Will I be Barred?: Visitors

This made Swiss laugh!

One day Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office and said
"Alastair, I have a great idea!
We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Good idea PM. How will we go about it?" said Darling.

"Well," said Brown, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick, and a flat cap.
Oh, and a Labrador too. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a nice old country pub, in 'Much' Something or other, and
we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside...."

"Right PM", said Darling.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off.
Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely
country pub.
With dog at heel they went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord. Two pints of your best ale from the wood please",
said Brown.
"Good evening Prime Minister", said the landlord, "two pints of best it
is - coming up".

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar, contemplating new taxes, and
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back into the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same
procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.
This procedure then continued, with people of all ages and gender
following suit during the next hour or so.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over.
"Tell me", he said, "why do all those people keep coming in to look under
the dog's tail like that?
Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the landlord, "It's just that somebody told them
there was a Labrador in the bar with two arseholes"...

**********

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more aout each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

********

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
Find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."
************

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

********************

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me then' replied the farmer.

******************

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!

*************************

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I
now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a
minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

********************************

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,

'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

*********

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too... You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

***************

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean".

Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fookin locked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin locked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

****************

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

+++++++++++++
A drunk walks into church and makes his way through to the confessional box.

The Priest thinks he should stop him, but then decides that drunks are as entitled to Gods forgiveness as anyone else so watches him enter the box, and then goes into his side to wait for the drunk to reveal his sins.

After five minutes of silence the Priest, deciding that the drunk may have fallen asleep, taps on the wall.

The drunks responds by saying 'Its no good knocking on the wall, there is no paper in this one either'

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Visitors

At the side of my blog you will notice the Feedjit Traffic Feed. I only put it there to see if anyone actually came to my blog. I had set up a traffic feed thingy previously which despite the comments I was receiving steadfastly told me that zero people visited, ever.

Imagine my surprise then at the variety of visitors. Yesterday, someone from the 'Central District' came looking for something. I know not what. I am intrigued. Where is the Central District? Is it near Birmingham, or is it one of the old USSR states? There seem to be so many. Fascinating.

Someone from Albania searching for info on the BVC. IS that for real?

Also Ireland seems to have found me in the last few days, as has the good old USofA. To be honest, I don't know if you can go to prison for breaking the GDL, but I guess your GDL is not the same as ours!

Most people tend to be searching something to do with the GDL or BVC.

Someone even searched for 'Overwhelmed by the BVC'. (Was that you again Bar Boy?)

If you visit, please feel free to email me. I did the GDL, so if you didn't get all of your questions answered, just email me. The address is up by Sid the Squirrel. The person wondering about being a mature student on the GDL, I did it. I can probably answer whatever your question may have been. I would love to help. I remember trying to find out stuff before I began the GDL, and BVC for that matter, and really struggled to find out what I wanted.

For the person searching for 'protracter', I suppose you didn't find what you were looking for. My post on 'Draughting' obviously caught your search, but if you can spell protractor correctly you would do better! Still, in the spirit of helpfulness, I have left you a picture at the top of this post.

So all you visitors, send me an email, post comments, slag me off, have a laugh. Just don't slip in, and slip out never to be heard of again.

Swizz

17 comments:

barboy said...: I was the one Boolean searching for a supply of hard drugs.; 19 November 2008 at 01:57
Hacked Off said...: Nice jokes, best of luck with becoming a Legal Eagle.

Question - would you accept a brief to defend the lovely scum who murdered Peter Connolly?

Best wishes
The Penguin; 19 November 2008 at 05:21
Swiss Tony said...: Hey Penguin, thanks. I like your blog by the way.

Taking a personal view of the scum, no, I couldn't.

Taking a professional view, a barrister has no choice as to the case he is given. It avoids people that do henious crimes being unable to find someone to represent them. If the client tells you they are guilty, then you go with that and cannot claim to the court that they are innocent. If they claim they are innocent, then it is the responsibility of the prosecution to prove that they are guilty.

Of the 3 scum, which one killed him? Could any of them claim to have been innocent? The press witch hunt says no, they are all scum, but does the press often/ever tell the truth?

So, a barrister will take the case, advance any defences given to it by the scum, and the prosecution does all it can to establish that they did kill him.

