Will I be Barred?: GDL in 28 days

This made Swiss laugh!

One day Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office and said
"Alastair, I have a great idea!
We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Good idea PM. How will we go about it?" said Darling.

"Well," said Brown, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick, and a flat cap.
Oh, and a Labrador too. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a nice old country pub, in 'Much' Something or other, and
we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside...."

"Right PM", said Darling.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off.
Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely
country pub.
With dog at heel they went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord. Two pints of your best ale from the wood please",
said Brown.
"Good evening Prime Minister", said the landlord, "two pints of best it
is - coming up".

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar, contemplating new taxes, and
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back into the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same
procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.
This procedure then continued, with people of all ages and gender
following suit during the next hour or so.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over.
"Tell me", he said, "why do all those people keep coming in to look under
the dog's tail like that?
Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the landlord, "It's just that somebody told them
there was a Labrador in the bar with two arseholes"...

**********

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more aout each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

********

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
Find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."
************

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

********************

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me then' replied the farmer.

******************

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!

*************************

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I
now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a
minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

********************************

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,

'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

*********

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too... You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

***************

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean".

Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fookin locked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin locked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

****************

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

+++++++++++++
A drunk walks into church and makes his way through to the confessional box.

The Priest thinks he should stop him, but then decides that drunks are as entitled to Gods forgiveness as anyone else so watches him enter the box, and then goes into his side to wait for the drunk to reveal his sins.

After five minutes of silence the Priest, deciding that the drunk may have fallen asleep, taps on the wall.

The drunks responds by saying 'Its no good knocking on the wall, there is no paper in this one either'

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

GDL in 28 days

Have you seen those massive computer books telling you that it is easy to learn Visual Basic in 21 days, or Windows programming in 28 days?

Well, I have done the GDL in 28 days!

How is that possible I hear you ask. Piece of cake. Even better than that, each of the core subjects has been done in 24 hours!

Crikey Moses.

The Graduate Diploma in Law is a conversion course to take you from a degree in anything to a degree in law. I noticed that I think its Nottingham, if you do the LPC or BVC with them you automatically get the LLB to use after your name. If you haven't already get a degree like me, you can obtain a 'Certificate of Academic Standing' from either the Law Society or Bar Council to get you onto the course.

The GDL comprises Criminal law, Tort, Land, European, Public, Contract and Equity's and trusts. You also have to do a 5000 word research project.

How did I do it all in 28 days?

Distance learning. Not for the faint hearted (I have since discovered), and between September and June you attend 4 weekends covering 4 subjects in year 1 and 3 plus the project in year 2. Each weekend is 4 days with a day on each subject. So by a simple arithmetic calculation, 4 days on each subject multiplied by 7 subjects makes 28 days of lectures.

Each day of lectures is 6 hours, split into 4 sessions of an hour and a half, so each subject is completed in 24 hours!

Don't go thinking that anyone could sit through 24 hours in one stretch though! I often found that 3 hours into a lecture only 30 minutes had passed! Its a nightmare, cramming so much information into such a short space of time, and if you allow your concentration to wander just for a second, you are lost. After a day of lectures my brain hurts. After a weekend, it can no longer function. I am temporarily unable to speak, compose any thoughts, let alone undertake the 3 hour drive home!

I will admit, in addition to the lecture weekends a lot of research, reading, and writing assignments is required, and although they suggest 15 hours a week is needed, I don't think I ever did more than 3 a week. Now I am approaching the exams I will be spending every spare minute studying something or another, but essentially its not been a difficult road, albeit tiring, slightly interesting, and more than a little gutty.

Distance Learning is great with the social life, drinks, dinners, having a laugh, but on the downside, you are pretty much removed and detached from things. The lecturers have been excellent, offering their time to help selflessly, but I have only ever thought to approach them once or twice for help. (Maybe I should have done with Equity's and trusts!)

So there you have it, essentially a law degree in 28 days!

Now I must go and lie down. Its been a difficult weekend!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...: My GOD, Tone, you put us ALL to shame!!!! I thought my workload was reasonably crippling but you have elevated the the study of law to a place which goes beyond the surreal!!!!!
(PS: have you thought about patenting your study method and flogging it to interested parties!?!?); 6 May 2008 at 08:15
Android said...: WOW. Like Minxy said, I thought my life was tough. Being such a dedicated person, I'm sure your will fly through your exams right onto the BVC!

By the way, at some BVC providers you can even put LLM after your name ;) (although I've heard that BPP charge you extra for that).; 7 May 2008 at 14:03
Swiss Tony said...: LM, not forgetting that I usually work 50-60 hours a week too, it does make for a busy life!

I liked the idea of the LLM, but from what I could see you need 120 units, and the BVC will give you 60 units if done at BPP, and 40 if done at CofL. Both charge a heap load of money on top of that.

It was something I was definitely going to do, now it is a possibility. I suppose if the pupillage remains illusive it could be something to do, although I am not so sure anymore. I may try evening classes in pottery instead.; 7 May 2008 at 23:57
Fiona said...: I see you not only did you do the GDL in 28 days but you've mastered links on your blog. Careful now, don't over do it!; 14 May 2008 at 19:17
Law Girl said...: Trooper! The only way I can get through lectures is a dictaphone ao that if my concentration goes I can finish the lecture at home. You are uber-dedicated!; 28 May 2008 at 18:11
Lineker said...: Swiss Tony,

Congratulations on clocking the GDL in 24 days!

I found your blog whilst looking for information about the Certificate of Academic Standing.

I too am looking to start the GDL, and want to apply for a Certificate of Academic Standing from the Solicitors Regulation Authority.

Can you tell me roughly what level of information needs to be included in the letter of application?

I envisaged a formal letter firstly outlining what I'm asking for, and then a series of competency-based paragraphs outlining some areas of skills such as research projects I've worked on, project management experience etc. together with a CV.

Does this sound right? How many pages was your letter?

Any information would be very much appreciated.

Regards; 28 July 2009 at 03:46
Swiss Tony said...: Lineker,

If you can email me, I will try and send you my application.

I know I have it somewhere round here, underneath a pile of papers on stuff.

I ended up getting one from the Sols and one from the Bar Council, so it can't have been too difficult!

Email adress at the top left of the blog

Swizz; 28 July 2009 at 08:38
Eva said...: A GDL in 24 days? I just hope my parents never hear of this or they'll not be happy at the cost and amount of time my Graduate Diploma in Law course at Kaplan is taking...and you work 50-60 hours a week. You are testament to what is possible. I hope never to be up against you for a job interview. Or have you as a boss. Or work anywhere you work.; 12 January 2012 at 07:07

What is Swiss Doing?

This made Swiss laugh!

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

GDL in 28 days

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