the opportunity to do so, and not be hindered by their nationality, language, intelligence, or financial position. As a Government, we want to open the opportunities up so that anyone can have a bash at representing our ever growing criminal fraternity. Crime has risen so fast that we just can't expect the current crop of Barristers to cope. The Conservatives would throw them all in prison, because they are bastards, but we feel that if we can get their cases thrown out of Court at an early stage by incompetent representation, we will save so much money from no longer having to pay for prisons, and Probation Officers that we can all go back to the good old days of claiming expenses for everything.'

Mandy Mandelson has been caught dressing up in a wig and gown in preparation for the new term. Alistair darling has been caught with his shoes and socks off, using his toes as well as his fingers to count up just how much money the Government will be saving. Chipmunk Blears is grinning like a insane insane thing, and Harriet Hardman is promising that there will be no men allowed on the next years intake of students to allow for equality to reach a level playing field.

Sources close to Sir Hugh (fartface) Farting-Fartington QC say that if you think this year was a disaster, next year will be worse. Sir Hugh has been advised to not go walking in any woods on his own.

A Government insider was heard to say that the current system is unfair and does not serve the Country the way that all other areas of life do. If the rest of the country is so fucked up that it is collapsing, whats the point of the Legal profession continuing the same old same old way. The sign of a good Government that is really in colntrol is to bring everything to the same level. This government is determined to bring Barristers in line with Teachers, the Police and Lollipop ladies (and men) (Lollipop persons?)

Lawminx was unavailable for comment, but seems likely to have a few words to say about it when she has cleared her hangover. Admittedly, one hangover seems to merge into the next, but she is expected to be sober at some point in October.

BarMaid welcomes the opportunity to pay more for her course and says that if Ho Chow Mong and Fransesca Gratelli, Stanislaw Gregolov and Helga Kreutzberg on her course can get next years lessons for free, and all advocacy lessons in future will be rotated through Chinese, Italian, Polish and German it will be good for racial harmony and a good thing, as they struggled a bit last year with making submissions for no case to answer and she felt guilty at being so good.

Barboy is still just crying.

Andropov is glad that she has finished with it all and never has to go back.

Lost is still lost.

Unilooney is also lost in action. Some say that Stalin girl has him held in a gulag somewhere and he is doing hard labour.

Swiss Tony has decided to tuen his back on it all and is back to selling cars for a living. Selfish bastard. Its people like him that contribute nothing to society that ruined this country. Good riddance I say.

Half time whistle

And so the referee blows his whistle, and the half way point has been reached. No point turning back now, because it would take just as long to do that as carry on, although the path ahead is littered with unknown obstacles, while I know that the road already traveled has been pretty smooth, nice scenic views, nice people met along the way, and level walking.

Which brings me to the point of my post. A year ago before I began the BVC I worried that I was a numbskull and would be laughed out of class on day one. I worried that I may not be up to the job, that the lessons would be too hard, the homework overwhelming, and the rest of the class pretensious and obnoxious twits.

With the exception of the latter, I have been proven wrong on every front. I have loved the course, relished the lessons (Hmm, maybe not relished!), enjoyed it all. I will be the first to admit that trying to get my head around Hearsay was never going to be easy, and still isn't, but nothing else has been so difficult that I felt out of my depth.

Enjoyable is the word for it. The teaching staff have been wonderful, the challenge has been manageable, and I feel that despite my fears I have done alright.

So as I approach a few weeks off, eight actually, and as I consider the amount of homework I have to get through, which admittedly is probably less than 1 days worth of BPP finest homework challenges, I am looking forward to the second half.

Criminal and Civil are pretty much dealt with now, and advocacy seems to be the biggie for next year, and of course the selectives we can choose, so I feel that the hardest part is probably behind me now, and even if it isn't, bring it on.

So to anyone beginning the BVC in September, you have nothing to fear, it is enjoyable if you put your mind to it, apply yourself and make the effort to study and do your homework.

Of course, maybe its just CofL that is enjoyable.