Where things will go wrong is that it has to be proven beyond all reasonable doubt that one, two or three of them killed him. If they all blame each other, and the forensics can't show which one did it, then they will get away with it. The jury system sucks, although the chances are that all three will be found guilty by any jury. Worst of all, the three of them will be on legal aid, and the legal team will become very rich indeed by the end, thereby gaining a bad name for what is in essence an honest and hardworking professional just doing his job.

i am sure that if you ask any legal professional, personally they would advocate stringing all three up by the balls (Difficult with the mother I admit) and slitting their throats.

Swizz; 19 November 2008 at 06:16
Minx said...: My dear Swizz,

A sage comment indeed with respect to the professional v personal tensions a barrister is subject to on an almost daily basis- pointedly put, If I may say so, particularly with respect to poor wretched liitle baby P such that I am in entire agreement with your personal sentiments. As a Midwife I TIRED of arguing with the pompus politically correct jobsworth socials with respect to care, and this case makes me sick to my stomach. I dont, and never will, trust social workers. EVER.; 19 November 2008 at 07:39
Swiss Tony said...: Minxy, my last contact with a social worker, was when i turned up at Romford County Court with a guy who wanted to see his kids.

The Social Worker had said in her report 'He has been prevented from seeing his children for 3 months and should be able to accept that situation by now'

The poor guy pointed out that the social worker had recently had a baby, and he wondered if he took it from her, just how long it would take her to accept the fact that she couldn't see it.

Interestingly, it was that case which went completely tits up in court and made me decide to see just how difficult it would be to qualify and then I could speak on behalf of those unable to speak clearly, sensibly, or english.

I should have pointed out to P.p.p.p.penguin, that I have no intention of ever doing criminal law. One good reason is I can't see how I would be able to act professionally with a client that I think needs to be strung up... etc etc.

It also helped me to realise that I didn't want to do Family Law, because having managed to get him to see his kids, he felt it was too little, too late, and he was emigrating to Australia instead.

He also admitted to me that he had bought a gun and would have shot his ex-wife, but decided to emigrate instead.

Are there any areas of law which don't involve dealing with people? Blimey, people are weird.

Swizz; 19 November 2008 at 07:51
barboy said...: Am not sure about the comment on being able to blame each other and, therefore, get off. Wasn't the law changed in this respect a few years back to avoid that happening ? (says BB, the worst crim law student on the planet; in which case, the change might just be a figment of my imagination).

Also, I doubt very much that any LSC funded lawyer will get rich on the case. And, even if they did, who would begrudge them some spoils for having to put up with dealing with such scum.; 19 November 2008 at 07:56
Swiss Tony said...: BB, I was thinking that they would get away with murder and admit guilt for manslaughter.

The mother will claim to be terrorised by the 2 men. One of them will blame the other. The third will claim to have never seen the child. And so the merry go round will carry on. How can anyone prove the fatal blow?

And the lawyers would do the case, an appeal, and then off to the jolly old European Courts, with Human Rights infringements etc etc. It will roll and roll.; 19 November 2008 at 08:02
Lost said...: I know how you feel, all these people looking at your site but no-one emailing you!

I get the majority of my page visits from people who have got done from fare evasion, I don't normally even get a thank you for the help I have given them!
Bastards!; 19 November 2008 at 08:23
Barmaid said...: Yes, I can see that unlike the criminal courts, the civil courts are full of fine upstanding individuals who have just had a raw deal out of life and representing them in court each day will be an absolute pleasure and will in no way question your ethics, morality or belief in the fact that justice will always prevail.

Each and every case will of course be a worthy and meritorious and in no way will question just why we embarked on a career in the legal system in the first place. The (perhaps) more than ample fee paid will not sit uncomfortably in our high interest accounts, but will gently rest there as a reminder of what a fine job we did in ensuring that the scales of justice tipped predictably, once again in favour of that fine upstanding client, his tailored suit and expensive cologne worn as a symbol for all to see that he is nothing at all like his counterparts appearing before the crown court.; 19 November 2008 at 12:52
Android said...: Sid the Squirrel - I like that. ;D

In relation to the criminal barrister fees, I thought I'd throw my 50p in. I know how everyone's different blah blah, but a junior provincial Barrister (i.e. not QC, out of London/out of Manchester) with 20 yrs experience said that he got paid £250K for a 6 months trial last year. So I suppose the moral of that story is that if you are dedicated enough... ;D; 19 November 2008 at 14:25
Anonymous said...: Argh that sidebar is terrifying!

