Monday, 21 February 2011

Mistaken Identity

Swiss is shocked.

Since being Called, and finished at CofL, collected his certificate for face painting and plasticine, things seems to have been less amusing and blogable, for which Swiss is almost apologetic, but having get drunk with Bar Boy, and promised he would carry on blogging, he realises that if he blogs, he blogs, and if he doesn't, then sod it.

Yet, only last week, in a County Court within the M25, Swiss was shocked to the very core of his being, in an event that he felt was worthy of mention, if only because Swiss feels that Blogging has given him a certain level of amusement over the years, and its worth sticking with it. (If the material presents itself)

It is worth mentioning at this point that Swiss has in interest in Family Law, and for quite some time has been pitching up in Courts across this fair and unpleasant land assisting Litigants-in-person who are facing the ordeal of trying to persuade a Judge that they really should be allowed to see their children, and that all those nasty things being said about them are either untrue, exagerated, or in some cases, to be worn with pride. I suppose it depends on whats being said, but when a ex-wife says that returning from work her ex-husband would grab her tits and make honking noises, you have to be honest and admit that yes you did it, but if you didn't you wish you had.

Its probably also worth mentioning at this point that due to the way the system works, (yes, surprisingly it does work) it is usually the father that is having the problems, although mothers do have their share of problems on occasion too. Swiss is happy to hold a fathers hand in Court, but when its mothers, he is delighted to hold their hand, but finds it difficult to repress the urge to make those honking noises!

Anyway, on the day in question, Swiss was with Mr Metalaumbongo, who isn't a native of these shores, but spent his youth in Somalia herding goats. He is a nice bloke, seven foot tall, beads around his neck, a protractor under his bottom lip, carries a spear and wears a loincloth and a goat skin over his shoulder, chuckles a lot, and seems an unlikely candidate for the honking allegation.

Swiss trots into Court with Mr Metalaumbongo, sits next to him so that he can whisper in his ear, having consulted his Somali phrasebook, and we settle down to see justice dispensed. (the Family Law variety which is not to be confused with anything you will have learned in your law degree)

The Judge comes in, and this is where it became strange.

He looked at Swiss, right in his twinkly blue eyes, the eyes which are embedded in a face which is usually as white as someone who's heritage has been English for at least 500 years, who needs to apply Factor 50 everyday between April and September, who would dissapear if he stood against a white wall, who is used by Dulux to sell paint, with their new brand of 'Swiss white', who dare not go skiing incase he got lost in a snow drift and was never found again, and said:

'So Mr Metalumbongo, I see you have been in Somalia for the last 2 months'

Bear in mind that sitting next to Swiss is the real Mr Metalaumbongo, resplendant in beads, loincloth, spear, shield, 2 goats and an urn of water on his head.

Swiss's mouth opened and closed a few times, looked at the real Mr Metalaumbongo, and wondered, 'Why did I go through all those years of studying to do this?'

Shocking, thats what it is.


Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Swiss is Shocked

Swiss is shocked

Look what he has just found in his Spam folder.

If there is one good thing to be said about Yahoo, it certainly recognises crap when it sees it:

Following many months of research and visiting thousands of law blogs from around the world, the team at have now identified what we deem to be the best law blogs on the internet based upon quality, relevancy, content and reputation.

As we feel the content of your blog fits the high standard and quality wishes to offer, we wish to formally invite you to become a valued contributor of the site for the benefit of the global legal community

The day that Swiss Tony starts to post anything that is relevant, has quality anywhere associated with it, or fits anybodies high standards, is the day that Bar Boy will start to wear long trousers.

It just not going to happen is it.

It begs the question, are all Solicitors the same, or is it just this bunch of chancers?

Bloody amateurs!

To be honest, Swiss can't even be bothered to be shocked anymore.


Thursday, 28 October 2010

Scholarship offer

Swiss is shocked.

So shocked in fact, that he can hardly contain himself.

Perusing T'internet, and more especially the very fine blog of Simon Myerson QC, he spotted something that gave him a wizard wheeze of an idea, which laid in Swisses emptyish head, became fueled by 5 pints of Doom Bar, (a real ale with Toffee overtones, although whilst Swiss thought that it might be like drinking a pint with a Curley Wurley in the bottom, after 5 pints all taste sensations had gone), but BINGO, the idea came to fruition.

SM QC had donated £300 to the Middle Temple(?) scholarship fund, and Swiss thought that he would do a similar thing, but create the Swiss Tony Scholarship for Mature Students.