What struck me as funny yeterday on the underground was I chose CofL because I could get there with a direct connection on the tube. If I went to BPP I would have had to change lines. Blow me down if every bloody weekend TFL are doing engineering works and I need to change lines anyway. Now that is a Swizz

Swizz

Assessing the Assessments

OK, so you all know I have done the Legal Research nightmare. On balance, I think i did alright. I managed to find some stuff to write about in a knowledgeable way, and made it sound as if I knew what I was talking about. Added a few diagrams and pictures to illustrate my thoughts, created a rather snazzy pop-up section to illustrate the use of the Gents toilets after dark, and ended with a cartoon strip to illustrate my views on dogs.

And here is the clever bit, the part that I feel will make me stand out from the rest, the cartoon strip featured Snoopy. Blimey, I can hear the whoops and cheering from here. I know, I know, damn clever. Not being one to sabotage others attempts, but I did throw in some pretty clear suggestions to the rest of the class to feature Garfield, and he is a cat! Ha ha ha, that will fix 'em.
I have also done the Conference Assessment. Now this is a strange one. The theory is that as a barrister, you meet your guilty scumbag client 20 minutes before stepping into Court. You have the Prosecution papers and need to get your clients version of events so that you are clear about whats occurring when you try and persuade the Judge that your client is not as guilty as we all know they are.

So arriving at CofL, led into a room under exam conditions and given some papers concerning the case. Guilty sod has ram raided a bakery and stolen some pies and donuts, and was caught twenty minutes later by plod with crumbs around his mouth, and 2 jam donuts in his pocket.

I had one hour to read the papers, which was about 30 minutes too much, and wrote down some theories about my client, ready to question the guilty swine about his misdemeanors. (Spell check is quite clever isn't it)

Led to room where my client is sitting waiting. Not to put too fine a point on it, but what a fat lardy arse he was. He was sitting 4 feet away from the table. Well his body was, but his fat lardy stomach was resting on the table.
There is a defined procedure for what is allowed, not allowed, and what is critical to say to your client. Relax them, get them on side, trusting you, putty in your hands. Read carefully, because this will get you a pass when you do your assessment. Follow my words to the letter and you will be fine.

Hi mate, I am Swiss Tony, here to save your sorry fat arse from clink, so listen in and I will give you the run down, and tell you what to say to Judgeyboy. You wasn't there, can't drive and are on a diet. You were in McDonalds eating a Bigmac. Its a set up, and you don't even like pies.

He looked at me through little piggy eyes, and said 'Oh Swiss, when they told me that you would be representing me I knew I was safe.'

The twenty minutes passed in a blur. We discussed chips at length, pizzas and curry. We both like Mars Bars, and Coke. The time flew.

Never before have I had to represent such a nice guilty burglar before, so I enjoyed myself.

Now, I just need to wait for the results to come out, but I have a good feeling about these two assessments. Roll on next year where we have 10 more to do. They are fun, and I like them.

Swizzy

Legal Research

One of the required elements of the BVC is legal research. You will be given a scenario by your over worked Pupil Master who has asked you to look into what will happen to their client. Its a case of dumping the file on your desk, leaving a note with a few questions on it, and then departing to the Caribbean for a month while they take a holiday, safe in the knowledge that you will discover everything necessary to get answer the problem.

Therein lies the problem with being a Barrister. How can you ever get on when your Pupil Master is an over optimistic idiot. Surely they know that you are an inept bumbling fool that shouldn't be left in charge of making a cup of tea, let alone offering an opinion on a legal issue.

OK, so first thing to do is to check if anyone has a number for the hotel in the Caribbean. Second thing is to let the wave of panic run its course through your veins. Third is to cry.

Opening the file, you will find that the problem isn't quite as bad as you feared. Then you read a bit further, and discover its so bloody complicated and has so many twists and turns that it might just be time to call it a day. You have bluffed your way this far, but you have met your match, you cannot keep up the pretense any longer. You realise that admitting defeat is sometimes an honourable thing to do.

Maybe, just maybe, and you will have to humour me here, its worth making a start? Write something down and see what happens. It might flow, it might convince someone that you know what to do. Stop that manic laughing, give it a go.

Summarise the problem. This is relatively easy, but not for the feint hearted. You have to read the 50 pages of bumf, and summarise it in a logical and easy to follow way.

