Monday, 21 February 2011

Mistaken Identity

Swiss is shocked.

Since being Called, and finished at CofL, collected his certificate for face painting and plasticine, things seems to have been less amusing and blogable, for which Swiss is almost apologetic, but having get drunk with Bar Boy, and promised he would carry on blogging, he realises that if he blogs, he blogs, and if he doesn't, then sod it.

Yet, only last week, in a County Court within the M25, Swiss was shocked to the very core of his being, in an event that he felt was worthy of mention, if only because Swiss feels that Blogging has given him a certain level of amusement over the years, and its worth sticking with it. (If the material presents itself)

It is worth mentioning at this point that Swiss has in interest in Family Law, and for quite some time has been pitching up in Courts across this fair and unpleasant land assisting Litigants-in-person who are facing the ordeal of trying to persuade a Judge that they really should be allowed to see their children, and that all those nasty things being said about them are either untrue, exagerated, or in some cases, to be worn with pride. I suppose it depends on whats being said, but when a ex-wife says that returning from work her ex-husband would grab her tits and make honking noises, you have to be honest and admit that yes you did it, but if you didn't you wish you had.

Its probably also worth mentioning at this point that due to the way the system works, (yes, surprisingly it does work) it is usually the father that is having the problems, although mothers do have their share of problems on occasion too. Swiss is happy to hold a fathers hand in Court, but when its mothers, he is delighted to hold their hand, but finds it difficult to repress the urge to make those honking noises!

Anyway, on the day in question, Swiss was with Mr Metalaumbongo, who isn't a native of these shores, but spent his youth in Somalia herding goats. He is a nice bloke, seven foot tall, beads around his neck, a protractor under his bottom lip, carries a spear and wears a loincloth and a goat skin over his shoulder, chuckles a lot, and seems an unlikely candidate for the honking allegation.

Swiss trots into Court with Mr Metalaumbongo, sits next to him so that he can whisper in his ear, having consulted his Somali phrasebook, and we settle down to see justice dispensed. (the Family Law variety which is not to be confused with anything you will have learned in your law degree)

The Judge comes in, and this is where it became strange.

He looked at Swiss, right in his twinkly blue eyes, the eyes which are embedded in a face which is usually as white as someone who's heritage has been English for at least 500 years, who needs to apply Factor 50 everyday between April and September, who would dissapear if he stood against a white wall, who is used by Dulux to sell paint, with their new brand of 'Swiss white', who dare not go skiing incase he got lost in a snow drift and was never found again, and said:

'So Mr Metalumbongo, I see you have been in Somalia for the last 2 months'

Bear in mind that sitting next to Swiss is the real Mr Metalaumbongo, resplendant in beads, loincloth, spear, shield, 2 goats and an urn of water on his head.

Swiss's mouth opened and closed a few times, looked at the real Mr Metalaumbongo, and wondered, 'Why did I go through all those years of studying to do this?'

Shocking, thats what it is.



Minx said...


I'm so glad to see you havent deserted the ether ( if you hadn't posted by the end of this month I was going to email you. Truth.)!!

Family Law eh? Seems to me you need the patience of job and the skills of a top level diplomat just to try and keep everyone from killing everyone else ( and that includes the judges!)

I take my hat off to you, sir!

(ps: please, PLEASE keep blogging! you have been badly missed!!)

barboy said...

Swizzle, good to read you are still taking the family law courts by storm. Had a call from Waller LJ the other day, asking when you were next going to visit him for a play date ? I sense that others in the appeal court have failed, to date, to adopt your advanced advocacy technique of offering the Bench to share your latest colouring-in book.

Swiss Tony said...


Hugs back. I don't believe the email threat at all, because you send me daily emails trying to sell me Viagra as it is.

Family Law is OK if you learn how to avoid the steely eyed glares, and childish behaviour of both parties. Being a big kid, and trained by CofL in childish things it suits me down to the ground.

BB, I am glad you like my style of getting the bench to join in with the colouring in. It got me through CofL, and it is certainly a novel approach which has paid dividends.

One High Court Judge has booked me to go and play with him during the Easter holidays. He was given Mousetrap for Xmas and needs help in learning how to set it up and how to play. He said he could tell I was the best choice to fulfill that role.

I did have a weird post my a Margarette which was either spam, or she failed to read anything I had said. It was an improvement on Mr Chan and his Chinese posts, but it seems to have disappeared somewhere.

It appears I am going to the Pupillage Fair this year. Not to get a Pupillage, but to get drunk afterwards, Any other interested parties join the queue.


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