Monday, 15 September 2008

The Yoof of today

Waiting on the local train station this evening, I noticed a yoof speaking on his mobile.

'I know who he f***ing is and I will f***ing kill the little f***er. If he f***ing touches my f***ing bruvver I will f***ing kill him. I will defend my f***ing bruvver to the death.

'Nah mate, I can't tell you 'is f***ing name cos some bloke is ere listening and if 'e reads in the f***ing papers tomorrow that the little f***er is dead he will know it was f***ing me wot done it like'

'Yeah, thats f***ing right mate, I will nip 'ome and get me f***ing baseball bat and f***ing smash his head it. I will f***ing bury him I f***ing will.'

The surprising thing is that having listened to this little tirade, the part i found most disturbing was that he was going to kill him with a baseball bat and not a knife.

Obviously knife crime is on the wane. There will be a new law before Christmas banning people from walking about with sports equipment in public.

So if I read tomorrow that some f***er has had his head stoved in by an unknown assailant with a baseball bat, I won't be able to describe the yoof, remember that at 5.15 he was on Platform 4 and caught the train to the coast, all of which was caught by CCTV.

Yoof. Don't you just love 'em.


Bar Boy said...

Tut, modern kids. What's wrong with a pick-axe handle like in the good old days.

The language, though, is about on par with my fledgling attempts at advovacy. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, practising my plea in mitigation, will go down as one of the more knob-end moments of my life.

Law Minx said...

Such DELIGHTFUL young men! It really does reinforce ones general desire to become a SOLEY criminal practitioner. Not.....!

BB - and Swizz, since this is his blog after all! - try standing in front of a camcorder to do deliver your submissions; that way you will have a record of your practice runs and a chance to observe any unconscious mannerisms that you may have - e.g swaying like a tree in a high wind, fiddling with a pen, waving your hands about,jingling the change in your pockets, or the number of times you say "erm" or "Ummmmm" without realising it. This is a surprisingly cathartic and useful exercise since you will be video taped during your practicals in any event!

Swiss Tony said...

BB, if I am ever standing in front of the bathroom mirror practising anything it would be my Charles Atlas impersonation.

Minxy, erm, I desperately hope that when I am, erm, in court defending the good reputation of someone that I am not, erm, fiddling with anything in my pockets.

We have been given a poem to read out so that we can inject some life, rhythm, style, projection and voice control into our advocacy. On my own I was fantastic. A real Luuuvie, I could have been auditioning for the next James Bond film. As soon as I tried it in front of someone I was so self concious I couldn't even have got a part on the Clangers.

Tell you what, I will read the papers closely this morning looking for a dead yoof with half a baseball bat sticking out of his head, and then phone the BBC news team so I can do my pitch on the telly, and then you can all pass comment (nicely please) on how many erms, arghs, stutters and ooohs I say, and if I can be seen fiddling in my pockets.

I don't do things by half's you know!


Law Minx said...

Swizz, you are INCORRIGABLE!! :)

Despite the zeal with which my provider determines to stamp out the word "Erm" and "Um" from the English Vocabulary it is to their frustration that both turns of phrase are actively employed at all levels of the bar, PARTICULARLY among Leading Counsel.
I once followed a reknowned Silk through a case in the Court of Appeal as part of a Mini, and was astonished at the number of times he dropped "um" into the argument - 42 times in 10 minutes. Go Figure.....!

Lost said...

I don't know why the fuckers want to stop us saying "umm" its part of human conditioning to make some kind of spazzy noise when we are stuck for an answer, its a natural reaction.

Advocacy should be practical, not shewing off points because you have said too many "ums" in your half decent submission. F'ing umophobes.

Whats the difference between your providers then?

When reading out in public I tend to put on an even posher voice than usual, so I sound slightly more authorative.

Swiss Tony said...

Lost, Year and years ago I was on jury service on a murder trial. The prosecution was a very boring old grumpy man, he ermed and urred all the way through and was dreadful to listen to.

The defence was a smart blonde bird who was animated, interesting and confident.

The jury found the man innocent. I am sure it wasn't purely because his barrister was blonde and wore short skirts! OK, that was my reasoning, but I don't think the others were as shallow as me.

I can see that good public speaking is important, and although a few erms are acceptable you do need to be confident in speaking.

As for accents, I prefer to put on a Norfolk accent, and throw in a few 'Get orf my land's

The difference between our providers is that Bar Boy picked the wrong one!


Law Minx said...

I cannot help but wonder if the fact that the "Smart Bird" was Blonde played a part with respect to deliberations in the Jury Room.

BTW, do you mean "smart" as in mega intelligent or "smart" as in attractive?!?

Swiss Tony said...

Minxy, you just don't seem to follow the male line of reasoning do you. I can tell you have never been down the pub with the boys.

Smart in any woman has no relevance whatsoever to their intelligence, although I presume you guessed that already.

Whilst I will admit that as a barrister she was not short of a few brain cells, she was darn good looking, in those short skirts, white blousey thing and gown. The wig was small enough to allow her golden locks to tenderly caress her shoulders and she was a bit of a corker. As she walked towards the jury box her gown would flap open and reveal her long legs......., Oooooh.

Jury deliberations decided on an innocent verdict because rain was looming and the girlies wanted to rush home and get their washing in before the heavens opened.

Don't you just love British Justice.

By the way, stunning blonde or not, I felt he was innocent. poor chap couldn't help attacking his wife with a knife. Some women can just drive you up the wall. (Not blondes though)

Law Minx said...

Nope. I just don't get it. Never have, never will. Does this then make me a token blonde!?!?