OK, Mr Smith is a guilty scumbag and got drunk and beat up his wife. She is in hospital with broken ribs, and he says she fell down the stairs. He was arrested, and in the car on the way to the cop shop he said to the copper, I will give you ten thousand quid to let me do a runner. Copper accepts a cheque and lets him out the door as they slow for the traffic lights. As Mr Smith runs round the corner, her trips over a dangerous Pit Bull dog and cracks his head open on the pavement. The policeman realises that he can't turn up at the cop shop without a prisoner, so he goes to the park and arrests a deaf dumb and blind tramp called Kevin. Kevin thinks he is being mugged, so punches the copper who falls backwards and impails himself on the railings outside the parks public convenience. Two man gainfully employed in using a cubicle in the toilets for a pupose not specified to the Parks Committee, hear the screams of the dying policeman and rush outside and nick his wallet. As they run off, one of them gets hit by the ambulance rushing to assist the Policeman and dies. The Policeman is taken to the hospital where he is placed in a bed alongside Mrs Smith.

OK, that was OK. See how it all comes together once you make a stab at it.

Right, what does the idiotic Pupil Master want me to do? Ah, investigate the dangerous dogs act, and advise on what can be done to clean up the park.

Go online, check the cost of a flight to anywhere that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the UK, and go. Just go. Get out of here, because sometimes the law is a bitch and a complicated one at that.

Does anyone ever actually pass Legal Research? Seriously, is it possible?

Bloody hell, I can't read the cost of the tickets through my tears.

Swine Fever and OLPAS Fruits

Swiss is a worried man. Yes, truly worried.

Listening to the radio during breakfast this morning, he nearly choked on his bacon sarnie. Swine fever is at pandemic proportions. Apparently, the honeymooning coupe who first caught it have recovered and gone home, but they passed the lurgy to a friend who is now in hospital.

The figures announced were that FIVE are in hospital, but they still expect 750,000 deaths, and 1.5 Million hospital admissions. Swiss doesn't like to swear, but what the fuck? What sort of distortion of a story is that?

Knowing that the media have been allowed into Family Courts, he wonders at the sort of stories they will come up with for cases they are allowed to see, but are not allowed to report on. (What the fuck?)

Swiss allowed his mind to wander at how reporting would appear in the newspapers and on radio for the OLPAS Fruity Pupillage Portal. He can imagine reports of 250 Million applications being made for only 5 places. The Ministry of Justice has reported a Pandemic and the imminent collapse of justice in this country. All Judges will wear masks, and defendants will appear in Court in isolation tanks whipped from hospitals due to the risk of spreading disease. Solicitor Advoctes will be shipped to Mexico (so not all bad news then) and bacon sarnies will no longer be served in Court canteens.

The government will legislate on pork chops and dogs will no longer be allowed to eat pigs ears. Any child with a bedroom looking like a pig sty will be sent to a Youth Detention Centre until they mend their ways. Members of Parliament will be given an allowance for setting up decontamination facilities at their first, second and third homes.

Anyone caught giving a child a piggy back ride in public will be given an on the spot fine for £5000. If they are talking on their mobile at the time they will be shot.

You may wonder why Swiss is worried? He has heard that Gordon Brown, stateman, world saver and marvel of government has taken charge. Be worried. Be very worried. It is slowly dawning on Swiss why it is actually possible that what is currently only 5 people with the sniffles could result in 750,000 deaths. Gordon is dealing with it.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Swiss was emailed this article which has been released by the Bar Council.

"The Pupillage Portal has had its deadline extended. Whilst we accept that it has been open for applications for over a month, and we are seeking applicants with a bit of common sense to not wait until the deadline before crashing the system, potential barristers who understand the need to be prepared, to manage their time so that they can do what's important, to prioritise their lives, to bloody well meet deadlines, we will give them another days grace."

Swiss has said it before, he will say it again, 'what the fuck?'

Swissle

Made to make your mouth water!!!

There is a rumour going around that the Pupillage Portal will be renamed after this round of applications to the Starburst Portal.

Why can't they just leave things alone.

Well, I am not mentioning the word, but I am done with it. I have chewed, tried all flavours, removed that little bit of paper that always managed to stick to the sweet and only revealed itself after a bit of chewing, and am not going back for a month or so.

Good or bad, Swizzy has done his bit. If they can't see the benefits of having me on their team, then sod them. In fact, before they reject me sod them anyway. Nah nah nah nah nah, I got in first.

Back to my day job in ASDA, and I am once again, saying nuffink.

Jobs a good'un

Swizzlestick