Oh yes, what a wheeze.

Incidentally, last week, although hell hadn't frozen over, and no piggies had been seen flying anywhere, the impossible happened, Swiss was Called.

Ha ha, now its you thats shocked!

Anyway, Swiss listened intently at the ceremony as each person was called. The one in line in front of Swiss was called:

Tarquin Posonby, Bachelor of Law, Oxford University, Bachelor of Science, Cambridge, King Henry the Eighth Scholarship, Master of Law, Toronto University, Upper Class twat, Eton.

Then It was Swisses turn

Swiss Tony, GCSE Maths, (Grade C), Comprehensive School, Tufty Club member.

Swiss felt slightly flat.

Whilst being presented with a certificate, which to be honest was a cut above the CofL offering, and is now proudly hanging in the downstairs toilet at Swiss Towers, HRH Princess Anne winked at Swiss, raised an eyebrow and said 'Alright Swiss, howzit going?'

Swiss was a little puzzled because from what he saw throughout the ceremony, he was the only person that HRH high fived.


Following on from the scholarship idea, Swiss made enquiries, checked with the bank, made the funds available, composed a certificate for the winner of the scholarship, (And the lucky winner will be the proud owner of a REAL certificate with glitter and everything), and put the call through to the Treasurer of Inner Temple with his once in a life time offer of the scholarship fund.

Swiss is shocked.

Where did the Treasurer learn such words?

OK, so calling out Felicity Parker-Smythe, Swiss Tony Scholarship for old fags, each year might be a bit of a mouthful, but wash your mouth out sir with soap and water, that kind of language is reserved for Mummy Swiss when she has had too much to drink.

Swiss is shocked.

If anyone fancies applying for the fund, which is guaranteed to be a life changing scholarship of £25 (things are a bit tight at the moment), all enquiries via this blog.

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

The crayons have come back to bite Swiss in the arse

Swiss is shocked.

Having spent two years at CofL attending regularly at weekends to do crayoning, papermache models and basket weaving, playing in the sandpit and graduating to potato painting and even felt pens, it has finally dawned on Swiss what it was all about.

Throughout the course, the brightest and best students were whisked off to a special room in the deepest darkest recess of CofL to do 'Special work' Swiss obviously never was selected, but the rumour was that they were playing with a John Bull printing set. Swiss feels all nostalgic and excited just typing those words!

Having passed the course, well, scrapped through, but who cares, its done, Postman Pat delivers a fine A4 envelope, with DO NOT BEND across it, and a CofL frank.

Wow, this is exciting.

Swiss gingerly opens the envelope, withdraws the content, and stands back in amazement.

Swiss is shocked.

In his hands, shaking with excitement is a certificate for passing the course. Confirmation that he is a Barrister (well, in 3 weeks time he will be) and that he is a thoroughly good egg all round.

Swiss is shocked.

Did a first year student make the certificate with the John Bull printing set? Its the most useless and uninspiring certificate Swiss has ever seen.Swiss has spent his life achieving the impossible and collecting certificates to prove his worth. All lined up on his wall, ranging from his 25metre swimming certificate, his cycling proficiency, and pride of place, his membership of the Tufty club all look a darn sight more impressive than this shoddy piece of work.

Swiss can only hope that when he is Called next month, that they present him with some form of super dooper certificate to make amends for the pile of pooh that CofL think justifies passing the course. He is thinking a bit of gold leaf, a ribbon, copperplate script and a badge.

Hang your heads CofL. Its not good enough.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

The Annual Blog Conference 2010

Swiss is shocked.

Once again, the top bloggers across the globe have met to discuss the future of blogging, how to assist law students by providing better and more informative posts, how to solve global poverty, and the price of crisps. And not one of them told Swiss they were meeting.

At the Presidential Suite at Inner Temple, last Monday at 7pm, the conference kicked off with a champagne reception, with nibbles, and the participants were led into the dining room promptly at 8.00 to the sound of a big gong thing.

It was generally accepted that the dinner conversation was in the main polite and dignified, although Law Minx was seen to stand up and shout 'Whats this bloody microwave jacket potato all about then?' as she threw it with a remarkably skilful spinball that anyone in the Pakistan Cricket team would have been proud of, directly at the Head Chef, knocking his chefs hat off and into the soup course.

The second course of carrot and parsley soup was canceled, not just because of the chefs hat, but also because Barmaid had coaxed Hercules, her pride and joy of a full 25 hands and plated mane, to carry her in a rendition of Lady Godiva to the inner sanctum of Inner, where he promptly ate all the carrots. Parsley soup is naff, and so the meal proceeded to the main course of Beef Wellington.

