Will I be Barred?: Chambers are missing a trick

This made Swiss laugh!

One day Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office and said
"Alastair, I have a great idea!
We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Good idea PM. How will we go about it?" said Darling.

"Well," said Brown, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick, and a flat cap.
Oh, and a Labrador too. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a nice old country pub, in 'Much' Something or other, and
we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside...."

"Right PM", said Darling.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off.
Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely
country pub.
With dog at heel they went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord. Two pints of your best ale from the wood please",
said Brown.
"Good evening Prime Minister", said the landlord, "two pints of best it
is - coming up".

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar, contemplating new taxes, and
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back into the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same
procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.
This procedure then continued, with people of all ages and gender
following suit during the next hour or so.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over.
"Tell me", he said, "why do all those people keep coming in to look under
the dog's tail like that?
Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the landlord, "It's just that somebody told them
there was a Labrador in the bar with two arseholes"...

**********

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more aout each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

********

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
Find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."
************

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

********************

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me then' replied the farmer.

******************

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!

*************************

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I
now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a
minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

********************************

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,

'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

*********

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too... You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

***************

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean".

Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fookin locked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin locked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

****************

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

+++++++++++++
A drunk walks into church and makes his way through to the confessional box.

The Priest thinks he should stop him, but then decides that drunks are as entitled to Gods forgiveness as anyone else so watches him enter the box, and then goes into his side to wait for the drunk to reveal his sins.

After five minutes of silence the Priest, deciding that the drunk may have fallen asleep, taps on the wall.

The drunks responds by saying 'Its no good knocking on the wall, there is no paper in this one either'

Monday, 10 August 2009

Chambers are missing a trick

There currently seems to be a bit of a backlash against the Pupillage system flowing through various blogs and friends I speak to. (OK, I don't have any friends but if I did they would tell me how bad it all is)

For my part, I am bemused by it all. It has been hammered into my head, time and time again, that I am not to make the sacred ground of Barristership. All the signs were there, and all were ignored in search of something to be able to look back on life and say I made it to the top.

Nevertheless, I am as happy as a pig in shit and therefore not beaten down or upset by it all.

I will continue to make applications, because it seems like a bit of a game, but to be honest, when far more worthy individuals than good old Swiss are being turned down, there is little hope left.

THE LAST BUS

Earlier today, I was in Court. I was helping a poor unfortunate that needed me to hold their hand. I enjoy doing it, because it helps them. They are scared and frightened to go to Court, but are left with no choice.

Today, maybe for the first time, I felt the deepest loathing and hatred of their opponent. I wanted to stab their eyes out with a rusty nail. As for their Solicitor, rusty nails were too good for them. And it struck me, the Bus Stop Rule is one hell of a good reason to not want to be a Barrister. If I am helping someone, and they rub me up the wrong way, I can walk away, adios tosser, do it yourself because Swiss is pissed off with you. That freedom is worth a lot, especially when you see opposition like today. I have seen many a client that I could never in a month of Sundays assist. Presumably I would be disbarred if I had them as a client and had poked their eyes out with a rusty nail. If it ever happens, Swiss will let you all know.

ANDROPOV IS A STAR

Anyway, to the point of my post. Last week I asked the very bright and capable Andropov of http://accedas-ad-curiam.blogspot.com/ fame to do a little job for me. (I should point out that she did once tell me how to put links in posts, but sorry Andropov, I wasn't listening properly)

You will now notice at the top of my Blog that my little award from Minxy is displayed like a poster on a little boys bedroom wall. I just had to have it there to show off, and remind me of my place. Contender for awards, but not giver of awards. Hence the picture for this post. It isn't as far as I know Andropov, although I hear she is a bit of a looker, but it is typical of posters that boys had on their bedroom walls when Swiss were a lad.

Andropov set up this blog, in exactly the design I wanted. No fuss, no bother, no flowers or nothing. She just did the job, smiled, and got on with things. She has also designed the incredibly clever site for Minxy http://minx610.blogspot.com/ (Andropov, I will listen if you tell me again how to do it, but don't tell me in HTML code like last time. Simple step by step guide in English will be best. Write it slowly, you know I can't read fast)

Admittedly, Minxy's blog has more bells and whistles than Swiss's, but she obviously learnt a lot doing this blog before embarking on her pride of place Blog.

So, Chambers are missing a trick. Come on Swiss you old fart, get on with the story. (Its like listening to Ronnie Corbet at times) Some of the websites are atrocious. Awful sites. What they need to do is give Andropov a Pupillage on the condition that she redesigns their site for them.

Thanks Andropov, you have my never ending thanks for setting up the blog, and keeping it running like a well oiled machine. Don't forget to let me know when you visit old smokey London and I will treat you to dinner at Inner. Forget Minx's tedious comments about their baked potatoes. She joined the wrong Inn and is just trying to make herself feel better about it.

Swiss

10 comments:

Android said...: Thanks for the mention :)); 10 August 2009 at 11:01
Minx said...: Hi Swizzle,

I think you have the most wonderful attitdude to the pursuit of the golden snitch - reading this makes me wish I wasnt such an old harridian at times!
Having said that, I dont really believe theres a backlash going on at the mo ( though if it is, its probably my fault and I therefore apologise), rather just a general expression of sadness and general frustration - the whole experience is like being kettled through a glass ceilng!!