Feels like you're watching me...; 25 November 2008 at 01:13
pigogyn said...: Owite Swiss me old mucker? I'm doing me first mini-pupillage this week and been to 2 trials - one Crown and one County, and they were both adjourned. Was never like that on Crown Court! Never heard anyone say: I put it you...; 25 November 2008 at 14:36
Swiss Tony said...: Rock'n Roll, having been informed on good authority by an expert, Bar Boy, apparently the location tells me where the nearest internet server is. Anyone viewing from London shows as Grays, Thurrock! So you are quite safe.

If you knew me better, you would have also known that I only look at the pretty flags anyway.

Piggy, Hi,and welcome. My last Mini comprised being asked to write an opinion when I had no idea how to do one. I did make a list of points I thought were relevant, suggesting that the claimant was a nutter and wasting his time. Having handed that across I fled the scene.

I then did a Criminal trial which the guy pleaded guilty so the day became just an hour or so.

The rest of the week I spent sitting in the waiting room for the clerk to tell me what to do, and despite regular promises that he would get me something REALLY interesting, after keeping me waiting for 2 hours he would tell me to go ad have an early lunch, or go home, but be back tomorrow because I WILL have something REALLY interesting to do.

On the Friday I didn't bother going in.

Look upon it as just a part of the training!

And apply for other Minis too.

Anyway, glad you made yourself known.

Swizz; 25 November 2008 at 22:44
pigogyn said...: what a coincidence! I went in today to be told that i would be going to a 3 day criminal trial and my young barrister would pick me up on the way...half an hour later a clerk told me that my mentor had forgotten to collect me (again!) and that I should go straight to court myself and meet him there. Despite the tempting allure of a full-blown 3 day trial, what happened was that the defendant pleaded guilty to about 90% of the allegations and after a morning of negotiations, the hearing lasted a few mins and the miscreant was admonished and given a conditional discharge. However, despite the lack of courtoom drama (except for the effective use of a long pause by the defendant before pelading "guilty" - very TV drama!), it was good experience in seeing how both sides negotiated and how the barrister interacted with the complainants. So, another early finish! I find all the sitting arounde exhausting. I wonder what tomorrow will have in store?! Something REALLY interesting I hope...; 26 November 2008 at 08:18
Swiss Tony said...: Hey Pigsy, what is it with these scoundrels that commit crimes and then plead guilty. How dare they. Don't they know that we want entertainment!

Fingers crossed you do get something interesting today. I found Minis very exhausting too.

What stage in your training have you got to?

On the matter of finding your barrister at the court, when I did that I spoke to her the evening before, knew what she looked like, but then when I arrived at court there were three barristers, all wigged up, and I couldn't for the life of me tell which one she was!

Swizz; 27 November 2008 at 00:00
pigogyn said...: Yeah! What is it with these people? Deny everything for months on end and as soon as they see some scary people in wigs and black robes they want to admit everything and more. Today was even worse. I wasn't even given a wig to shadow so I sat all on my own for hours on end in cold courtroom while lots of people scooted to and fro for hours on end, and when the thing actually got started, the crim pleaded guilty to a lesser offence and we all went to lunch. Chambers had nothing for me in the afternoon so I went home and watched Judge Judy.
I'm in an inbetween year at the mo. Did my GDL this summer and a little place called De Montfort University. You may have heard of it. And intending to do the BVC next September. So this year I'm cramming it full of experience - well, trying anyway!; 27 November 2008 at 12:16
Swiss Tony said...: Pigsy, I think that there should be a new rule, that pleas cannot be changed if a mini is in the room. They should have more respect.

Send me a mail on swisstony24@yahoo.com as I might be able to give you some advice about the BVC and where to apply

Swizz; 27 November 2008 at 22:31

What is Swiss Doing?

This made Swiss laugh!

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

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