Barboy, (why does he insist on wearing short trousers to these functions) cried at this point because everyone laughed when he asked for his meat to be cut up into smaller pieces.

Andropov, who admittedly by this stage was worse the wear for Vodka, tried to help out, as she is kind like that, but the knife slipped and cut one of Travis the Trouts pony tails off. Unfortunately it spoiled the look of her Princess Laie outfit, and only having one ponytail wrapped around an ear made her walk lopsided for the rest of the evening. She was OK turning left, but the toilets were in the wrong direction, and she was forced to walk all around the outside of the building in order to obtain relief.Michael, in a fit of laughing at Barboy, dropped his microphone which he had taken with him and seized the opportunity to interview the guest of honour, Mr Blobby. (The organisers have promised to not let Barboy book to guest next year)

Unilooney was seated between both girls that he has been dating, known as Stalin and Hitler. Both lookers in their own right, but the moustaches looked a bit out of place. Still, Unilooney was happy, and was seen to leave early in the direction of a local cheap hotel.

Pupilbean was deep in discussion with 50yearoldpupil, about the way the young people were being too loud, incontinence and pension rights. 50yearold had just returned from a SAGA coach trip to the Lake District, and later in the evening he professionally completed a slide presentation.

Following the meal, the conference commenced, with LegalyGinge chairing the meeting, with Barboy taking the minutes in crayon. (Yes, the ones he nicked from CofL)

Apologies were made for everyone that runs a proper blog who were too dignified to grace the event with their presence, and short video clip was played by Simon Myerson QC and Bar, who was in the middle of something important, but wished everyone well.

Attention turned to the Blog Awards, and a short introduction was made by Michael and Andropov (who by this time was even worse the wear for Vodka) and the nominations were read out.

It was at this stage, that Barboy explained that as it was past 8.30pm, he had to go home to bed as it was late, so no further minutes were taken and no further information is available, although interestingly, further documentary evidence has come into Swiss's possession by requesting disclosure from the Metropolitain Police, who broke up the ensuing fight which had spilled out into Fleet Street.

Apparently, LawMinx failed to retrieve her fur coat from the cloakroom, and was given a Barristers gown to wear. She was most upset because her fur coat was made out of the skins of 100 hedgehogs she had found at a farm near her house. It was known as Tiddeywinks Heddgehog Sanctuary, but how was she to know, as like a demon she collected them up in a sack for future use.

Hercules refused to allow BarMaid to stick her hand up his backside, again, and galloped across the Presidential Suite making for the door. Michael, being sensible and clever started to remark that she was too late trying to bolt the door after......, and BarMaid gave him a left hook.

Andropov jumped in with both feet first, catching Legally Ginge and Aimless Wanderer in a bear grip, which was only released when Andropov was thrown in the back of a Police van in handcuffs. All the newby Bloggers, of which some appeared, dissapeared, dont blog enough, and worry too much, looked on in amazement as LawMinx karate kicked Mr Blobby, falling to the floor in fits of giggles.

All were bailed the following morning, and are due to appear in Snaresbrook Magistrates Court next week.

It was accepted by all that this years conference was a roaring success, and plans are underway for next years event. Tickets available from Swiss for £450 a head. Cash only please, preferably in used notes.

Swiss is most upset, and yes, shocked, at being left out. He hates to miss seeing Barboy blubbing.

If anyone that deserves a mention hasn't been, Swiss will look into whats gone wrong. Mr Chang, you won't be getting any mention until you stop spamming my blog!

Thursday, 26 August 2010

A rebuttable Presumption

Swiss is shocked.

He has been to a class reunion. Yes, another one, although a lot more planning went into the first event, at which Swiss became as drunk as a Lord Chief Justice and just about made it home without throwing up on the train. This was a bigger affair, with no alcohol. Only 2 of the class couldn’t make it, and their reason was, because they were too clever to mix with the rest of the class. How so? Read on!

There is a legal term known as a Rebuttable Presumption, which to be honest means nothing to Swiss, but it was in the Civil Litigation revision notes which wussie Bar Boy sent and it is in the Civil Litigation Manual, so it must mean something important.

