Will I be Barred?: Negotiation

This made Swiss laugh!

One day Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office and said
"Alastair, I have a great idea!
We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Good idea PM. How will we go about it?" said Darling.

"Well," said Brown, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick, and a flat cap.
Oh, and a Labrador too. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a nice old country pub, in 'Much' Something or other, and
we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside...."

"Right PM", said Darling.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off.
Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely
country pub.
With dog at heel they went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord. Two pints of your best ale from the wood please",
said Brown.
"Good evening Prime Minister", said the landlord, "two pints of best it
is - coming up".

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar, contemplating new taxes, and
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back into the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same
procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.
This procedure then continued, with people of all ages and gender
following suit during the next hour or so.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over.
"Tell me", he said, "why do all those people keep coming in to look under
the dog's tail like that?
Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the landlord, "It's just that somebody told them
there was a Labrador in the bar with two arseholes"...

**********

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more aout each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

********

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
Find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."
************

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

********************

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me then' replied the farmer.

******************

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!

*************************

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I
now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a
minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

********************************

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,

'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

*********

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too... You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

***************

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean".

Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fookin locked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin locked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

****************

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

+++++++++++++
A drunk walks into church and makes his way through to the confessional box.

The Priest thinks he should stop him, but then decides that drunks are as entitled to Gods forgiveness as anyone else so watches him enter the box, and then goes into his side to wait for the drunk to reveal his sins.

After five minutes of silence the Priest, deciding that the drunk may have fallen asleep, taps on the wall.

The drunks responds by saying 'Its no good knocking on the wall, there is no paper in this one either'

Monday, 22 September 2008

Negotiation

So we have had lessons in the ancient art of negotiation. Some of the class nearly came to blows, and some came to mind blowingly awful settlements on behalf of the client.

Me? I settled in each of the 6 tasks in about a minute each. And came to the best settlements in the whole class. Therefore, I am worried. Am I the best negotiator since Inspector Frost or was I just lucky? I suspect the latter. I don't think that the Police will be calling on my to resolve hostage situations, or to talk desperate people down from tall buildings.

I read the case, assessed the points that were not agreed, and then decided what a fair settlement would be. Worked the discussion to the point that what I said was fair, so how could you refuse it. If you do refuse it you are an idiot. They accepted it, job done. in fact, I even pushed things to gain more than I thought was fair.

I wonder if my experience with Family Law negotiations has made it seem this simple, or my nagging doubt that I was just lucky and the proper assessed negotiation will be a different kettle of fish and I will lose out completely.

I assumed that there must be something on the course that I will be good at, but now that I may have found it I am suspicious.

I have read all the stuff I can find on negotiation and I have used one approach out of the five suggested. Compromising. (Possibly a little collaborating too). I have yet to try using competing, avoiding or accommodating.

So, other than being argumentative with people and being a complete bully in any discussions I have on a daily basis, such as negotiating the television for the evening rather than just accept that watching re-runs of Strictly Come Dancing is easiest for a quiet life, or insisting that I do not want sausages for dinner, but would prefer steak, and then negotiate a settlement that includes chips. Chips seems good to me whatever comes with it!

What to do? Any suggestions for good books to read, or methods of getting some practice that won't bring me close to divorce or losing all of my business clients and friends?

Swizz

13 comments:

The 50-Year-Old Pupil said...: In my actual negotiation assessment we had an actual student to student negotiation. The main point at issue was when exactly a lease had been surrendered and hence how much rent was owed. I always like to open the discussion so, after setting the agenda, I opened that my client would insist that the lease was surrendered when the keys were pushed through the letter box. I had anticipated that my opponent would repond that the lease was not terminated until the property was relet some 6 months later. Some litigation risk being attached to each side, I had imagined that we would come somewhere down in the middle with me getting the better of it.

Unfortunately, my opponent went to pieces and on my initial gambit just said "Errr, OK then." At this point I went to pieces too.

Opponent got the New York City blues. I got a poor pass.

Opponent subsequently told me that they had been intimidated by the pile of Excel printouts of various scenarios and interest rates that I had in front of me.

Think on young man!; 22 September 2008 at 07:09
barboy said...: It is impossible to negotiate anything with someone who is useless. In real life, you have no choice but to retire and suggest that the other party consider their position. How this plays in a wholly artificial one-off classroom situation, I guess I will find out in due course, but I am wondering whether it is preferable to be paired with a good student. Otherwise, how can you show your own skills ?; 22 September 2008 at 07:39
Swiss Tony said...: BB, I found that the majority of the class wanted to win at all costs. Lines were drawn and there would be no give and take, and total annihilation was the only solution. By the end of each session there was no settlement.

The best students, and by that I mean the most confident ones were worse at giving an inch. The timid students put up no fight at all, or even a decent argument and gave away the crown jewels and the keys to their car, providing they could stop the arguing.

I think a part of it is seeing what is a sensible settlement for your client and achieving it. If you can gain a few more little points then all well and good. I don't think its is about wiping the floor with the other party. Some of them were arguing about whether the agreement should be drawn up in blue or black ink. Thats how bad things were.

Unless of course, I am deceiving myself and I was useless. I do think I am lacking experience in the different stances that could be taken because my usual conciliatory stance always seems to work. I don't want to be a one trick pony. I know that will catch me out, particularly at assessment time, or if I get one of the 'difficult' students.