Cab Rrank, frustrating as it is, is the very reason we practice as barristers; we are hired guns, there to place the objective argument in a manner that withstands testing and is found to be plausible. I can quite understand the emotive frustration ( defending a paedophile with form, or a drunk driver who has no insurance or tax and has just run over a family, for example sounds and doubtlessly is horrendous) but people are owed a fair hearing no matter what. I know this sounds naive - feel free to throw that hideous microwave spud at me- but I think If we dont cling to notions like the presumption of innocence or the right to a fair hearing, we will all go quietly around the bend.

Andro is indeed a star, a true goddess of the ether! I think I must have been an incredibly fussy and difficult client, but she undertook the design of my blog with patience and considerable good grace.

I do hope I havent upset you in giving you the web award; at its heart was a desire to pay a sincere compliment, specifically, thank you for doing such a wonderful job of blogging when you have such a lot on your plate! It takes discipline and organisation to blog and blog consistently, so as far as I'm concerned you are totally up there in the Legal Ether.

As to my Inn, well thats a far distant memory, a place I am likely to have little to do with again.

I concede. Inners Spuds are probably the superior spud of choice.; 10 August 2009 at 11:03
Swiss Tony said...: Minxy, what clearer indication can there be than me being a total idiot and unable to grasp the fundamentals of being a barrister. Cab Rank, not Bus Stop!!! Blimey, how embarrassed do i feel now! of course Barristers don't do buses with ordinary people, taxi everywhere and ride in comfort.

i am so pleased with my award. like Bar Boy I only ever managed to get a 25 metre swimming certificate, so the award takes pride of place. hence its prominant position.

I don't know what being kettled is like, probably some welsh euphemism for something, but forget the glass ceiling, mirrors everytime for me.

I am with you on the fair hearing stuff, and I can accept the principle, especially seeing as it has been rammed home to me time and time again that you cannot judge your client, but if you had seen the abject lies and rubbish being thrown my clients way with little chance to defend against it all, and even if they could, mud slung sticks in awkward places, it got my goat today. As a client said to me a couple of weeks ago, it takes one step to throw mud, but many steps to clean it off.

Give me a drugs bust, drunk driver and a Great train Robber, and I would get on better with them than most of the opposition I came across. Wild allegations of fanciful proportions, all supported by legal Aid, delaying a fair conclusion for about 6 months to a year, by which time too much damage has been done.

Oh well.

Andro, credit where credits due, you are very clever.

Swiss; 10 August 2009 at 11:34
Barmaid said...: I think 'bus stop' rule is quite appropriate given the cut backs in the legal aid system. Cabs are a luxury no longer affordable to members of the Bar.

But Swizzle, I should point out that 'fair hearing stuff' doesn't mean a blonde bit of totty with nice ears.; 10 August 2009 at 14:45
Anonymous said...: I thought you were using bust stop rule in an ironic and humerous way, in your normal witty tounge and cheek manner. But then it might have been, and it could be your fess up is additional brillaint faux-self-deprication!

I imagine you have your friends in STICHES in real life. If this wigging lark doesnt work out you shold seriously think about a career in stand up!!!; 11 August 2009 at 01:02
Vanity Case said...: Hello Swiss - Since you so kindly paid my new little blog a visit, I thought it would be nice to check out your blog and see what you get up to. I have to say I love your style. Your post made me feel a little more care free and less stressed about the under-achieving pupillage-less person that i have become. I would put you on my "blogroll' if I knew how. I will when I do. Nice post. Catch you soon

Templar; 11 August 2009 at 08:01
Swiss Tony said...: BM, I have gone right off Fair hearings then. Although, if I am being brutally honest, the Court clerk yesterday was blonde and i found her to be very distracting. Most of them seem to fall asleep, or sit there reading Hello Magazine, but this one kept winking at me and smiling. I think she had something in her eye, and wind.

LG, if only I was clever enough to do a double crossed back handed faux pas and get away with it. Most people that I come across are convinced I am a comic genius the way i get everything jumbled up. Those that know me have already confirmed for themselves that I am just a pillock.

Templar, I noticed your Blog hanging on the side of BarMaid. I thought you might look good hanging on my side, so I linked yer. If you need to know how to link back, do what I did. Ask Andropov. Unless of course she only helps me and Minxy. She is kind to me in the way you would be kind to a small child that was not only stupid, but also a bit of a pillock. I guess she is kind to Minxy because nobody would dare not to be.

As for the PP and Chambers and all that Jazz, stuff 'em. Plenty of jobs down the job centre now that the Poles are going back to a proper country.

Swizzle; 11 August 2009 at 08:37
Minx said...: My Dear SWIZZLES?!?

Am I THAT scary?!?!

**waaaaaaaah!!!!!* :((

(Ps: I think Andro's building Lost a new look, from what I've seen of the comments on her blog, but dont quote me!); 11 August 2009 at 11:14
Anonymous said...: Bus stop rule really must be one of the most versatile of rules out there! Really like the blog swiss, just stumbled upon it a little earlier and shall definitely be returning.; 12 August 2009 at 10:26
barboy said...: In case anyone was wondering, I confirm that Swiss is, indeed, a pillock. Plus, he blubs like a little girl when threatened with a dead arm.; 12 August 2009 at 12:48

What is Swiss Doing?

This made Swiss laugh!

Monday, 10 August 2009

Chambers are missing a trick

10 comments:

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