Will I be Barred?: March 2010

This made Swiss laugh!

One day Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office and said
"Alastair, I have a great idea!
We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Good idea PM. How will we go about it?" said Darling.

"Well," said Brown, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick, and a flat cap.
Oh, and a Labrador too. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a nice old country pub, in 'Much' Something or other, and
we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside...."

"Right PM", said Darling.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off.
Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely
country pub.
With dog at heel they went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord. Two pints of your best ale from the wood please",
said Brown.
"Good evening Prime Minister", said the landlord, "two pints of best it
is - coming up".

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar, contemplating new taxes, and
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back into the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same
procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.
This procedure then continued, with people of all ages and gender
following suit during the next hour or so.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over.
"Tell me", he said, "why do all those people keep coming in to look under
the dog's tail like that?
Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the landlord, "It's just that somebody told them
there was a Labrador in the bar with two arseholes"...

**********

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more aout each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

********

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
Find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."
************

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

********************

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me then' replied the farmer.

******************

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!

*************************

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor
asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I
now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a
minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

********************************

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,

'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

*********

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too... You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

***************

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean".

Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fookin locked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin locked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

****************

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

+++++++++++++
A drunk walks into church and makes his way through to the confessional box.

The Priest thinks he should stop him, but then decides that drunks are as entitled to Gods forgiveness as anyone else so watches him enter the box, and then goes into his side to wait for the drunk to reveal his sins.

After five minutes of silence the Priest, deciding that the drunk may have fallen asleep, taps on the wall.

The drunks responds by saying 'Its no good knocking on the wall, there is no paper in this one either'

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Crime and punishment

Swiss is shocked

Only today, whilst touring a local Court with his mobile shoe shine business (Franchises available), he was kicking back and just looking about.

The above photo was taken on the steps of the Court. It was todays misfits and miscreants dragging themsleves out of bed to face truth, justice and to repay society for their misdeeds. You can see they are dressed to impress the Court, they are humble, embarrassed and nervous. They clearly don't want to be there, and regret whatever it was they did.

Fat bloke next to Swiss, talking to 'is missis, commented 'This is the first time I have been in Court and not seen none of my mates about' Is this really what the country has come to. Why can't we bring back the birch and sort these wasters out once and for all. Beat any thoughts of criminal behaviour out of them rather than treat them with kid gloves. How may times has that toe rag been in Court, how many of his mates have been in Court, and why is he back for more. Give him a kicking, and then shoot him. That will stop whatever it is he is up to.

Rather attractive blonde (you know Swiss is a sucker for blondes) walked nervously up to reception and says she is there for a declaration for something. She was posh, well dressed, nervous and a little scared. Reception guy says 'Oh don't worry, go over there, sign a form and you can go, nothing to worry about. Bloody hell, talk about make it all easy for them. Swiss would have bigged it up a bit, put the shits up her, and seen her crying before letting her go and sign the form.

Swiss was in a Court in a fairly affluent area of the country, but the customers were all pretty much trashy, dirty, smelly oiks. Funnily enough, one of the trashy, dirty and smelly oiks happened to be a Court Clerk, so maybe the area wasn't as affluent as he thought!

Swiss is shocked. Really, he is.

What is Swiss Doing?

This made Swiss laugh!

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Crime and punishment

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