Friday, 1 May 2009

Swine Fever and OLPAS Fruits

Swiss is a worried man. Yes, truly worried.

Listening to the radio during breakfast this morning, he nearly choked on his bacon sarnie. Swine fever is at pandemic proportions. Apparently, the honeymooning coupe who first caught it have recovered and gone home, but they passed the lurgy to a friend who is now in hospital.

The figures announced were that FIVE are in hospital, but they still expect 750,000 deaths, and 1.5 Million hospital admissions. Swiss doesn't like to swear, but what the fuck? What sort of distortion of a story is that?

Knowing that the media have been allowed into Family Courts, he wonders at the sort of stories they will come up with for cases they are allowed to see, but are not allowed to report on. (What the fuck?)

Swiss allowed his mind to wander at how reporting would appear in the newspapers and on radio for the OLPAS Fruity Pupillage Portal. He can imagine reports of 250 Million applications being made for only 5 places. The Ministry of Justice has reported a Pandemic and the imminent collapse of justice in this country. All Judges will wear masks, and defendants will appear in Court in isolation tanks whipped from hospitals due to the risk of spreading disease. Solicitor Advoctes will be shipped to Mexico (so not all bad news then) and bacon sarnies will no longer be served in Court canteens.

The government will legislate on pork chops and dogs will no longer be allowed to eat pigs ears. Any child with a bedroom looking like a pig sty will be sent to a Youth Detention Centre until they mend their ways. Members of Parliament will be given an allowance for setting up decontamination facilities at their first, second and third homes.

Anyone caught giving a child a piggy back ride in public will be given an on the spot fine for £5000. If they are talking on their mobile at the time they will be shot.

You may wonder why Swiss is worried? He has heard that Gordon Brown, stateman, world saver and marvel of government has taken charge. Be worried. Be very worried. It is slowly dawning on Swiss why it is actually possible that what is currently only 5 people with the sniffles could result in 750,000 deaths. Gordon is dealing with it.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Swiss was emailed this article which has been released by the Bar Council.

"The Pupillage Portal has had its deadline extended. Whilst we accept that it has been open for applications for over a month, and we are seeking applicants with a bit of common sense to not wait until the deadline before crashing the system, potential barristers who understand the need to be prepared, to manage their time so that they can do what's important, to prioritise their lives, to bloody well meet deadlines, we will give them another days grace."

Swiss has said it before, he will say it again, 'what the fuck?'



Michael said...

Wise words, Swiss. Particularly love the dig at solicitor advocates! :D

barmaid said...

Since listening to a radio broadcast yesterday *hic* in which a doctor said that alcoholic preparations are very good at killing off flu germs *hic*, I have taken hish advishhe and am now shtarting to feel shoo mush better about it all *hic, aitchooo, giggle*.

Swiss Tony said...

Ah BM, that explains a lot. I bet the 'infected' flight from Mexico was Ryanair. If it had been a proper airline with free drinks, the virus would have been sorted before takeoff, especially with all those Scots on board.

Michael, I am not actually sure of my position on Solicitor Advocates, but realise I had better think of an opinion quick in case I do get an interview and they ask me.

I may wait until it happens before wasting too much thought on the matter though. Its a Bank Holiday, its sunny, and I am off to Brighton to fight on the beach! I remember when Quadrophenia came out in 1979 and I loved it. I watched it again last year, and apart from Leslie Ash getting rogered in the back alley, (Whey hey, easy tiger) it did nothing for me. I must be getting old!


Law Minx said...

WHY am I not surprised that the wretched portal thing crashed on deadline day?! The self SAME thing happened last year, and will probably happen NEXT year unless the technobods decide to prepare for or do something to stop it, which is HIGHLY unlikely - arrrrrgh!!

Its SUNNY where you are?!It is comprehensively CHUCKING it down here! *waaaah*!!!

Mel said...

It's sunny here! Gloriously sunny. Sun kills bugs too, doesn't it? Bleaches them into the germ-afterlife. Sun + alcohol = super duper protection against swine flu.

QED- Pimms in the Park it is then!

Sneezing heavily on the tube is a funny way to spook people around you.

(Mind you I wouldn't mind if there were less bacony porky type things on menus and in canteens. Makes it jolly hard for people who do not eat pig when chefs insist that everything needs lardons.)

Bar Boy said...

Swiss, I hope you don't kiss your mother with that potty mouth.