Swizz; 22 September 2008 at 07:48
The Vinthusiast said...: The key to good negotiation is to understand the strengths and weaknesses of your client's case and to actually be constructive in your approach to your negotiation. They do not want to see tit-for-tat bartering which requires no skill and they certainly don't want to see you go beyond your instructions (instant fail). Neither are they impressed by people who try to drive a hard bargain for the sake of it and who don't recognise that negotiation is inevitably about compromise. If you are able to set out what your offer is and why you think your client's position is strong enough to warrant what you are asking for, then you will stand a good chance. Do not allow yourself to get into a pointless debate about intricate legal issues - the whole point of a negotiation is to avoid exactly that. The quality of your opponent will to some extent dictate the quality of your performance, but not completely. If your opponent caves in at the slightest whiff of an offer there is nothing you can do about that, but you can make sure that you settle the detail of any agreement and make sure your assessor knows that you have covered every angle. Hope this helps... AD :-); 22 September 2008 at 08:38
barboy said...: Swiss, out of curiosity, how do the ages of the different students impact on approach. Just a guess, but is it the younger ones who tend towards the more enthusisatic but unrealistic end of the spectrum, whereas the older students are those that adopt the more measured or pragmatic approach.; 22 September 2008 at 09:37
Swiss Tony said...: AD, thanks for your insight. It would seem that I am probably quite good at negotiation then! I am unsure just how much practice we will get before the assessment, but hopefully I will get to test a few other approaches so that they sink into my thick head.

BB, funnily enough, everyone seems to be young from where I am standing! There are 3 of the group who I would say are a bit more gobby than the rest, and who are more confident. They were the worst. One of the negotiations was between two of the gobshites,, and that was the one that was arguing about the colour pen to use!

Maybe my maturity is helping. It is nice to not be struggling to follow things, which I did all through the GDL.

Anyway, you will be pleased to know that tonight I will be eating steak and chips in front of the telly, and it will be a rerun of Top Gear! I dare anyone to try arguing with me!

Swizz; 22 September 2008 at 10:08
Anonymous said...: If you have an idiot you need to say contrived sh*t like "well thats good that you agree, I did have some compromises prepared (these will be in your plan) but as we have settled I am sure my client will be greatful". However if you do get an idiot then you are still screwed to a certain extent though as no matter how good you cold still get throw off by moronic comments such as "did the dog see you" or "what is the claim again"?

But this isnt an issue at COL of BPP as you get practitioners in your assessment not other students.

As with all these contrived situations (from the marks of some of my cohort it seems) you can be brilliant all the way along and cr*p on the day, or rubbish all along and ace the day!!! I personaly think the assesment should be best out of 3.; 22 September 2008 at 10:45
Mr Pineapples said...: Here's some thoughts which might help:

Negotiation is not winning the battle - outwitting the other side and gaining a massive advantage....that is litigation in the raw - dont forget that you are trying to show how you can negotiate.

In the final assessment they wont be marking you on whether you "won" - but on how you negotiated - which includes listening skills - getting to the point - planning your time - and coming up with solutions and suggestions. Even if the other side dont like your solutions - the fact that you have offered them is good.

So easy to get embroiled on legal issues - so at the very start say something like:

"We have a legal point we can discuss -can we limit this to 5 minutes and then move on."

You are not there to discuss law - which you will not agree on - but to negotiate a workable settlement.

So plan out the areas you will cover and stick to it. Show the assessor that you are sticking to the plan.

Amen

P has spoken; 23 September 2008 at 13:32
Poppy said...: I detested negotiation at the BVC and never once truly understood what a good negotiation in the eyes of the college came down to... Getting a good result for your client, if not "fair", would result in you being marked down, only using one technique which avoided hectoring your opponent meant you would get marked down, asking questions at the beginning would get you marked down, asking questions during it would get you marked down... A friend who came second in the national negotiation competition barely scraped a VC on the college marking systems - which seemed to add weight to my irritation. Negotiation is such an important skill for a barrister, but so badly taught in my opinion.

LL; 24 September 2008 at 04:13
Mel said...: I think it's a hard skill to teach, and each place seems to teach a slightly different approach. At my uni, it was a very softly softly 'let's all shake hands and play nice' approach, while on a vac scheme we were told to be much more goal-oriented (than relationship oriented).

The mature students at uni, particularly a worldly chap with lots of life experience as yourself tended to do really well, and so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this was your strong point. Negotiation is just people skills, and being able to see the wood for the trees - and clearly, you have that in buckets.; 24 September 2008 at 13:38
Mr Pineapples said...: MEL

STOP CRAWLING AND SUCKING UP

IT'S SOOO EMBARASSING; 28 September 2008 at 13:35
Mel said...: Hehe. It's called accentuating the positive, Pineapples! And it's true...; 28 September 2008 at 15:51
Android said...: Go Tony! Get the highest grade for Negotiation in the end, you can do it :); 30 September 2008 at 15:12

What is Swiss Doing?

This made Swiss laugh!

Monday, 22 September 2008

Negotiation

13 comments:

Swiss Tony - Profile

Swiss's Favourite Blogs

FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed

Blog Archive