There is a point to this. As far as Swiss in concerned, there is a presumption that anyone that writes a law blog is clever. Looking back, inspired by the likes of Law Minx, Andropov and Michael, and then being blown over by BarMaid and BarBoy, young Swiss felt it best to keep quiet about the flaws in his cleverness, and pretend he was cruising with the clever players. Nobody questioned his abilities, and the presumption that all bloggers are clever clogs rubbed off a bit on Swiss, albeit in his own mind, and he walked with an air of superiority, he pretended he understood hearsay, and was even known to offer legal advice to friends and relatives when they got caught by the Rozzers.

Alas, there is a rebutable part to the presumption, which is where you can show that the presumption is just plain wrong. Finding that all of his relatives are now serving time having relied on Swiss's legal advice, and that the course finished on a bit of a bum note, Swiss wondered if he could maybe slip into a post, in passing, with a flourish and an air of indifference, that a VC was on the cards just like all the other bloggers have, when to be honest Swiss was way off that mark.

Swiss should have known.

Daddy Swiss always looked with pity and an element of distress at Swiss and said that he was as thick as two short planks.

Mummy Swiss, being more eloquent, and knowing far more words than Daddy Swiss could ever hope to, said he was as thick as shit.

What is it with Civil Litigation then? What is it with the MCT's that is just plain unfair, horrible and utterly wrong? Multiple Choice Tests where none of the 4 suggested answers are right. Where sometimes all 4 answers were right. But you only have to pick ONE correct answer. What evil and nasty person thought up MCT's?

On the bright side, and Swiss tends to look for the bright side in all he does, BarMaid was her usual helpful and encouraging self. She managed to keep her patience when explaining for the 20th time that just because the Small Claims Court is called small it doesn't mean its a tiny building, and just because Bar Boy is a wuss it doesn't mean his revision notes are any the less effective. He very carefully had condensed the Civil Litigation manual, some 380 pages worth, compressed, squeezed out the fluff, kept the quality parts, explained and highlighted only what was important into 500 pages worth. It still meant nothing to Swiss, but it propped up his chair with the broken leg, and still does.

Bar Boys notes should be turned into a book. (Swiss almost wishes he had made his own notes but he was too busy partying and pretending he was clever) The Dummies Guide to Civil Litigation would be a winner.

CofL just held the resits. Swiss looks upon them not as a failure of prospective candidates for the Bar, but he realised that they were in reality a class reunion. 90% of the class turned up. High fives all round, cheers and exclamations of delight as we all appeared. Smiles all round, as Lord Hipwell would say. Party time. CofL had to hire the Albert Hall as they didn't have enough seats for all the resitting candidates. Thousands of students coming out of the woodwork, this years dummies, last years dummies, even some from BPP that just can’t cope with their higher demands. CofL doesn't insist on joined up writing.

And do you think that they would make a resit easier than the first time round, to assist people a bit, to get the thicko's through? Nah, bastards. Still vague questions with no answers that match.

The moral of the story, if you write a blog, you can pretend to be clever, but you will get caught out in the end. Swiss has been revealed in all his stupidity, but as his dear old mother would say ‘Who gives a shit’

Monday, 5 July 2010

Swizzle Sticks

Swiss is shocked.

Only a couple of days ago, Swiss was guest of honour at a class reunion with his bestest friends from the BVC. Admittedly he had pleaded and cajoled them to turn up so it wasn't as much guest of honour as being allowed to mix with the clever people, and sitting outside the pub on a warm July evening all on his lonesome, he felt that they had let him down, until one by one they all arrived and sat before Swiss and marveled at his exploits and hung on his every word.

The merry group laughed, reminisced and laid out their plans for the future. Swiss had a little problem though, which seemed to magnify itself as the evening wore on. Much as Swiss likes a pint in convivial company, he isn't used to downing 6 pints of 'Tail Shaker', and his words became more slurred as the evening wore on.

It came to the point where Swiss was unable to think clearly, and so in a rash moment, totally unexpectedly he announced to cheers and whoops of delight that he was in fact SWISS TONY.

Swiss was shocked.

The cheers and whoops were all in his head, fuddled by alcohol of a greater strength than he was used to, because truth be known he might just as well announced that he had a blister on his left foot. Lead balloons don't go down much faster than the announcement.

Swiss was shocked to discover, that of the most learned and cleverest people he knew, none of them had been following his exploits. None of them had picked up his tips for passing the BVC, none of them had even heard of him before. Have they never seen the statue erected at CofLaw in his honour? Have they not been entered for the Swiss Tony Scholarship? Had they not eyed the Swiss Tony Advocacy prize with envy?

Oh the shame.

Swiss truly is shocked.